https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog Learn how to save your marriage and improve your relationship. Stop your divorce and restore a loving relationship. Join Dr. Lee H. Baucom for this impactful podcast that can save your marriage. Wed, 15 Apr 2026 10:00:14 +0000 en-US hourly 1 Blubrry PowerPress/11.15.17 https://feeds.podcastmirror.com/save-the-marriage Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. false episodic Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. lee@savethemarriage.com © Copyright 2013-2024. All Rights Reserved by Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. and Aspire Coaching, Inc. © Copyright 2013-2024. All Rights Reserved by Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. and Aspire Coaching, Inc. podcast https://feeds.podcastmirror.com/~images/1462551632305623.png https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog 138417ad-4982-56a8-947a-fb518313e397 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/2026/04/addicted-to-blame/ Wed, 15 Apr 2026 10:00:14 +0000 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/?p=4625 Are you and your spouse addicted to blame?  Do you find yourself pointing your finger toward your spouse, sure that it is really your spouse's fault (and is your spouse doing the same thing?)? Or maybe you are just blaming yourself.  You see this whole mess as YOUR fault. Blame has one single outcome -- STUCK.  It robs you of power (and steals away responsibility). Blame is highly corrosive to connection.  And it freezes up the process of change.  It freezes out any chance for change. And it is unnecessary.  (Oh, and don't fall into the trap of just changing who gets the blame.  Blame your spouse or blame yourself.  Same outcome.) Let's break the addiction to blame. And if you are ready, you can grab my Save The Marriage System HERE. OTHER HELPFUL RESOURCES Anger and Marriage Healing YOUR Resentment Helping YOUR SPOUSE Heal Resentment The Importance of Connection The Save The Marriage System Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. 597 597 Addicted to Blame? full 17:24 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/2026/04/created-past-2/ Wed, 08 Apr 2026 10:00:00 +0000 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/?p=4621 Sounds so philosophical, doesn't it?  Your "created past."  What is that? We all do it.  We remember things based on our emotional state, not on what happened. When someone hurts us, we think back on the other times they hurt us.  When someone is kind and loving, we think back on the other loving times. When a couple is connected, they remember connection.  When they are disconnected, they remember disconnection. We rewrite the past, based on the present situation.  Usually, we just think about how the past led to the present. But where we are forms what we think about where we have been. If you are wondering why your spouse can't remember the happier times, can't remember the passion, can't remember the connection, this is it.  The memories are being selected and created based on the current pain and disconnection. Let's talk more about this in the podcast below. RELATED RESOURCES: Connection And Marriage Perceptions In Marriage Fears In Marriage Restore Your Marriage Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. 597 597 Your (Created) Past is Hurting Your Marriage full 17:36 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/2026/04/not-knowing-vs-not-doing/ Wed, 01 Apr 2026 10:00:52 +0000 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/?p=4614 You know something is wrong. You might even know, in some general sense, what needs to change. But you're still stuck. Maybe you've tried things. Maybe you've researched, listened, read. Maybe you've had the conversations, made the gestures, given it time. And yet... here you are. There's a reason for that. And it's not what most people assume. Most people in a marriage crisis think they're stuck because of one thing: they either don't have the right information, or they can't seem to act on what they know. Pick one. Figure out which one is your problem. Fix it. Except it's almost never that simple. And treating it that simple is part of why the stuck feeling persists. In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I'm digging into the real reason most people can't move forward — and why the answer isn't more information, and it isn't just willpower either. There's something underneath the stuck feeling that nobody talks about. And until you name it, you'll keep doing what you've been doing. Which, as you've probably noticed, isn't working. Listen below. (Or find the Save The Marriage Podcast on your favorite podcast app — search "Save The Marriage.") RELATED RESOURCES: Save The Marriage System Save The Marriage Coaching Options Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. 595 595 Not Knowing vs. Not Doing full 16:08 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/2026/03/this-is-how-you-dis-your-marriage/ Wed, 25 Mar 2026 10:00:48 +0000 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/?p=4605 Most people assume a marriage falls apart because something went wrong. A betrayal. A blow-up. A moment where everything changed. But that's rarely how it actually happens. What I've watched — in couple after couple over 25 years — is something much quieter. Much slower. And in a lot of ways, much harder to reverse, because it's almost impossible to see while it's happening. There's a path. A progression. A series of stages that couples move through — not because they want to, not because they're bad people, but because disconnection follows a predictable direction once it gets started. And here's what makes it especially difficult: at each stage, what you notice most is what your spouse is doing. The distance they're creating. The disinterest they're showing. The disrespect coming out in their words. What's harder to see — much harder — is your own place in it. Last week I talked about momentum, and how the pause button sets a relationship moving in a direction most couples don't notice until they're deep into it. This week, I want to talk about where that direction actually leads. Because there are stages. And most people, when they hear them described, can tell you exactly where they are — even if they couldn't have named it before. A few things worth sitting with before you listen: If your spouse feels more like an opponent than a partner right now, when do you think that actually started — and what were the signs you missed? Is it possible that what looks like a character flaw in your spouse is actually a stage in a process? And does that change anything? If you knew there was a map of exactly how disconnection progresses — and a point on that map where you currently are — would that give you more hope or less? That last question matters more than it might seem. This episode walks through the full arc, from the moment connection begins to build, through each stage of how it comes apart, all the way to what I consider the deepest point of crisis. And what it takes, even from one person, to begin reversing it. If you've been wondering how you got here, this is the episode. Listen to this week's Save The Marriage Podcast below. RELATED RESOURCES The Pause is a Problem Momentum Hides the Problem Save The Marriage System   Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. 595 595 This Is How You "Diss" Your Marriage full 19:10 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/2026/03/momentum/ Wed, 18 Mar 2026 10:00:48 +0000 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/?p=4599 My high school science teacher almost helped me make TNT in the chemistry lab! That's how this episode starts. But it's not really about chemistry. It's about physics. Specifically, it's about momentum... and why the same force that keeps a relationship strong is also the force that quietly destroys it without anyone noticing until it's almost too late. Here's the thing most couples never consider: love isn't what holds a marriage together over time. It's what starts the process. What actually carries a relationship forward — or pulls it apart — is momentum And momentum follows rules. When couples come to me in crisis, one of the most common things I hear is some version of: "I didn't see it coming." Or: "I thought we were just going through a phase." Or: "I thought once things settled down, we'd get back to each other." They're not wrong that something changed. They're just wrong about when it started. The damage was already done — quietly, gradually, in a direction they couldn't feel — long before the crisis arrived. This episode is about why that happens. And why the natural response most people have when they finally do notice? It often makes it worse. A few things worth thinking about before you listen: If you can feel that your relationship has lost something, but you can't point to when or why — is it possible the answer is further back than you think? What happens to momentum when you stop adding energy to something? And what happens after it stops? Why would reaching hard toward your spouse in a moment of crisis push them further away instead of closer? The physics are more predictable than you'd expect. And understanding them might be the first thing that actually makes sense of where you are. Listen to "Momentum" now, below. If you're past the point of just feeling the drift and you're now in real crisis, the Save The Marriage System is built for exactly this moment. It's the roadmap back, from where momentum has taken you, to where you actually want to go. RELATED RESOURCES: 7 Stages of Disconnection Resources for Healing Disconnection Save The Marriage System Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. 594 594 Momentum full 21:28 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/2026/03/limiting-beliefs-that-limit-your-marriage/ Wed, 11 Mar 2026 10:00:43 +0000 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/?p=4593 It almost seems redundant, doesn't it? If you have limited beliefs, they could limit something -- say, for example, your marriage. I say IF you have limited beliefs. Full disclosure: We ALL have limited beliefs that are limiting us. We ALL have blind spots, assumptions, even untrue beliefs. We just don't notice them. And we pay a price for that. Especially since we usually fail to notice or address these limiting beliefs. Do you think your limiting beliefs MIGHT be limiting your life and your marriage? I'm betting that is the case, since it is true for all of us. Here's the good news: you can change your limiting beliefs. Once you know what they are. And decide to change them Listen below for this week's podcast. RELATED RESOURCES Myths About Marriage (And Saving It) Fears That Hold You Back Is Your Spouse Stuck? Grab The Save The Marriage System Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. 593 593 Limiting Beliefs That Limit Your Marriage full 11:59 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/2026/03/pickleball-marriage/ Wed, 04 Mar 2026 11:00:33 +0000 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/?p=4587 Probably more than you want to admit. I've been playing pickleball for about four years. Started when my wife and I moved to a new community — we were looking for something to do and a way to meet people. Neither of us expected it to become a weekly ritual. But somewhere along the way, I started noticing something I couldn't shake. The patterns showing up on that court? I'd seen every single one of them in struggling marriages. Not as a loose metaphor. As an almost exact parallel. The partner who can't stop criticizing every shot — and wonders why the other person stops trying. The player who decides if the game isn't going their way, they won't play at all. The one who takes every shot, carries every point, and then complains their partner doesn't contribute. The "coach" nobody asked for, offering feedback that doesn't land as helpfulness. Sound like anyone you know? Here's what got me thinking: pickleball, at its best, is a partnership game. You win together. You cover each other's deficits. You communicate before the moment demands it. You keep playing even when the score isn't going your way. And at its worst? It looks a lot like the patterns that quietly destroy a marriage. There's one thing in particular I talk about in this episode that I think will stay with you — something most people never notice on the court or in their relationship. It has to do with the difference between the last shot and the setup that made it inevitable. Most of us only see the last shot. A few questions worth sitting with before you listen: Do you and your spouse actually have a strategy — or are you just reacting to whatever comes at you? When something goes wrong, are you looking at the last moment, or the conditions you both built leading up to it? Are you the kind of partner you'd actually want to play with? That last one might sting a little. It's supposed to. This week's episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast is a little lighter than usual — but lighter doesn't mean less important. Sometimes the clearest mirror is the one you least expect. Listen to "What Does Pickleball Have To Do With Marriage?" right here. And if you're at a point where the game feels broken — no strategy, no direction, and you're not sure your partner is even still playing — the Save The Marriage System is where to start. It's the map for getting back on the court together. Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. What DOES Pickleball Have To Do With Marriage?? full 28:26 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/2026/02/stop-spinning-the-wheel/ Wed, 25 Feb 2026 11:00:08 +0000 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/?p=4580 Einstein said we can't solve our problems with the same thinking that created them. And if you've been working on your marriage—trying hard, putting in effort, doing everything you can think of—but nothing's actually changing? You might be spinning the wheel. Pursuing harder. Forcing conversations. Making grand gestures. Reading every article, watching every video, trying every technique the algorithm throws at you. That's effort. Real effort. But it's pointed in the wrong direction. In the last episode, I talked about why "if it's meant to be" is dangerous thinking. This episode is about what you do instead. Not just recognizing the myth is wrong, but understanding what intelligent effort actually looks like when you're trying to save a marriage. Because here's what most people miss. The marriage that's in crisis right now? It didn't fail because you picked the wrong person or because your love wasn't strong enough. It failed in design. The culture gave you a destination—happily ever after—and almost nothing about how to actually get there and stay there. So when things fall apart, it's not a destination failure. It's a navigation failure. And that changes everything. In this episode, I walk through what it actually means to rebuild a marriage. Why it feels so much harder than it did at the beginning. Why you're not maintaining orbit—you're relaunching. And what to do when you're the only one putting in the energy. Listen below. RELATED RESOURCES "If it was meant to be" Episode Why Your Spouse Doesn't See a Change Save The Marriage System Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. 590 590 Stop Spinning the Wheel full 17:32 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/2026/02/meant-to-be/ Wed, 18 Feb 2026 11:00:52 +0000 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/?p=4572 I hear it a lot. Sometimes from someone in the middle of a marriage crisis, trying to make sense of the pain. Sometimes from someone who hasn't hit crisis yet, but carries the belief quietly in the background — like a safety net they don't know they're depending on. "If it's meant to be, it will work out." It sounds like wisdom. It sounds like acceptance. If you've thought it yourself, I understand why. It offers something we all want in a painful moment — a clean explanation that doesn't require anything else from you. But I want to make the case that this phrase — as comforting as it feels — is one of the most dangerous ideas your marriage has ever encountered. Here's why. Our culture handed us an incomplete story about love and marriage. A story built on two beliefs so familiar they don't even feel like beliefs. The first says that finding the right person is the whole game — get the selection right, and everything follows. The second says that real love shouldn't require much effort — if you have to try hard, something is probably wrong. Neither of those beliefs is true. And together, they set up a very predictable failure — one that has nothing to do with whether your love is real or your person is right. What if your marriage isn't experiencing a destination failure? What if it's a navigation failure? Those are very different problems. And they have very different solutions. In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I dig into both. Where these beliefs come from. Why they're so seductive. And what they actually cost you when things get hard. Listen below. RELATED RESOURCES The Save The Marriage System The Pause Button Problem Hope When Your Spouse Has Given Up Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. full 15:06 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/2026/02/pop-psychology-destroy-marriage/ Wed, 11 Feb 2026 11:00:11 +0000 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/?p=4564 "I'm just Type A—that's why we clash." "I'm an Alpha male. This is just who I am." "I'm anxiously attached. I can't help how I react." I hear these statements constantly in my coaching work. And every time, I watch the same thing happen: growth stops. The label becomes a shield. The framework becomes a prison. And the marriage stays stuck. In this episode, I'm examining three of the most popular psychological frameworks people use to explain their behavior—and what the research actually says about them. Spoiler: the science doesn't support what most people think it does. What We Cover: Type A personality and what the research really found (hint: it's not about drive or ambition) Alpha Male theory and the wolf study that's been debunked for decades Attachment styles—solid research that people are using in terrible ways Why these frameworks become barriers to change instead of pathways to growth The difference between using psychology as a map vs. using it as a jail cell Fair Warning This episode is direct. If you're invested in one of these frameworks, you might feel defensive listening to it. Pay attention to that reaction. It's information. Because your marriage doesn't need more explanation for why things aren't working. It needs change. And change becomes impossible when you're more committed to protecting your identity than examining your impact. This episode is about coachability—the willingness to question what you think you know about yourself in service of building the marriage you actually want. Ready to get uncomfortable?  Listen below. RELATED RESOURCES: Save The Marriage System Dangers in Marital Therapy What are You Controlling? Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. 588 588 When Pop Psychology Destroys Your Marriage full 39:04 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/2026/02/belonging-together/ Wed, 04 Feb 2026 11:00:41 +0000 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/?p=4557 In this episode of the podcast, I explore why marriages feel empty even when couples are still together. The answer isn't about compatibility or whether you "married the right person." It's about three essential elements that every strong marriage needs, and what happens when they disappear. I'm bringing together insights from Brené Brown, Tony Robbins, and Jennifer Wallace's new book Mattering to show you a different way of understanding what's really going wrong. These aren't just abstract concepts. They are deeply wired human needs that your marriage either fulfills or frustrates. Here's what makes this episode different: I'm not just diagnosing the problem. I'm showing you why the disconnection you're feeling creates a cascade of other losses — and why connection is always the starting point for rebuilding. If you've been wondering whether your marriage can be saved, or if you're stuck in a relationship that feels more like going through the motions than genuine partnership, this episode will help you see your situation more clearly. Listen now to discover: • Why "fitting in" to your marriage leaves you feeling emptier than being alone • The hidden way disconnection steals your sense of significance • What it really means to "matter" to someone - and why you can't fake it • How to know if you've been hitting the Un-Pause Button without realizing it This might be the perspective shift you've been needing. RELATED RESOURCES Why Connection Matters Three Levels of Connection Save The Marriage System Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. 587 587 Belonging Together? full 18:32 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/2026/01/the-four-failing-fears/ Wed, 28 Jan 2026 11:00:17 +0000 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/?p=4554 You've decided to save your marriage. You start the process, maybe even make some progress. Then, BAM!  You hit a wall. A wall of fear.  Fears that sabotage your efforts, pull you back from your plan, get you to give up. But those fears do not have to be the end of your efforts.  In fact, those fears need not do anything to your efforts.  Fears and actions are not the same.  Fears are fears.  Whenever we base our actions on fears, we give them too much power. When you are working on saving a marriage, there are 4 fears that strike many people... and they may just hit you! And then, you have to decide whether the fears stop your efforts or if they are just "background noise." Which will they be for you? Listen to the podcast episode below. RELATED RESOURCES Relationship Fears 3 C's of Saving A Marriage Why Save It? Facing Fears and Moving Forward Save The Marriage System Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. 583 583 The Four Failing Fears full 19:58 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/2026/01/rise-framework/ Wed, 21 Jan 2026 11:00:52 +0000 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/?p=4546 When successful men feel powerful at work but powerless at home, something fundamental is missing. In this episode, Mitchell Osmond, leadership consultant and host of the Dad Nation podcast, shares his journey from rock bottom — facing divorce, depression, and 60 pounds overweight — to creating a framework that helps couples move beyond being "roommates sharing rings." Mitchell introduces the RISE Conversation Ladder, a practical tool for moving from surface-level logistics to genuine emotional intimacy. The four levels—Routine, Information, Story, and Essence—provide a roadmap for the deeper connection your marriage is craving. You'll discover: Why men often struggle with "normative male alexithymia" (lack of words for emotions) and what to do about it The eulogy exercise that creates visceral clarity about the legacy you're building How to ask for "emotional data" in your relationship before crisis hits Why your spouse doesn't need you to fix their feelings—they need you to hear them without flinching Practical questions that open doors to the essence level where true intimacy lives Whether you're the husband struggling to connect or the spouse wanting to understand what's happening, this framework works for everyone. Because the goal isn't just staying under the same roof. It's knowing and being known. RELATED RESOURCES: Mitchell's Website Mitchell's Podcast Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. 585 585 The RISE Framework: Moving From Surface Talk to Soul-Level Connection full 43:40 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/2026/01/resetting-in-2026/ Wed, 14 Jan 2026 11:00:58 +0000 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/?p=4539 Resetting in 2026 New year. Same marriage problems? Here's the thing: most people approach a new year with good intentions but no actual reset. They keep doing the same things, waiting for different results. And when it comes to saving your marriage, that's a recipe for staying stuck. In this week's podcast, I walk you through five critical resets you need to make in 2026. Not resolutions. Resets. There's a difference. If you play pickleball, you know what a reset is. When what you're doing isn't working, you reset the ball. You slow it down. You step back and start fresh. That's what we're doing here with your marriage. What Needs to Go (and What Needs to Come In) I break down five specific shifts, each with something that needs to be "out" and something that needs to be "in" for your process this year. The first reset deals with the most common trap I see: waiting for your spouse to join you before you start working on things. Spoiler alert—that's exactly backwards. One person always starts the process. That's normal. The question is whether you're going to be that person or keep waiting. The second reset tackles what I call "Idea ADD"—jumping from YouTube video to blog post to the next shiny object the algorithm throws at you. You're trusting an algorithm instead of following a clear, consistent approach. That has to stop. The third reset is about ditching the seat-of-your-pants approach. Flying by the seat of your pants IS a system. It's just a losing system. You need an actual written plan and systems in place to support it. The fourth reset changes how you think about hope. Most people treat hope like a feeling they're waiting to experience. Wrong. Hope is something you build using a specific formula. I'll walk you through the equation. The fifth reset shifts you from pushing and chasing your spouse (which only creates more distance) to something far more effective: inviting connection. Small shift. Massive difference. Why This Matters Right Now We're just into 2026. You've got a choice in front of you. You can approach your marriage the same way you did last year, or you can actually reset your approach. These aren't theoretical concepts. They're the backbone of how I've helped thousands of people turn their marriages around. They're built into my Save The Marriage System, my VIP program, and my Unpause app. They're the three C's in action: Connect with your spouse. Change yourself. Create a new path. Each of these five resets moves you toward one or more of those three areas. And each one is something you can control and execute on, regardless of where your spouse is right now. Listen to this episode if you're serious about making 2026 different. Not just hopeful it will be different. Actually different. Because hope isn't something you wait for. It's something you build. Listen to Episode 584: Resetting in 2026 now on the Save The Marriage Podcast. If your marriage is in crisis, learn more about the Save The Marriage System at savethemarriage.com. If you're looking to strengthen your connection and unpause your marriage, check out the Unpause app at unpauseyourmarriage.com. Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. 584 584 Resetting in 2026 full 20:44 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/2026/01/i-get-knocked-down/ Wed, 07 Jan 2026 11:00:01 +0000 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/?p=4532 You started working on saving your marriage.  Good for you! And then, you hit a bump.  You get knocked down.  Maybe you discovered an affair, physical or emotional.  Maybe your spouse is irritable and upset.  Maybe it is anger and resentment, yours or your spouse’s. And it knocks you down. Enough that you think it is over.  That you are at the end. But are you?  Or do you need to get back up? In most things in life, we think the process is (or should be) smooth.  I fall for that myth all the time.  I think a project is going to be easy and straightforward.  Only to find a complication and difficulty at every turn. And guess what?  The same is true in your efforts to save your marriage. We talk about how you might get knocked down… and how to get up again, in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast. (And if I have you humming a song in your head... I have succeeded with my title! You are my people!)   RELATED RESOURCES Dealing with Discouragement You Need A Plan Not A Wish, A Plan Your Support Team Do You Need Coaching? Coaching Resource Page Save The Marriage System Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. full 26:43 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/2025/12/special-holiday-ghosts/ Tue, 23 Dec 2025 11:00:51 +0000 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/?p=4527 Do you settle down with a good book you have read over and over this time of year?  I read my kids the exact same Christmas book every single year.  And many years, I re-read a classic for myself… like A Christmas Carol.  This year, I offer you a redux of a prior podcast episode… about the Ghosts of Your Relationship Past.  Yep.  Christmas, with new opportunities.  Here it is: Christmas Eve.  Chris and Holly have settled into bed.  Neither can sleep.  It is not, however, sugarplums dancing in their heads. Both are replaying the arguments and hurts of the past.  Neither feels connected, although both are desperate for that warm embrace each used to treasure. What happened?  Where did their relationship fall into trouble? Can they find their way back? But first, they have to make it through a night of haunts, as the Ghosts of Relationship Past visit them this night. Are they the same ghosts that haunt your relationship?  Is there a path through the pain? Listen in as Chris and Holly face the hauntings of their relationship. Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. full 14:28 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/2025/12/to-dos-to-donts-pt-2/ Wed, 17 Dec 2025 11:00:13 +0000 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/?p=4519 You want to save a marriage... but you may not be sure what to do.  And I guess it is also a question of what not to do. BOTH what TO do and what NOT TO do, are important.  So, let's cover it!  In this episode, I cover 5 more to-do's and to-don'ts.  In an earlier episode, I covered 5 more of each. Why is this important? Because most people have the hardest time getting started (and continuing) when they aren't quite sure if they are clear on the path. That said, if you want an overall approach, please check out my Save The Marriage System HERE. RELATED RESOURCES: To-Do's and To-Don'ts Pt. 1 
Why You Are Fighting... and What To Do
 Why You Are Derailed... and What To Do
 Why You Are Discouraged... and What To Do How To Save Your Marriage - System Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. To-Do's and To-Don'ts of Saving Your Marriage, Pt. 2 full 17:03 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/2025/12/quiet-divorce-the-truth/ Wed, 10 Dec 2025 11:00:09 +0000 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/?p=4513 “Quiet Divorce.”  It seems to be the topic of article after article.  And the articles make it seem like, “No big deal, just happens, oh well.” But it IS a big deal.  And it ISN’T anything new.  Just another way of describing something we have discussed here often… the dangers of disconnection. I talked about this some time ago, when everyone was talking about Quiet Quitting during the pandemic — people were still technically employed, they just weren’t doing anything for the job.  They quit the work, but kept taking a paycheck.  I noted that sometimes, people Quiet Quit a marriage.  Which is exactly what “Quiet Divorce” is noting. People are still legally married.  But emotionally… not so much. Why does this matter? Because this doesn’t have to be the case.  You don’t have to be choosing the path of withdrawal.  But unless you understand what is going on, it is hard to do anything else.  Which is why we need to talk about Quiet Divorce… the Truth about it, and what you can do. RELATED RESOURCES: Why Connection Matters Save The Marriage System The Un-Pause App Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. 581 581 Quiet Divorce: The Truth full 19:31 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/2025/12/how-you-deal-with-negativity/ Wed, 03 Dec 2025 11:00:57 +0000 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/?p=4511 It happens.  In the middle of a marriage crisis, you can find yourself surrounded by negativity.  A spouse negative about the marriage.  Friends and family negative about your efforts to save your marriage.  You negative, well, about everything you are doing (it is easy to slip into self-blame and self-doubt). Negativity comes from several sources:  fear, protectiveness, anger, resentment, lack of understanding, and lack of clarity. Regardless of the source, you may find yourself reacting poorly -- negatively impacting your capacity to save and improve your marriage. Is there another alternative? You bet there is! I would suggest four ways to respond that can change the outcome.  Listen to the podcast for the four ways you can respond differently to the negativity, making sure that you don't catch it yourself.  Listen below. RELATED RESOURCES: You Need A Plan Dealing With Your Resentment Dealing With Your Spouse's Resentment Grab The Save The Marriage System Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. 580 580 How You Deal with Negativity full 19:19 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/2025/11/the-pause-problem-2/ Wed, 19 Nov 2025 11:00:24 +0000 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/?p=4500 When did it happen?  When did your marriage’s trajectory head in the wrong direction? Probably long before you thought, long before you could see it.  Almost always, it is a conscious and unconscious collusion between the spouses.  And it makes sense.  Life… you have to get back to it! After all, you are now married, and your marriage is set up to successfully face life… or is it? At some point, after lots of connection, you have faith in your relationship, faith in your love.  So, you hit the Pause Button.  You think you are putting your marriage into some “suspended animation,” so that you can get on with life — kids, careers, friends, hobbies, travel, etc.  You promise yourself(selves) that you will get back to the two of you again… at some point in the future (that often keeps creeping further into the future). Until one day, you (and/or your spouse) find yourself(selves) staring at a near-stranger.  A roommate (or housemate).  You no longer recognize the relationship you have, and it certainly isn’t what you were looking for. The pain of connection leads to anger, alienation, and resentment.  That cocktail leads to a spiral of disconnection.  It often accelerates until… separation, affair, or even divorce. And it all began with a decision that made total sense… until it doesn’t work. Is there a solution? There IS!  I just released a new app, the Un-Pause App.  In the podcast, I tell you about the problem… and the solution.  Listen below. RELATED RESOURCES: The Un-Pause App The Save The Marriage System Why Pause Is So Painful Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. 579 579 The Pause Problem (and Solution) full 19:53 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/2025/11/to-do-dont-pt1/ Wed, 12 Nov 2025 11:00:53 +0000 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/?p=4491 You want to save a marriage... but you may not be sure what to do.  And I guess it is also a question of what not to do. BOTH what TO do and what NOT TO do, are important.  So, let's cover it!  In this episode, I cover 5 to-do's and to-don'ts.  And in the next episode, I'll cover 5 more of each. Why is this important? Because most people have the hardest time getting started (and continuing) when they aren't quite sure if they are clear on the path. That said, if you want an overall approach, please check out my Save The Marriage System HERE. RELATED RESOURCES: 
Why You Are Fighting... and What To Do
 Why You Are Derailed... and What To Do
 Why You Are Discouraged... and What To Do How To Save Your Marriage - System Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. 577 577 To-Do and To-Don'ts of Saving Your Marriage full 16:21 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/2025/11/distraction-or-traction/ Wed, 05 Nov 2025 11:00:26 +0000 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/?p=4484 What gets in the way of you getting traction in your efforts to save your marriage? These days, there is one very substantial reason... one thing that keeps you (and many others) from making progress.  And it is only accelerating.  What is it? Distraction. Yep, it absolutely gets in your way, pulling you away from what is most important.  Pulling you away from priorities and opportunities. What is the antidote?  We talk about it in this week's Save The Marriage Podcast.  Listen below. RELATED RESOURCES: Save The Marriage System Save The Marriage Toolkit My Books Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. 576 576 Distraction or Traction? full 18:08 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/2025/10/the-zombie-marriage/ Thu, 30 Oct 2025 10:00:32 +0000 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/?p=4476 Is your marriage infected by the "zombie virus?"  Do you find your relationship to be the "walking dead?"  Are emotions lost and connections missing?  Do you and your spouse respond to each other with "zombie grunts?" The infection can be stopped.  You can fight the infection and heal the relationship. Don't allow the big 4 symptoms of a zombie infection to overtake your relationship's immune system.  Fight back and restore your relationship to the living and the healthy. Okay, to be fair, this is a “tip o’ the hat” to Halloween… but still an important subject! Listen below. RELATED RESOURCES: Pause Button Marriages Dangers of Disconnection "Can This Marriage Be Saved?” The Save The Marriage System -- DE-Zombie Your Marriage! Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. 575 575 The Zombie Marriage full 26:22 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/2025/10/save-marriage-hate-spouse/ Wed, 22 Oct 2025 10:00:50 +0000 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/?p=4473 A listener had a question... and it isn't the first time I've heard it.  How DO you save your marriage when you feel hate for your spouse?  That does seem impossible to get beyond, doesn't it? I have some news for you:  many people (if not MOST) who are working on saving their marriage are NOT having warm and fuzzy feelings for their spouse. In fact, they are likely to be just as hurt, just as frustrated, and just as unsure as their spouse. But there is a difference:  They think that working on their marriage... even when feeling upset and hurt, is important.  Important enough to choose to act in spite of those feelings. You may be thinking, "Wait, I can't act differently than I am feeling!" But with just a little reflection, most people realize they do it every single day.  "Not feeling it," but still going to work.  Upset about your finances, but still paying the bills.  Angry about something, but not taking it out on someone. See what I mean? We all do that all the time.  Why?  Because something is important enough to not just react to our emotions. I discuss it in this week's Save The Marriage Podcast.  Listen below.   RELATED RESOURCES: 7 Stages of Disconnection Connection Matters Better or Bitter? Failing Ways to Argue Save The Marriage System My Toolkit Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. full 16:11 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/2025/10/can-ai-save-your-marriage/ Wed, 15 Oct 2025 10:00:28 +0000 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/?p=4468 Are you an AI user?  Do you find yourself chatting with AI about things in your life? How about regarding your marriage?? If you are using AI as a resource to save your marriage, I have one suggestion:  STOP! Over the past few years (as AI chats have become more popular), I have heard from more and more people about how AI marked the end of their marriage.  Some reported a spouse becoming enamored with the chat.  Some reported a spouse "discovering" from AI that they needed to end the marriage (which is less about the wisdom of AI, and more the result of how AI is built). Some have reported a spouse (or even themselves) asking for advice on how to respond to an argument. The end results? Certainly, not improvements in the marriage.  Mostly, the outcome was poor.  To the point of divorce, in many cases. This isn't the fault of AI.  It was never intended for this purpose. But since so many people are turning to AI these days, I thought it might be time for us to talk about this (I first typed "chat," but thought better of it). RELATED RESOURCES The Connection Principle The Path to WE Being a Team Save The Marriage System The System Toolkit Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. 573 573 Can AI Save Your Marriage... Or End It?? full 15:45 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/2025/10/myths-of-saving-your-marriage/ Wed, 08 Oct 2025 10:00:09 +0000 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/?p=4463 Do you ever start on some new habit you heard about, maybe about the best diet or exercise, only to find that it isn’t true later on?  And have you ever discovered it was actually even worse for you? (Just think about margarine or “low fat” diets, or even diet drinks!) You think you are doing the right thing, and it turns out the “right thing” is actually the wrong thing.  And you are even worse off than before! Your marriage is in trouble and you want to save it.  So, you start gathering your information.  That is the starting point, right?  And as they say, “Knowledge is power.”  Except, of course, when the “knowledge” is myth.  False information. Worse yet, that information can do harm to your relationship. I need to let you in on a little secret:  just because it says it can help you save your marriage, that does not mean it will fit together with other approaches… or that it will even fit for you!  We get into the habit of grouping things together when they seem to be in the same subject area. But think about it for a moment.  Look up some political topic.  People might approach it from a number of different directions… and those approaches are often mutually exclusive of each other, even opposing each other.  And some are just plain wrong. In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I explode 5 myths of saving your marriage — of taking action to save your marriage.  Falling for any one of these myths can put your efforts and your relationship at risk. Listen in below, and learn what to avoid. RELATED RESOURCES Reverse Psychology Fails No Contact is Crap The Importance of Connection Growing and Stagnation Issues with Marriage Therapy Grab the Save The Marriage System Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. 572 572 Myths of Saving Your Marriage full 25:59 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/2025/10/affairs-and-their-aftermath/ Wed, 01 Oct 2025 10:00:38 +0000 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/?p=4458 Question:  does an affair cause marital problems or do marital problems cause affairs? Answer:  YES. Longer answer:  for the majority of affairs, weak points in the marriage create a vulnerability to infidelity.  There is another necessary element... but problems do cause vulnerability.  But when infidelity is committed, the problem deepens.  Affairs end up creating both a personal and a marital crisis... often for both spouses. And then, there is the aftermath... what comes AFTER the affair is ended. In this episode of the podcast, I tackle two submitted questions: "What causes an affair?  Why did it happen in OUR marriage?" and "What is the typical aftermath in an affair for the spouse who broke it off?" In these two cases, the questions are not academic.  They are wound up in the marital crisis that is unwinding... or stuck... and infidelity is a major issue. If you are in the midst of a marital crisis, your relationship could be vulnerable... and if your spouse (or you) has committed infidelity, this can help you understand what might happen when the affair is ended. Listen below. RELATED RESOURCES: Other Affair Episodes Connection and Marriage Book:  Recovering From Infidelity Program:  Save The Marriage System Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. 571 571 Affairs and Their Aftermath full 26:47 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/2025/09/why-youre-fighting-and-what-to-do/ Wed, 24 Sep 2025 10:00:28 +0000 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/?p=4455 Have you found yourself in the middle of an argument, toe-to-toe with your spouse, with that little part of your brain saying, "why am I even arguing over this?  It doesn't matter"? I ask, because I have had that experience MANY times in my life, both with my wife and with others. It is tragic that those arguments erupt in all our lives.  They are not the big things, but the small things.  And that is the tragic part:  many marriages die from a thousand nicks.  It is often not the big deals, but the tiny things.  In fact, many times, the big deals are a result of the lifeblood lost on the tiny things. Which raises the question:  WHY do we have these arguments?  Why do we bicker?  (Check out the podcast below) And then, the second question:  HOW to change this pattern?  (Check out the podcast below) RELATED RESOURCES: Control Disconnect Problems with Therapy  My System Article:  Conflict Isn't The Problem     Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. 570 570 Why You're Fighting... and What to Do full 18:34 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/2025/09/feeling-stuck-no-closer/ Wed, 17 Sep 2025 10:00:45 +0000 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/?p=4453 What do you do when your spouse has shifted back toward you… some… but is still distant?  More distant than you would like? Do you have to just accept it, accept the lack of intimacy and connection? Is that the relationship you are stuck with?  Some connection.  Still married.  But not the warmth, love, and connection you do want? That is the question posed to me.  Mary reports that her husband returned after a number of months of separation.  But now, some time later, after his return, the connection is not where it needs to be.  It isn’t where Mary wants it to be. What do you do, Mary wonders?  Accept it?  Make peace with the fact that her spouse does not want an intimate relationship with her? I delve into Mary’s question (which may also be your question) about what to do when the connection is still not there, even after some improvement.  I suggest 3 steps for Mary (and perhaps you) to take.  And yes, we start at acceptance.  But that is not about giving up! Listen below. RELATED RESOURCES: Yet Connection and Disconnection 3 Levels of Connection Acceptance - What IS That? Save The Marriage System The Lone Ranger Tool Package Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. 569 569 Feeling Stuck?? No Closer?? full 19:04 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/2025/09/getting-better-or-getting-bitter/ Wed, 10 Sep 2025 10:00:15 +0000 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/?p=4448 I often watch people move toward one of two possibilities when a marriage is in trouble:  Getting Better or Getting Bitter.  One letter difference, but what a difference in destination. One leads a couple to a rewarding and loving relationship, improving and stabilizing:  Better. The other leads to more anger, more resentment, more distance, and further deterioration:  Bitter. Here is the irony:  many times, the person proclaiming a desire to work on the marriage, to get it turned around, is the one holding onto bitterness.  And bitterness has a tendency to grow, unless the person chooses to make a shift. A shift to Better. Over the years, I have watched people who proclaim a desire to save their marriage.  They start taking steps, start connecting, start the healing... and when a spouse begins to turn, the one putting in the work suddenly turns... away.  The bitterness gains ground.  It eats away at all progress. And in the process, the couple proves the marriage was "too far gone," "too hurt," or "too damaged."  In reality, bitterness set in and disrupted any possibility of healing. So, there is a choice: Getting Bitter or Better? Let's talk about the roots of bitterness and how to let it go.  Listen to the podcast below. RELATED RESOURCES: Don't Let Emotions Choose Forgiving in Marriage Showing Up Empathy and Connection Save The Marriage System The Daily Better Workbook Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. 568 568 Getting Better or Getting Bitter full 17:28 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/2025/09/getting-your-spouse-to-agree-dangerous/ Wed, 03 Sep 2025 10:00:23 +0000 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/?p=4443 I know. You want to convince your spouse to see things your way.  So, you set out to "get" your spouse to agree with you. ...And you have now begun walking down a very dangerous path. (I bet you didn't think so, did you?) Almost always, trying to get your spouse to agree will backfire -- and even make things worse.  Sometimes, much worse. Can I share with you why this can be so dangerous and how to avoid this problem?  This is something you want to fully understand. (If you want a better way, GRAB THIS and get started.) RELATED RESOURCES: Break Your Agreements! You See Things Differently Dealing with Disrespect Save The Marriage System The Lone Ranger Toolkit   Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. 567 567 Getting Your Spouse to Agree?? Dangerous! full 15:20 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/2025/08/the-3-layers-of-connection/ Wed, 20 Aug 2025 10:15:19 +0000 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/?p=4439 Connection is the lifeblood of marriage.  In fact, we are wired for deep connection.  And while the connection works best within the marriage relationship, it is not singular. Many couples find connection in only one or two areas, missing that second or third layer of connecting.  Often, over time, this begins to eat away at the connection a couple shares. Disconnection tends to breed disconnection.  When there are areas missing, they begin to chip away at the other areas. But connection tends to breed connection.  As you work to reconnect, and as you focus on all three layers, there is a multiplying effect.  Connection deepens and broadens, leading to more and more connection. Listen to this week's podcast to discover the 3 Layers of Connection. RELATED RESOURCES Save The Marriage System Why Connection Matters The Pause Button Marriage My Books Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. 566 566 The 3 Layers of Connection full 21:12 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/2025/08/how-steep/ Wed, 13 Aug 2025 10:00:23 +0000 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/?p=4434 “How hard is it to save my marriage?” the email started.  The writer wanted my opinion on whether my System would work. There was a problem, though.  The problem was… I had no details about her marital problems.  I didn’t know what she was facing. When I was a kid, the rubik’s cube came out.  There was this book that promised to solve the cube, no matter how bad the cube was arranged.  I just kept trying to turn and twist the cube to find a solution.  My neighbor friend got the book.  My neighbor followed the guide.  And that cube was, sure enough, solved.  Mixed up cube, follow the solution, solved cube.  Easy-peesy. Let’s just say that your marriage is NOT like that rubik’s cube.  There are some reasons why your efforts might be harder (or easier) than someone else’s.  In fact, there are 3 major complicators to saving your marriage. Before jumping in to save your marriage, you want to be clear about the complicators — the obstacles — on your path.  They make a difference in what you do, how you do it, and how much effort is required. Listen below to find out how steep your climb is, due to the 3 obstacles. RELATED RESOURCES How Bad is it? Should You Give Up? Can It Be Saved? Grab the Save The Marriage System Get Tools for the Climb Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. 565 565 How Steep? full 27:12 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/2025/08/can-it-be-saved-how-to-know/ Wed, 06 Aug 2025 10:00:35 +0000 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/?p=4430 Can you save your marriage?? That is, to be honest, probably the biggest "speed bump" for someone who wants to save their marriage. They wonder if it is even possible to save their marriage.  And that fact keeps them from taking action. Or to be more direct, may be what is keeping you from taking action. Many people have said that if I could guarantee that they could save their marriage, they would get started. I have often pointed out that NOT trying pretty much guarantees it can't be saved.  But I don't have a crystal ball... or even a Magic 8 Ball that will tell me whether it can/can't be saved. And so, far too often, they don't take action. And their marriage fails. But what if there were a way to get clarity... to get more understanding of what might be involved in saving your marriage?  What if there was some GPS that could give you direction on the possibilities and what is involved. Well, there is.  And I discuss it on this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast. I've created a new assessment, called The Growth GPS Assessment.  You can grab it for just a dollar.  GO HERE to take advantage of the offer... and gain clarity. RELATED RESOURCES: Save The Marriage System The Growth GPS Assessment Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. 564 564 Can It Be Saved?? How to know... full 16:20 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/2025/07/having-hope/ Wed, 30 Jul 2025 10:00:03 +0000 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/?p=4425 Your spouse thinks it’s hopeless.  You may even be wondering that, too.  But is it?  Is it hopeless? Or is the problem that your spouse is hopeless — not the situation? Let’s be honest:  if you give up hope, it may become a hopeless situation. Sometimes, having hope is not based on seeing the way.  We find the way because we hold onto hope. In one of my books, Beyond the 3 Barriers, I note that one barrier for your spouse is hopelessness.  I also note that one way to move beyond your spouse’s barriers is by having hope.  Holding onto hope.  Maintaining hope while waiting for space to make a shift. Hope has 3 core components… all within your control and choice.  But you do need to know the components in order to choose.  When you do, you choose hope. Remember that hope is not about waiting for a spouse to hope… or even to shift.  It comes from within you, a choice you make.  Hang on to hope! Listen to the podcast episode below. RELATED RESOURCES Beyond The 3 Barriers Book Hope vs. Hopelessness Episode Staying Stuck in the Negative Episode 3rd Biggest Mistake People Make Episode Save The Marriage System The Hope System Guide Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. 563 563 Having Hope full 17:26 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/2025/07/5-reasons-why-your-plan-is-stalled/ Wed, 23 Jul 2025 10:00:12 +0000 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/?p=4419 Are your efforts to save your marriage getting stalled?  Maybe we should take a look at your plan. You do have a plan, don't you? Let's talk about 5 reasons your plan (or lack of plan) may be the trouble -- and what we can do to make a switch. To be crystal clear, all 5 reasons are in your control.  YOU can choose how you move forward in each of these issues.  You may not have control over your spouse's reaction, but you do have choices in your planning and execution of your plan. RELATED RESOURCES: Points of Failure Your Reasons Why How To Save Your Marriage In 3 Simple Steps The Save The Marriage System Save The Marriage Toolkit Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. 562 562 5 Reasons Why Your Plan is Stalled full 16:36 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/2025/07/are-you-getting-dragged-under/ Wed, 16 Jul 2025 10:00:06 +0000 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/?p=4413 Every marriage crisis starts as a crisis of an individual.  As it expands into the marriage, the question is whether you, the spouse, will get pulled under by the crisis. Have you ever tried to save a drowning person? This can be kind of like that.  Get too close, and they will drag you under with them.  Their desperation will overcome any sensible decision.  Running purely on terror, they will flail, grab, and pull at anything that is nearby... and anyone. And when someone is in crisis, it can certainly feel like drowning... even with no water (other than tears).  The desperation is there.  The flailing is there.  And if you aren't careful, you can get pulled under. One person in crisis is enough.  Two people multiples the complications and difficulties in recovering the relationship. Don't allow yourself to get pulled under. In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I discuss 4 rules to keep from getting pulled under. RELATED RESOURCES Your Spouse Is Not The Enemy Conflict In Marriage Control What You Can Save The Marriage System What To Do When You Are Trying Alone Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. 561 561 Are You Getting Dragged Under?? full 26:21 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/2025/07/what-makes-a-marriage-great/ Wed, 09 Jul 2025 10:15:43 +0000 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/?p=4409 What makes a marriage work? What makes a marriage GREAT? Maybe you are trying to save your marriage, and aren't sure if that even matters.  Maybe you are trying to aim your marriage in a better direction, and aren't sure what that even looks like.  Or maybe you are considering getting married, but aren't sure if you have what it takes. In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I'll give you the 5 core ingredients to have a great marriage.  I'll tell you what they are, and how to get them.  Then, if you have special garnishes and additions, great! Problem is, many people think the extra additions are the core ingredients!  And when that doesn't work, they think they just don't have what it takes.  Turns out, they were just trying to make a recipe with the wrong ingredients.  No wonder it doesn't work out! After over three decades of focusing on relationships and marriage, the five core ingredients stand out, time after time.  So, let's make clear what they are, how to get them, and how that makes a difference. RELATED RESOURCES: Save The Marriage System Save The Marriage Toolkit Why Connection Matters Does Communication Matter? Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. 560 560 What Makes A Marriage Great? full 24:23 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/2025/07/are-you-dragging-to-therapy/ Wed, 02 Jul 2025 10:15:44 +0000 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/?p=4406 The email said, “I talked my spouse into going to therapy.” Another one asked, “How do I drag my spouse to therapy?” Oof. The first person was proud of the “convincing.” The second person got my response: You Don’t! (Unless, of course, you want to damn the process from the very beginning… and in that case, drag away!) Marriage therapy tends to be the default response to a marriage crisis (although the stats would not support this as the preferred action). If there is a problem, time to head to therapy! First task: get a spouse there. By pressure, if necessary. I think there is a (false) belief that if you can just get them there, the therapist will work some magic and convince the spouse to work on the marriage. The therapist won’t/can’t. And your spouse won’t. Fail/fail. But why? There are some Therapy Traps that you fall into when you try to drag a spouse into therapy (I cover the Traps in the podcast episode below). And in the process, you actually cause further entrenchment on the part of your spouse that things won’t work out. Yep, it makes things worse. I explain why in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast.  Listen below. RELATED RESOURCES Therapy Problems Can You Save It Alone? Can Your Marriage Even Be Saved? Book:  Beyond the 3 Barriers Program:  Save The Marriage System Toolkit:  When You Are Working Alone Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. 559 559 Are You Dragging a Spouse to Therapy?? full 19:46 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/2025/06/the-clarity-of-a-crisis/ Wed, 25 Jun 2025 10:00:57 +0000 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/?p=4404 Nothing gets your focus and attention like a crisis.  But sometimes, that Crisis Clarity isn't so helpful. Let's backtrack just a minute.  What is Crisis Clarity? Just for a moment, let's assume that you have had a sense that something was not right with your marriage.  Maybe you asked about it.  Or perhaps you just hoped for the best -- that things would turn around, settle down, and get on-track. Then suddenly, the crisis emerges.  You learn about an affair.  Your spouse gives you the "love you, not in love with you" speech.  Your spouse wants to separate.  You get divorce papers.  Or... fill in the blank ____________. It is no longer a theoretical problem. It is a full-blown crisis! And that crisis gets your attention.  Your FULL attention. That is Crisis Clarity. Yes, it can be helpful.  And it can also be harmful. How do you understand and handle Crisis Clarity?  I cover it in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast.  Listen below. RELATED RESOURCES The Pause Button Marriage Why Connection Matters Having a Plan No Contact is Crap Grab the System Grab The Repair Checklist Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. 558 558 The Clarity of Crisis full 14:06 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/2025/06/proving-your-viewpoint-is-dangerous/ Wed, 18 Jun 2025 10:25:17 +0000 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/?p=4399 I can’t count how many times a couple has come to me for “help with our communication skills.”  Funny thing is, they communicate just fine. Then why are they stuck in conflict?  Why are they disconnected?  Why does it seem like they aren’t on the same team? Viewpoints.  About each other and about the situation that caused the conflict. And because they have decided to prove their viewpoint to their spouse.  That is very dangerous.  Rarely is it successful, but always is it damaging. There are 2 underlying issues that affect this:  being a WE and being connected.  How strong is your sense of WE, and how connected are you?  When you don’t feel like you are on the same team and/or are feeling disconnected, it is far harder to communicate about the differences in perception.  More than that, you are unlikely to prove your connection to your spouse… especially when disconnected, but almost always. How do you solve it? We discuss what to do in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast. RELATED RESOURCES 3 Dimensions of Connection All About Being A WE Role of Conflict Healing Disconnection Save The Marriage System Tools for Saving Your Marriage Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. 557 557 Proving Your Viewpoint (Is Dangerous!) full 21:47 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/2025/06/wrong-focus-3-places-people-focus-and-shouldnt/ Wed, 11 Jun 2025 10:00:54 +0000 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/?p=4397 At the beginning of a coaching session, my clients often tell me what they have been focused on in their marriage crisis.  Almost always, they are focusing on the wrong things. And in the process, they are not focusing on the right things. Where we focus is what gets our attention.  Focus on the wrong things, and the wrong things get our attention… our energy… and our investment. That can head you right toward disaster and further discord.  And when you focus on the wrong things, trying harder does even more damage. "Rowing harder doesn’t help if the boat is headed in the wrong direction." Kenichi Ohmae There are three places people often focus their attention that are not helpful, at best, and can be harmful at worst.  And there are three areas that need your focus, that need your attention. Focus on the right areas to make progress in your marriage crisis. RELATED RESOURCES Why Connection Matters 3 Levels of Connection Dealing with Infidelity Save The Marriage System Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. 556 556 Wrong Focus: 3 Places People Focus... and Shouldn't full 20:15 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/2025/06/the-nmf-path-to-failure/ Wed, 04 Jun 2025 10:15:35 +0000 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/?p=4390 The email was pages long, all about the problems in her marriage.  Each line was about how her husband had ruined the marriage.  She pointed out actions of her husband, and he did make mistakes (no abuse, mind you). She wanted to know what to do -- how to save her marriage -- given the fact that it wasn't her fault.  She was clear that she wanted the marriage, but she just didn't know what to do, after all he had done to damage the relationship. NMF She was skidding down the fastest path to failing in her efforts.  And she didn't see how she had anything to do with it. NMF When we talked on the phone, I asked a little bit more about the dynamics of the relationship.  But I noticed she kept shifting back to "he did...," "he didn't...." She could point out his failures and shortcomings. And then she would return to her question:  Given his actions, how could she save her marriage? NMF I had no doubt that she really wanted to save her marriage.  And I had little doubt that she would be unsuccessful. Because she had fallen in the NMF trap.  Figured it out yet?  The NMF trap is "Not My Fault." Here is the problem with "Not My Fault":  It leaves you stuck.  It does relieve you of blame or fault.  But it also tends to rob people of responsibility (Response-Ability). Let's talk about why this trap happens and how to avoid it.  Listen below. RELATED RESOURCES Show Up How You Hide Choosing To Work Connection Being A WE Save The Marriage System Save The Marriage Toolkit - Resources Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. 555 555 The NMF Path to Failure full 23:50 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/2025/05/dangerous-approaches-to-saving-your-marriage/ Wed, 28 May 2025 10:00:10 +0000 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/?p=4385 Have you done an online search for info on how to save your marriage?  Were you overwhelmed with the results?? And the crazy amount of different approaches?? How do you sort through them?  How do you find a real approach, from someone who knows what they are doing? It’s like looking for a needle in a haystack. And the problem is, some approaches do more harm than good.  And many times, you don’t even know who it is that is giving you the information.  What are their qualifications?  How do they even approach it? I started my website in 1999 (THAT makes me feel old! — so last century!), before Google even existed.  And to be honest, there weren’t many places to look for stuff.  I remember when Google started.  That same search, “how to save your marriage,” might get a couple hundred results.  Still a lot. But far more manageable. With all that info, you are likely to feel overwhelm.  Which means that some people will do absolutely nothing, not sure where to start.  Others will try to do absolutely everything… also not sure where to start, but thinking everything is better than nothing.  And others will stumble upon approaches that do more harm than good.  There are two that are particularly prevalent.  And at best, not helpful. In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I give you 3 criteria to use in judging any information, and I dismantle 2 common (and dangerous) approaches to “saving” your marriage. Listen below. RELATED RESOURCES Reverse Psychology as an Approach No Contact is Crap Why I STILL Believe in Marriage Why I do this Work Therapy Problems Save The Marriage System Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. 554 554 Dangerous Approaches to Saving Your Marriage full 22:48 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/2025/05/rewiring-your-relationship/ Wed, 14 May 2025 10:00:55 +0000 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/?p=4380 Does your brain help or hinder your efforts to save your marriage? If you are like most people, your brain is actually a barrier in your efforts.  It keeps you stuck in old, unhelpful patterns.  And some of those pre-date even your marriage. Unfortunately, most people just don't have an "owner's manual" for their brain... and how it is running.  Which is too bad.  We could all use some upgrades and some rewiring.  Which is the good news.  Our brain IS capable of rewiring.  We ARE capable of growing, changing, and evolving. Which is why I wanted to have John Assaraf on my podcast.  John is a student of neuroscience, which he brings into his work as a coach and trainer.  He is also the author of a number of books.  And he is a darn good communicator about his ideas. These ideas are what I want you to take away.  They help you to find better ways of being, of thinking, and of relating.  Listen below to my interview with John.   RELATED RESOURCES John’s Website (with free ebook for you) Innercise (check out the app) STM Podcast:  4 Fears That Halt Your Efforts Save The Marriage System Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. 553 553 Rewiring Your Relationship full 1:05:34 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/2025/05/stuck-in-limbo/ Wed, 07 May 2025 10:15:04 +0000 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/?p=4376 Do you feel like you are stuck in limbo?  That crazy spot where you can’t move forward, but aren’t ending things?  Is it a spouse who has you stuck there? Well, that was the situation for “J.”  He wrote me because his spouse could not decide on whether to stay or go, work on things or walk away. He told me he was stuck in Limbo, didn’t know what to do, and didn’t know how to get his spouse to work on the relationship. What should he do?? I respond to J’s question in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast.  And it may just be where you find yourself, too.  Not able to move forward, but not ready to walk away. How do you deal with “Limbo”?  We discuss it.  Listen below. RELATED RESOURCES: 3 C’s of Saving Your Marriage 3 A’s in Your Control 3 Levels of Connection Save The Marriage System Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. 552 552 Stuck in Limbo?? full 22:22 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/2025/04/should-true-love-be-effortless/ Wed, 30 Apr 2025 10:00:06 +0000 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/?p=4371 Maybe you have heard these lines: "Love should just happen." "This is just too much work." "I'm not feeling it, so it must not be true love." "I just don't feel the attraction/excitement I used to feel.  Something is wrong." Have you ever been told something so many times that you begin to doubt yourself?  You begin to believe what the other person (an upset spouse, friends, family, etc.) says -- even if it goes against what you (think you) believe. Our notions about love are like that.  And unfortunately, those romanticized notions of love are what we grow up on.  We are fed them by movies, books, songs, and culture. But Authentic Love is different.  It is not devoid of romance.  It is just not based on it.  Romanticized love is based on 4 unsustainable elements.  Authentic Love is based on 4 sustainable elements, and in your control. "I'm not feeling it" is not a reason to end a marriage.  It is a reason to reconsider the working definition of love. Don't be sucked in by the view of love in the movies, in the books, in songs, and that others around you might have.  It is dangerous, and misguided. (No, I am not against romance -- unless it is used as the "litmus test" of a relationship.  Otherwise, it is great!) Listen to the podcast below. RESOURCES MENTIONED IN THE PODCAST: Interview with Bob Grant The Save The Marriage System Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. 551 551 Should True Love be Effortless?? full 23:37 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/2025/04/problems-with-marital-therapy/ Wed, 23 Apr 2025 10:00:28 +0000 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/?p=4367 Let me say it here, in writing:  I am NOT opposed to marital therapy.  I am quite concerned, however, on how marital therapy happens now.  I am concerned about the effectiveness of marital therapy.  And I am concerned for people who blindly seek out marital therapy, expecting it to help. If you don't know it, my training and background is as a marriage and family therapist.  I spent years, and several degrees, preparing to be a marriage therapist. And I was pretty disillusioned to see how ineffective marital therapy, overall, has been shown to be.  Statistics are about the bigger view, not the specific therapist with a specific couple.  But from the overall view, according to meta analysis of studies, about 75% of people who go to marital therapy still divorce.  Only around 10-15% report a positive help. Now, you see my issues.  Why, if this is the primary way of helping a marriage, is it so ineffective?  Three reasons:  1) Therapist training, 2) Therapist orientation, 3) Client resistance. Listen in to this podcast to understand the issues.  Then, you can make a better choice about whether therapy makes sense, how to find a good therapist, and how to make sure you and your spouse are truly ready for therapy. (And if you aren't, that doesn't mean there is nothing you can do!  That is why I created the Save The Marriage System, and why we offer Relationship Coaching.)   Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. 550 550 The Problem(s) with Marital Therapy (the Therapist WON'T Tell You) full 23:46 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/2025/04/malice-vs-neglect/ Wed, 16 Apr 2025 10:00:44 +0000 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/?p=4364 Many times, I watch couples caught in a spiral of accusations, each convinced of maliciousness on the part of their spouse.  But I don't think that is actually it. In fact, many times, both people in front of me seem to be hurting, but not malicious. Which is why it seems so clear to me that maliciousness is not (usually) the issue. I have that "usually" in there, because there are abusive relationships... in which case, someone is actually malicious (and that marriage should not be saved, at least at that time). You may be familiar with Occam's Razor.  Well, there are other "razors."  For example, Hanlon's Razor states, "Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity."  Which has led me to Baucom's Razor:  "No need to attribute to malice what is actually the result of neglect." In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I discuss how we get to this point of neglect, why it is so detrimental, and why it matters that you see Baucom's Razor in process.  And of course, all of that is aimed to help you reverse the damage and save your marriage. RELATED RESOURCES Why Connection Matters The Pause Button to Avoid The Save The Marriage System Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. 549 549 Malice vs. Neglect full 18:30 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/2025/04/forgiveness-not-a-blank-check/ Wed, 09 Apr 2025 10:00:00 +0000 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/?p=4360 Just to be clear, I am ALL FOR forgiveness.  I have talked about on the Save The Marriage Podcast and on my Thriveology Podcast. And in a marriage, there are ample opportunities to practice forgiving.  "Every-day forgiving" and big-time forgiving.  In such an intimate relationship, you are going to step on toes, hurt each other's feelings, make bad decisions -- and still have to figure out how to move forward.  You do that by forgiving. BUT (and this is a big BUT, which is why I capitalized it and bolded it) that does not mean the "forgiven" has carte blanche to keep up the behavior that required the forgiving. (By the way, not to chase a tangent, but did you know that carte blanche means "white card" or "blank card," meaning a check that is blank, but has been signed?  In other words, a "blank check.") When someone is forgiven, it is not permission to do "it" (whatever the "it" is that causes the need for forgiveness).  Forgiving is a decision to move forward.  It may or may not include moving forward in relationship.  But it is deciding to move forward in the face of something that happened. There is a saying that "the first time is a mistake, the second time is a choice." I would add, "the third time, on, it is a habit."  Forgiving something is not an open opportunity to repeat the behavior. Similarly, an apology is not an opportunity to repeat the behavior.  It is an acknowledgement of a mistake and an opportunity for change. One apologizes AND takes the opportunity to change (I have a podcast on apologizing).  One forgives, SO THAT the hurt and pain can be left behind. Listen to the podcast below for more. (. . . and if you need to catch up on the Immutable Laws Of Marriage series, here are the older episodes:) Immutable Laws Of Marriage Series #1 Marriage Is About Becoming A WE #2 Marriage Is NOT A Vehicle for Happiness (Or Misery) #3 We ALL Have Fear #4 There Is NO Pause #5 Connection Is The Lifeblood #6 The Goal Of Conflict Is Progress #7 Love Is What You Do #8 Look For The Best In Your Spouse #9 You Have To Show Up #10 Civility and Respect Is A Choice #11 Trust Is A Gift Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. 548 548 Forgiveness - NOT a Blank Check full 14:10 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/2025/04/its-not-the-event/ Wed, 02 Apr 2025 10:00:17 +0000 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/?p=4355 I used to notice how often an engaged couple would become so focused on getting married -- the wedding -- that they had a hard time focusing on what the process of being married would be. The reason this concerned me is because I know what happens next. And unless they make a shift, their marriage will hit a disconnect event, a moment of hurt. At the other end... when a marriage is hurting and in trouble, I watch as people once again focus on an event or a moment.  Perhaps it was that moment when a spouse says, "I love you, but I'm not in love with you."  Or perhaps it is an event, like separation or even divorce. Those events and moments hurt.  But they provide no path back to a loving and connected marriage.  To get there, you need to focus on something else, not the moment or the event. Let's talk about where to shift your focus, and where, so that you can restore your marriage. RELATED RESOURCES: The Save The Marriage System The Importance of Connection 3C's of Restoring Dangers of The Pause Button Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. 547 547 It's NOT the Event! full 21:36 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/2025/03/big-mistake-3-people-make/ Thu, 27 Mar 2025 16:00:33 +0000 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/?p=4352 There are lots of mistakes people make in their efforts to save their marriage.   This particular mistake is what I consider to be the 3rd biggest.  I hear it in the questions people send me every single week. In fact, I hear this mistake probably 3 or more times each day.  And here is the sad thing:  the mistake is made with all the best of intentions. . . and all the worst of results. Like all mistakes, it is avoidable.  (If something is unavoidable, it can't be a mistake; a mistake always has an alternative that could avoid the mistake.) I am betting you have made this mistake.  (I have.)  My hope is that, once I point it out, it will be so obvious that you will not repeat it. RELATED RESOURCES: 3 Problems With Marital Therapy Avoid The 3 A's Separation:  Will It Help? Why Your Spouse Doesn't Believe You Will Change "I've Changed" and 3 Other Things NOT To Say Grab the Save The Marriage System Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. 546 546 Big Mistake #3 People Make full 15:04 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/2025/03/facing-the-facts-of-your-crisis/ Wed, 19 Mar 2025 10:00:19 +0000 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/?p=4348 Sometimes, just a hint or trick will do it.  Maybe you want a trick or hint for an online game.  Or even a trick for a better pancake.  A hint for a better pushup. But hints and tricks won’t work for saving a marriage. Which is what I try to explain when I get the daily emails and voicemails, just asking for a hint or trick.  Nothing wrong with asking.  But the answer is, “you need more than a hint or trick.  You need an approach.  You need a system.” But you also need a starting point, a way to get beyond the stuck point.  Most people just don’t know how to start, so they start with hints and tricks.  And then they realize there is more to this, more to the crisis. When people tell me that they had a great marriage “until a week/month/year/___ time period ago, when ___________ happened,” they are missing that the seeds of the crisis were planted long before. And that is why we need to fix the underlying issues, address the underlying problems, and rebuild in a sustainable way… for a long-term marriage. In this episode of the podcast, I use the acronym from Gay Hendricks of FACT.  We will FACT out your marriage crisis and get you moving forward. Pay attention to the choice of path (3 W’s), and your action plan (3 C’s) in order to make a real shift as you face the FACTs of your crisis. RELATED RESOURCES Connection is Vital You Need a Plan 3 C Approach 3 Levels of Connection Save The Marriage System Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. 545 545 Facing the FACTs of Your Crisis full 22:48 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/2025/03/5-things-you-must-stop-doing/ Wed, 12 Mar 2025 10:00:07 +0000 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/?p=4342 I know it hurts.  And I know that the pain, the anger, and the frustration can get you to act in ways that are not helpful. Lots of people are not sure about what TO do (which is why I created the Save The Marriage System). But they may be less clear on what they should STOP doing. In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I tell you about 5 very common, very unhelpful, things I see people do when they are trying to save their marriage. And unfortunately, they get the exact opposite of what they want.  They want to have a spouse want to work on things, pivot away from separation or divorce, and return to the marriage.  Instead, they get distance and a hardened belief that there is no other option than ending things. Which is why you DON'T want to fall into any of these 5 traps. Oh, and I will also let you in on 3 things you should be doing (none requires your spouse to participate -- at the beginning).   RELATED RESOURCES: The Save The Marriage System Why Connection Matters The No Contact Rule Crap Ways to NOT Save Your Marriage Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. 544 544 5 Things You Must STOP Doing full 23:18 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/2025/03/dealing-with-apathy/ Wed, 05 Mar 2025 11:00:49 +0000 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/?p=4336 So, what DO you do when apathy strikes?  It might be YOUR apathy.  But more likely, it will be your spouse's apathy. (And it might be both of you!) It just seems there is no emotion, no care, no concern. What IS apathy? What does it mean? Why does it happen? And most importantly, what can you do about it? This week, we explore dealing with YOUR apathy, then dealing with YOUR SPOUSE'S apathy. RELATED RESOURCES You Are The Best Tool Dealing With Disconnection "Too Little, Too Late"? Start With What Is You Need A Plan 3 C's Of Saving Your Marriage Dealing With Anxiety No Contact Is Crap No Reverse Psychology Interview with Gary Chapman Save The Marriage System Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. 543 543 Dealing with Apathy full 28:40 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/2025/02/choosing-your-response/ Wed, 26 Feb 2025 11:00:11 +0000 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/?p=4331 Have you ever been sucked into a situation or argument, then realized your actions were not what you wanted? There is that split second, that pause, where you get to choose your response. Many people miss that split second, telling themselves, "I had no choice.  I was just reacting." But deep down, we know that is not the case.  We have a choice on how to respond.  If you miss that choice, you will regret the reaction. How do you choose? Let's talk about that in this week's podcast.  Listen below. RELATED RESOURCES Be On The Same Team Argument Fails Your Fail Points The Save The Marriage System Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. full 15:21 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/2025/02/you-have-a-choice/ Wed, 19 Feb 2025 11:00:38 +0000 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/?p=4327 “It’s your choice,” I reassured her.  It was a call I picked up between sessions.  The person told me she had been following my System, but wasn’t sure if she could keep it up.  She wasn’t sure if it mattered, so she was thinking about quitting.  She wanted to know what I thought…. I didn’t need to convince her either way.  It really was her choice.  Should she walk away or should she keep working on it?  Only she could answer. My concern was what seemed to be fueling her decision.  She was discouraged. (Which is an interesting word, denoting she had lost courage… and she was coming to me to be encouraged — to gain courage — to act one way or the other.) To be fair, the process of saving your marriage is emotional, heart-wrenching, painful, frustrating, and exhausting… before it turns the corner.  Is it worth it? That was her choice.  The Choice.  To work on it or to walk away. Maybe it is all just getting to people this week… winter keeps on coming, crises seem to be everywhere, politics is unavoidable… and then there is that marriage crisis! Navigating all of that, staying afloat, and continuing to push forward is just tough. Which leads to the choice.  Work on it or walk away? RELATED RESOURCES Resistant Spouse Can Every Marriage Be Saved? The 4th C “Give It To Me Straight” Save The Marriage System Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. 541 541 You Have A Choice full 30:03 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/2025/02/dont-fall-for-bad-advice/ Wed, 12 Feb 2025 11:00:11 +0000 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/?p=4322 I wish this only happened every now and then. Imagine, for a second, that someone is working on saving their marriage.  In this case, they have chosen  to use my System.  And they are making progress! (Yay!) Then... they decide to do something else... add something on... try to "spice up" their approach.  And suddenly, their efforts fall apart. The other day, I was talking with someone who falls into this approach.  Making great progress using my material.  Then losing all progress when they added on some more "save your marriage" stuff they found on the internet. "I guess your approach doesn't work," this person said.  I pointed out that my approach was, in fact, working... until they stopped using it and went with pretty much the exact opposite of what I recommend. No surprise, but their spouse was confused.  And this person said, "I don't get it!  It was supposed to save my marriage!" I asked, "Did you 'look under the hood' to see what was behind that approach?  Did you wonder if it is compatible with what you were already doing?"  I knew the answer before I asked, and I could tell I was correct from the confused "umm... I... well... uh... what do you mean?" that I heard back. Let me be the first to say, there is some great information out there on saving your marriage. And there is also a lot of steaming piles of 💩 out there!  But when someone is desperate to save their marriage, it is sometimes tempting to jump onto some "great idea" out there.  But that isn't a great approach... if you want to be successful. You have to manage that mess... or "Gatekeep" what is coming your way.  And that is what we talk about on this week's episode.  I discuss what works and what doesn't, how to distinguish between them, and how to gatekeep yourself, so that you save your marriage! Listen below.   RELATED RESOURCES: My Approach My Books My System Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. 540 540 Don't Fall for Bad Advice full 24:34 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/2025/02/on-the-team/ Wed, 05 Feb 2025 11:00:17 +0000 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/?p=4318 One more argument.  One more struggle.  They sat on my couch, facing each other down as opponents in some contest to... win... well, to be honest, I don't know what they were trying to win.  Because they were not winning at marriage! I stopped them, looked at them and said, "You do know you are on the same team..." and they stared blankly at me, so I continued, "... right??" They certainly were not working like a team.  They were acting like enemies, in competition with each other.  They were struggling to win.  But either one "winning" would be a "lose" for the marriage. Too many people miss this one essential -- crucial -- fact about marriage... you both are on the same team.  You are working toward a common goal (or should be).  The task is not winning as an individual, but as a team, as a couple, as a family. This is the fundamental point of being what I call a "WE."  WE are in this together; WE stand side-by-side; WE have each other's back; WE are a team!  Same side, same direction (or should be). Listen to this episode for how to get on the same team! RELATED RESOURCES: Connecting Being A WE Conflict Save The Marriage System   Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. full 18:50 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/2025/01/2-big-fears-and-insecurities/ Wed, 29 Jan 2025 11:00:12 +0000 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/?p=4313 Fears. They can certainly derail us humans! But what about relationship fears?  Just those basic fears and insecurities that we all carry with us in relationships? Yep, we all have them.  2 basic fears.  And those 2 fears?  They pull against each other.  One can trigger the other in couples.  We all have both, but tend to have a tendency to one fear or the other.  And when that fear is triggered, it often triggers the opposite fear in a spouse. Which, by the way, increases the fear in the other. Those two fears? Fear of Intimacy Fear of Abandonment Let's talk about what those fears are about, why we have them, what triggers them, and why it becomes such an issue in marriage. RELATED RESOURCES Fears That Get In Your Way Importance of Connection 3 Simple Step Book Save The Marriage System Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. full 17:47 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/2025/01/games-you-play/ Wed, 22 Jan 2025 11:00:34 +0000 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/?p=4308 Games should be fun.  But the games we are talking about today are NOT fun. These are patterns of interaction and communication. The design is to get a need met.  But behind it is a dysfunction.  It may be a lack of clarity in what someone wants or expects.  It may be an unwillingness to say what a person wants or needs.  It may be a false expectation of how things should be.  But somewhere is a false belief. And that false belief -- along with the effort to fulfill that belief -- is what leads to the (destructive) game. Are you playing one of these games? RELATED RESOURCES You Need To Show UP! Connection Matters Save The Marriage System   Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. 537 537 Games Couples Play full 15:29 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/2025/01/hot-or-cold/ Wed, 15 Jan 2025 11:00:16 +0000 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/?p=4304 Is your marriage crisis marked by heated arguments or cold distance?  Hot or cold? Are they really that different?  Or is it all a part of the same process?  And how does it affect your attempts to save your marriage? During back-to-back coaching sessions with two couples, I had a case of each.  In the first, both were practically red-faced with anger, talking over each other and refusing to listen. In the second session, the couple were cold and distant, refusing to engage with each other, routing all discussions through me.  Both refused to listen to the other. The underlying issues were the same.  The emotional temperature was different.  Each couple had set their “emotional thermostat” to a different level.  And neither couple seemed interested in changing the setting. What is the difference between the heat and the cold?  How does it affect your efforts to save your marriage?  Is it possible that both the heat and the cold are actually pointing toward the same process?  The same path? We explore the difference between hot and cold crises and what to do to turn it around in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast. Listen below. RELATED RESOURCES Why Connection Matters Changing Yourself Learning About Anger Grab the Save The Marriage System Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. 536 536 Hot or Cold?? full 27:46 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/2025/01/blame-whos-the-problem/ Wed, 08 Jan 2025 11:30:49 +0000 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/?p=4299 Maybe your spouse has been saying, "This is ALL YOUR FAULT!"  Or maybe it is just you... wondering... torturing yourself... about whether this marriage crisis is your fault.  Are you the problem? Let me reassure you that you are not the first person to wonder that.  People search about that on my blog.  People write me to ask that same question.  Many people start our coaching sessions with the same question. So, what is the truth? Are you the problem?  Did you cause the problem?  Does that even help the problem? Many times, people like to look at one single point-in-time... frequently, a point that leaves them as NOT at fault.  They look for a time when they can accuse someone else, blame someone else, for the situation. And rarely is that accurate, or even fair. Still, we all like to point the blame elsewhere. Let's talk about this from a couple of perspectives.  One is kind of a higher level perspective, to question the concept of blame.  The other is a much more practical "what do I do?" perspective.  Both get us to a better place than simply asking, "Am I the problem? Am I to blame for our marriage crisis?" Listen below as I tackle the question:  "Am I the Problem?" RELATED RESOURCES Showing Up Blame & Shame Ruining Today with Yesterday How To NOT Save Your Marriage How TO Save Your Marriage -- System Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. 535 535 Blame... who's the problem?? full 21:16 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/2024/12/hopeful-or-hopeless/ Wed, 18 Dec 2024 11:00:42 +0000 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/?p=4294 Miranda asked me, “What do I do?  My spouse is hopeless that we can save our marriage. I’m losing hope, too." A while back, I did a training for members of my VIP Program, noting three barriers in the way of a spouse working on the marriage… along with how to respond.  One of those barriers is hopelessness. But if a spouse is hopeless… how can you hold onto hope? There is an equation of hope:  hope = goal + pathways to goal + action to get there. If you noticed from the equation, a spouse (you) can choose hope, even when a spouse is hopeless.  Especially if you recognize that the hopeless spouse cannot see that goal… cannot see a way forward (a path)… and therefore, can’t see a way to take action. There are traps at each of those three elements of hope… and if one is not present, it isn’t really hope.  So, let’s talk about how to grab each element, keep it in place, and keep moving forward. Listen to the episode below. RELATED RESOURCES Book, Beyond the 3 Barriers — Covers hopelessness! Save The Marriage System Coaching Services Moving Forward… One Way or the Other Stuck in the Negative The Fatal Triangle Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. 534 534 Hopeful or Hopeless?? full 31:40 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/2024/12/when-the-holidays-get-heavy-marriage-crisis/ Wed, 11 Dec 2024 11:00:45 +0000 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/?p=4290 When life is hard, Holidays can feel heavy.  When there is a marriage crisis, it can be tough to muster the energy to even move forward — especially when all the commercials and movies push the “merry and bright” of a mythic holiday. And here we are, on the cusp of the Holiday season!  It cuts across nations and beliefs.  The season is here. A client recently told me, “I just want to crawl into bed and get up on January 2nd." What a loss!  She would be losing out!  No chance to find the deeper meaning of the Holidays.  No chance at connection, re-connection, and healing. Her real desire was to avoid pain.  But her solution did more than avoiding pain.  It avoided life, and all it offered. My suggestion:  deal with the heavy Holidays in a way that brings depth, connection, and healing, by engaging in the holiday. I have 5 suggestions on dealing with Holidays in the midst of a marriage crisis. Listen below.   RELATED RESOURCES Gratitude and Marriage How Gratitude Can Transform Your Marriage Ghosts of Marriage Past Holidays and Marriage Save The Marriage System Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. 533 533 When the Holidays Get Heavy: Marriage Crisis full 16:11 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/2024/12/did-your-therapist-go-straight-to-divorce/ Wed, 04 Dec 2024 11:00:38 +0000 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/?p=4285 "In our very first session, our therapist told me that we were divorcing and I need to accept it," Claire wrote. I invited people to submit questions. And Claire did. (You can, too, by EMAILING HERE.) Here is what happened:  Claire wanted to save her marriage.  Her husband thought it was over.  Claire convinced him to go to therapy.  But then, near the end of the first session (and as it turns out, the only session), the therapist turned to Claire and announced that the marriage was over and she needed to accept it. Claire was shocked.  No efforts to work on the relationship. No discussion on what might be possible.  Just a declaration that the marriage was over... not from her husband, but from the therapist! I only wish this was the first time to have heard pretty much the same story... but I have heard it over and over.  Does a therapist have a right to announce that divorce is inevitable? Should a therapist work on the relationship first? Let's talk about 3 dangers that come up for therapy... and what to do about them. RELATED RESOURCES Can Therapy Help? The Dangers of Marital Therapy Myths of Marital Therapy What Your Therapist Won't Tell You Am I Against Therapy? How To Start System To Save Your Marriage CLICK TO EMAIL A QUESTION   Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. 532 532 Did Your Therapist Go Straight To Divorce?? full 24:21 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/2024/11/dont-tell-why/ Wed, 20 Nov 2024 11:00:44 +0000 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/?p=4277 I know.  It's tempting.  Your marriage is having troubles and you want to talk about it.  Maybe your friends would be good to tell.  Or maybe your family can listen.  Or perhaps you should contact your in-laws to "talk some sense" into your spouse. Don't.  Stop.  Think again before you share. Those words that feel so good right now may come back to haunt you can cause other problems when things turn around. You may be thinking that you will only be telling to get support and love.  And you might get support.  But that support likely includes siding with you.  And if someone sides with you, they will likely side against your spouse. When you talk to someone about a problem with someone else, you create a "triangle," to use a term from communication experts.  And that triangle may feel good and feel more stable.  But it complicates the original conflict and issues. And that often serves to further undermine the relationship... along with the chances for recovery. Does that mean that you can't get help and support? Nope.  You just want to go about getting support the right way. I discuss the reasons why NOT to tell others about your marriage problems in this week's podcast episode... along with who TO tell.  Listen below. RELATED RESOURCES Conflict and Marriage Communication Is Not The Issue Anxiety and Anger in a Crisis Chronic To Crisis Save The Marriage System Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. 531 531 Don't tell. Here's why... full 15:58 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/2024/11/3-ways-you-may-fail-in-saving-your-marriage/ Wed, 13 Nov 2024 11:00:16 +0000 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/?p=4273 You want to save your marriage. Right? That is why you are here, right?  So, what might get in your way?  How might you fail in your efforts? Let me be clear:  in this podcast episode, I discuss 3 ways YOU may fail at your efforts.  This isn't about why your efforts will fail, because of a spouse... or family... or an affair... or anything outside of, well, you. Which is why this episode is so important for you.  The 3 ways you may fail, they are all about choices and decisions you can make.  You have control. But first, you need to know about these 3 ways you may fail.  I'll tell you what they are, and how to make sure you don't fall into the fail traps they create. Listen below.   RELATED RESOURCES: 3 Failpoints of Saving A Marriage Marriage Failpoint Book 3 Reasons Your Efforts Might Fail Save The Marriage System Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. 530 530 3 Ways You May Fail (in saving your marriage) full 23:40 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/2024/11/therapy-coaching-alone-together/ Wed, 06 Nov 2024 11:00:01 +0000 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/?p=4269 I had nearly back-to-back discussions with people about coaching and therapy. One wanted to know if I could see them and their spouse. The other wanted to know if they could go to marital therapy alone. You may already know that I have concerns with marital therapy (yes, I am trained as a therapist).  But there are times when marital therapy (given the right circumstances) can be helpful. But can you do it alone? Early in my career (I was still finishing my Ph.D., but was already providing therapy), I realized that my approach was more of a coaching approach.  So, immediately after my dissertation was finished, I started a multi-year coach training program.  And since then, I have offered coaching services to people who want to thrive, whether in life or in a marriage. Many times, that means I am speaking with one person.  So, can you do coaching together?  With your spouse? Well, since I had those questions so close together, I decided I could answer it for more people in an episode of my podcast.  So, here it is! You can listen below.   RELATED RESOURCES: No, this won't save your marriage (but might be what therapy focuses on) What DOES determine success or failure in therapy? Top 10 myths about marital therapy 3 times when coaching can help Grab the Save The Marriage System Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. 528 528 Therapy? Coaching? Alone?? Together?? full 19:59 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/2024/10/zombie-infected-marriage/ Wed, 30 Oct 2024 10:00:40 +0000 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/?p=4265 Is your marriage infected by the "zombie virus?"  Do you find your relationship to be the "walking dead?"  Are emotions lost and connections missing?  Do you and your spouse respond to each other with "zombie grunts?" The infection can be stopped.  You can fight the infection and heal the relationship. Don't allow the big 4 symptoms of a zombie infection to overtake your relationship's immune system.  Fight back and restore your relationship to the living and the healthy. Okay, to be fair, this is a “tip o’ the hat” to Halloween… but still an important subject! Listen below. RELATED RESOURCES: Pause Button Marriages Dangers of Disconnection "Can This Marriage Be Saved?” The Save The Marriage System Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. 529 529 Zombie-Infected Marriage? full 26:22 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/2024/10/5-steps-to-managing-your-emotions/ Wed, 16 Oct 2024 10:00:34 +0000 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/?p=4260 It can be an emotional storm in the middle of a marriage crisis.  Sometimes, it seems that every little thing blows up into big things... almost without control. A marriage crisis is one of the bigger life stressors.  If you are dealing with that, you are already emotionally "tapped out."  Which means it might not take much for you to boil over... And undo any progress you have been making. I have frequently been told that "I just can't control my emotions."  And in reality, the challenge is not controlling, but managing, your emotions. In this podcast episode, I outline 5 ways for you to manage your emotions in the midst of a marriage crisis. Is it hard?  It can be a challenge.  But it is do-able. You can do it!  Let's talk about how! (Listen Below!) RELATED RESOURCES Getting Perspective You Need A Plan Take Care of Yourself Get Some Support Don't Read Tea Leaves The Save The Marriage System Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. 527 527 5 Steps to Managing Your Emotions full 22:52 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/2024/10/the-safety-zone/ Wed, 09 Oct 2024 10:00:17 +0000 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/?p=4256 She started the conversation by telling how she was confused… her spouse had confused her.  He said he didn’t feel safe enough to share his emotions, didn’t feel safe enough to move back into their bedroom, didn’t feel safe enough to talk through their issues.  She told me, “I have never hurt him or threatened to hurt him.  How can he feel unsafe?" Safety (and feeling safe) is an interesting thing.  There doesn’t actually have to be a real threat in order to feel unsafe.  Our brains are always looking for a sense of threat — and it takes very little to trigger the feeling of threat.  A look, a tone… a small hint can be perceived as a real threat. We don’t risk connecting when we feel threatened.  Connecting requires vulnerability.  And vulnerability requires a sense of safety. Again, that is not necessarily tied to reality of threat.  So, do you (and your spouse) create spaces of safety?  Do you internally communicate safety in your relationship? Learn why this is so important and how to do it in the Save The Marriage Podcast below. RELATED RESOURCES Connection in Marriage Connection and Disconnection Resources Connection or Protection Save The Marriage System Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. 526 526 The Safety Zone?? full 25:17 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/2024/10/why-you-are-derailed/ Wed, 02 Oct 2024 10:00:32 +0000 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/?p=4252 When a marriage crisis hits, people kick into gear!  They dig in and work on their relationship. Many times, they start to see results.  Things are turning for the better.  The relationship is warming.  Things aren't quite so hostile. But then.... They get derailed.  Thrown off-course.  Lost in the crisis. Not surprisingly, any gains made are quickly lost.  Things become even more tense and fractured. Why did they get derailed?  Four reasons:  Distracted, Distanced, Doubtful, and Discouraged. I go into each of these... as well as how to avoid falling into the trap and getting derailed... in this week's Save The Marriage Podcast.  You can listen below. RELATED RESOURCES You Need A Plan Can Your Marriage Be Saved? When Is It Too Late? Your Fail Points Book:  The Marriage Fail Point Save The Marriage System Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. 525 525 Why You Are Derailed (And What to Do About It) full 22:08 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/2024/09/change-can-you-can-your-marriage/ Wed, 25 Sep 2024 10:00:00 +0000 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/?p=4249 Is it actually possible for people to change?? For you to change?? For your marriage to change? That question has been asked for millenia.  It is a question of theology, philosophy, and psychology. And yet, sometimes, it seems like there is no real answer. As a student of all three arenas, and as a therapist/coach, I have thought long and hard about this question. Sometimes, people ask me this question, about themselves, about their spouse, or about their relationship. Short answer, "Yes, you and your marriage can change. But will you??" Let's talk about the possibility of change, the potential for it, and how to move toward it.  That is what we cover in this week's episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast. RELATED RESOURCES: Why Your Spouse Doesn't See Your Changes What To Do When A Spouse Says, "You'll Never Change!" Save The Marriage System Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. 524 524 Change: Can You? Can Your Marriage?? full 28:02 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/2024/09/starting-point-me-or-we/ Wed, 18 Sep 2024 10:00:14 +0000 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/?p=4244 What do you do if your spouse decides they need to work on themselves... and then they may (or may not) be willing to work on the marriage?  What do you do if your spouse just refuses to work on your marriage? That is the question of the week, asked by Sam.  He said his wife wants to better herself.  Then, maybe she would address the marriage. As part of my series, answering your questions, I want to address this one.  Because it might just be YOUR question, too!  (If not, you can SUBMIT YOUR QUESTION HERE.) Many times, when a marriage is in trouble, a spouse (or maybe you) just won't address the relationship issues, insisting they (or you) need to work on themselves (or yourself) before looking at the marriage. The binary question:  "work on me or work on WE?" stands out.  But does it have to be so binary.  Is it really one or the other?  Or is there another way to approach this? If you try to force a spouse to work on the relationship, that won't work... and might make things better.  So, what CAN you do? Listen to this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast for my response.   RELATED RESOURCES Don't Try to Convince Showing UP in Marriage Dealing with Conflict The Importance of Self-Expansion The Save The Marriage System HERE Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. 523 523 Starting Point: Me or WE?? full 17:10 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/2024/09/principle-connect-dont-crowd/ Wed, 11 Sep 2024 10:00:15 +0000 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/?p=4240 Connection is so important for a marriage.  When connection is cut off, the relationship falters.  When a marriage is disconnected, the marriage is at risk. But many people think they are connecting... and they are actually crowding. Crowding, in a struggling marriage, is as toxic as disconnecting. Does it feel like a tightrope?  Well, it really isn't. As long, that is, as you understand the underlying principle:  Connect, Don't Crowd. In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I give you access to one of ten principles I cover in my VIP program (an advanced program for those who have my System, but want to be more effective or need more help). Resources in the VIP program are generally restricted only to VIP members, but I wanted to make sure you don't fall into the "crowding trap."  I see it far too often. Especially for people who have realized they hit the Pause Button on their marriage... and are trying to reconnect. Listen in to find how to connect without crowding.  Don't fall into the trap! (If you want to grab ALL the Principles of Saving Your Marriage, GO HERE)   RELATED RESOURCES: Pause Button Marriage Connection is the Life Blood Connection Tools Save The Marriage System The 10 Principles of Saving Your Marriage Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. 522 522 Principle: Connect, Don't Crowd full 49:11 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/2024/09/3-turning-points-to-act-on/ Wed, 04 Sep 2024 10:00:09 +0000 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/?p=4234 Many times, people contact me to tell me that their marriage is... well... continuing to spiral down, in spite of their efforts. Over the years, I have noted some "turning points," when things often start turning around.  And I want to share 3 of these turning points with you. Here is the good news:  all 3 turning points I note are 100% within your control.  Yes, there are other events and actions that can also turn things (or at least, start turning things).  It is not JUST these 3 turning points.  There are others. But these turning points I chose to highlight are ones you can choose at any time and at any point. To be clear, just because you make a change, that does not guarantee that things WILL turn around.  (I would be able to retire, if that were the case.)  It's just that these actions often are the turning points in the effort to save your marriage. Will making the 3 turns guarantee a saved marriage?  No.  But they may just make a shift.  Playing the odds, doesn't it make sense to give the 3 turning points a chance for change? Listen to the podcast episode below for the 3 Turning Points. RELATED RESOURCES Chasing Won't Work Response-Able Show Up Will YOUR Marriage Be Saved? Your Fail Point Marriage Fail Points Book Save The Marriage System Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. 521 521 3 Turning Points To Act On full 27:02 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/2024/08/get-knocked-down-get-back-up/ Wed, 28 Aug 2024 10:00:16 +0000 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/?p=4230 You started working on saving your marriage.  Good for you! And then, you hit a bump.  You get knocked down.  Maybe you discovered an affair, physical or emotional.  Maybe your spouse is irritable and upset.  Maybe it is anger and resentment, yours or your spouse’s. And it knocks you down. Enough that you think it is over.  That you are at the end. But are you?  Or do you need to get back up? In most things in life, we think the process is (or should be) smooth.  I fall for that myth all the time.  I think a project is going to be easy and straightforward.  Only to find a complication and difficulty at every turn. And guess what?  The same is true in your efforts to save your marriage. We talk about how you might get knocked down… and how to get up again, in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast.   RELATED RESOURCES Dealing with Discouragement You Need A Plan Not A Wish, A Plan Your Support Team Do You Need Coaching? Coaching Resource Page Save The Marriage System Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. 520 520 Get Knocked Down, Get Back Up full 26:43 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/2024/08/is-your-spouse-stuck-in-the-negative/ Wed, 14 Aug 2024 10:00:17 +0000 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/?p=4225 Several listeners asked why a spouse only remembers the negative, or only dwells on the negative.  Why don't they remember the good times or see the good things? Over the years, I have noticed this as a recurring and common issue in your efforts to save your marriage.  A spouse's thoughts just stay on the negative.  Maybe thinking about what is going on now or remembering what happened then.  (Memories are just current thoughts about past events -- not accurate representations of the past.) Since this is such a common phenomenon, I thought it might be good to cover it in a podcast episode. If your spouse is stuck in the negative (or you find yourself stuck in the negative), let's look at the reasons it happens... and what you can do about it! RELATED RESOURCES Book:  How To Save Your Marriage in 3 Simple Steps (I have a chapter on changing limiting beliefs) How's Your Attitude? Hope and Stockdale Paradox Where To Focus "The Last Straw" Going Pro Program: Save The Marriage Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. 519 519 Is Your Spouse Stuck in the Negative? full 23:06 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/2024/08/how-to-know-if-its-too-late-to-save-your-marriage/ Wed, 07 Aug 2024 10:00:35 +0000 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/?p=4221 How do you know if it is too late to save your marriage?? That happens to be one of the most common questions I get from people... sometimes even at the beginning of a coaching sessions.  But also by email and on conference calls. I get it.  We all want to know what the future holds. Do you put forth the effort for a lost cause?  Do you put your heart on the line, if there just isn't any way to get a positive outcome? So, people want to know... is there a way to know if it is too late? Good news:  there is! Bad news:  it will take some action on your part! In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I cover how you can find out if it is too late to save your marriage.  Listen below.   RELATED RESOURCES: Why People Get Derailed Quitting Time?  Resources to Decide Save The Marriage System Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. 518 518 How To Know If It's Too Late To Save Your Marriage full 19:48 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/2024/07/the-path-is-to-we/ Wed, 31 Jul 2024 10:00:04 +0000 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/?p=4216 My approach is the 3C approach to saving your marriage.  The 3C's are C-onnect, C-hange, and C-reate.  Connect with your spouse.  Change yourself.  Create a new path. The first two may be more obvious... but still missed by many people.  Relationships are grown by connection, and harmed by a lack of connection.  We grow personally, when we change... and stagnate when we don't.  But that path to create.  Where to?? I recently got an email that asked just that:  "What is the path I am building?  Where to??" While I thought I had been clear with that, the email is a reminder that perhaps I had not been so clear. So, let me be clear.  You are creating a new path... building a path... to WE. This is the deep and profound understanding that you and your spouse are becoming a unit, a team.  A WE.  As in, "We are in this together," "We are a team," "We stand together through thick and thin." But, since I want to be super-clear about this, I thought I would do a deep-dive in this episode of my podcast. You can listen below.   RELATED RESOURCES: The Immutable Laws of Living Book:  3 Simple Steps to Saving Your Marriage Save The Marriage System Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. 517 517 The Path is to WE full 23:10 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/2024/07/space-vs-connection/ Wed, 17 Jul 2024 10:00:59 +0000 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/?p=4211 It is such a common demand from a spouse during a marital crisis:  “I need space!  You just need to give me space!” Yet here I am, telling you to connect with your spouse, to rebuild the broken connection that led to the crisis. Are they opposites? One listener to the Save The Marriage Podcast was wondering.  Which means that others might be wondering the same thing. Here is the problem:  When your marriage is in crisis and a spouse asks for space, if you can’t give it, your spouse will demand MORE space.  And if that is not given, your spouse will force even MORE space.  Each step causes deeper disconnection and a deeper crisis. And yet, you know you need to fix the disconnection in order to heal the crisis.  It just seems that connecting and giving space are opposite ends.  But that is mainly because of the way you are trying to connect.  You can accidentally be crowding, not connecting. Listen in to discover the truth about “space” and how to connect without crowding. (And if you have questions you want answered on the podcast, CLICK HERE TO SEND THEM.) RELATED RESOURCES What is Space? Why is Connection Important? How To Stop Chasing Taking Responsibility Save The Marriage System Reconnect Without Chasing Workbook Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. 516 516 "Space" vs Connection full 17:16 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/2024/07/4-stages-of-crisis-awareness/ Wed, 10 Jul 2024 10:00:42 +0000 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/?p=4207 In my Save The Marriage System Quick-Start Guide, I show the 8 distinct stages of a marriage crisis. But those are the stages of the crisis.  There are also stages to your awareness of the crisis. This is the point where you are aware of the crisis, the level of the crisis, and the potential threat of the crisis.  And just to let you know:  you are NOT at stage 1.  That would be Asleep.  This is the point when you are not even aware that things are in trouble.  You are blissfully unaware of — or choosing to not notice — the looming marriage crisis that is already underway. But then you wake up to find yourself in the midst of a troubled relationship, a hurting marriage! Your spouse may be further along the process, and your marriage may be further along the progression of the crisis.  That is independent of your own awareness of the crisis. In this episode of the marriage crisis, I discuss the 4 stages of crisis awareness, and the 1 thing you need to do — along with some thoughts on how to/how NOT to do that very thing. Listen in below. RELATED RESOURCES FACT of the Crisis Can The Marriage Be Saved? Why It Matters Happy or Hurting? Save The Marriage System Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. 515 515 4 Stages of Crisis Awareness full 21:07 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/2024/07/bigger-victim/ Wed, 03 Jul 2024 10:30:48 +0000 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/?p=4200 Most people don’t come right out and say it, but they have a sneaking suspicion that they are the victim in their marital situation.  They believe they have been done wrong… more wrong than they have done. Problem is, their spouse is believing the same thing. Over and over, I watched as people seemed to make a mad race to be the bigger victim, each on their side of my couch, trying desperately to prove they have done all they can.  But their spouse…. It is quite a game.  Not one that either person is enjoying.  Yet both are playing. In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I tell you the rules of the game, why we play the game… and how to end the game… unless you really want to win it.  Then, you can use the information to do that… although I don’t know why you would really want to.  That game ends with 3 losers:  You, your spouse, and your marriage. RELATED RESOURCES NMF Syndrome How NOT to Save Your Marriage Being on the Same Team Save The Marriage System Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. 514 514 Who's The Bigger Victim? full 30:13 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/2024/06/what-about-me/ Wed, 26 Jun 2024 10:30:26 +0000 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/?p=4196 Let me be the first to say, saving your marriage can be hard on you emotionally! Well, I don't really need to tell you, do I?  YOU are living it! One of the tough things, if you are going it alone (at the moment) is the fact that you want to feel loved, too.  You are likely trying to make sure your spouse feels love... feels love.  You are likely working on connection... even if it isn't (currently) coming back your way. And since we humans really want and need that love and connection, it can be tough when you don't feel it coming back. Because of just that, many people give up -- even if they are almost there!  Even if they are pretty close to saving their marriage, they often give up, frustrated and hurt. I get that.  I understand it. And I want to make sure you understand it, too.  So, we talk about the feeling and what to do about it, in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast. Don't get derailed (when you might be so close to your goal!).   RELATED RESOURCE: The Marriage Experiment Training The Save The Marriage System The Video of This Training Episode on Hope and Hopelessness Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. 513 513 "What About ME??" - When YOU Feel Unloved full 22:15 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/2024/06/therapy-succeed-or-fail/ Wed, 19 Jun 2024 10:30:04 +0000 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/?p=4191 For many couples in a troubled marriage, their first stop is marital therapy. In fact, for many, it is almost an instinctive reaction.  Marriage problem?  Head for therapy. How do I know? Because I hear from them... when therapy fails.  Which is, unfortunately, fairly often. Why? In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I give you a little "inside information" on the factors that determine success or failure in marriage therapy. Since I was trained as a marriage therapist, I have long been observing the profession.  I stepped away and shifted to relationship coaching some years ago.  But I still have my finger on the pulse of this profession. So, let's talk about what leads to success... and what leads to failure, when you head to marital therapy. Just so you know.... Listen below.   RELATED RESOURCES: Top 10 Myths of Marital Therapy What Your Therapist WON'T Tell You Why Is It "Therapy or Bust"? Save The Marriage System Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. 512 512 What Makes Marital Therapy Succeed or Fail?? The Factors full 18:57 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/2024/06/force-connection-2/ Wed, 12 Jun 2024 10:30:18 +0000 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/?p=4187 Surely you can convince your spouse to work on your marriage… right?  Yes, your marriage is in crisis.  But if you say the right thing… or say it in the right way… or convince, beg, cajole, argue, and somehow shift their thinking, then you can save your marriage.  Right? Not so fast. Usually, all of the above leads to more resistance.  Not less.  It does not lead to connection and healing, but more stand-off.  More insistence that nothing can be done.  That the marriage is beyond repair.  And that the only solution is dissolution. So, if begging, arguing, convincing, and cajoling won’t work, what will? In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, we explore the concept of force, and how to shift it toward your goal of saving your marriage. Listen below. RELATED RESOURCES Don’t Convince Working on Connection Book:  Beyond The 3 Barriers Book:  How To Save Your Marriage In 3 Simple Steps Save The Marriage System Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. 511 511 Force Connection?? full 29:03 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/2024/06/i-cant/ Wed, 05 Jun 2024 10:30:39 +0000 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/?p=4182 On a regular basis (meaning, several times each week), I have a discussion with a client that ends in the client saying, "I can't...."  Yes, they finish the sentence in many ways.  But the start of the sentence is my focus:  "I can't." I have a colleague that responds to clients who say, "I can't," with "You can."  That doesn't quite get there, though.  At least for me, I don't think that is the whole answer. Over the years, I noticed that "can't" is far more complex than we notice. You may have heard that in other languages, there are multiple words to describe what another language would only have as a single word.  For instance, the Greek language has multiple words to say, "love."  And at least in lore, there are many words in Inuit to say, "snow." There should be, in my opinion, multiple words for "can't."  But here we are, often with conversations ending with "I can't." So, I will take it further.  In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I note four different "can'ts."  One really, truly, is. One is really, truly, NOT. And the other two, you have to work through. If you find yourself saying, "I can't save my marriage," or "I can't change," or "I can't see a way," you may want to take a listen.  You may be stuck in a "can't" that isn't. Listen below!   RELATED RESOURCES: The Certainty Trap Episode Stuck In Negativity Episode The Connection Compass Articles The Save The Marriage System Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. 510 510 "I Can't"... are you sure?? full https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/2024/05/what-can-you-do-alone/ Wed, 29 May 2024 10:30:01 +0000 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/?p=4177 Can one person save a marriage, even if your spouse doesn’t want it? I do say that my Save The Marriage System can save your marriage, even if only you want it. But what can you really do, if your spouse is checked out and not sure they want to stay married? I answer another listener question in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast. Is it really possible to save a marriage working alone?  This is important because so many people don’t believe there is anything that can be done, once a spouse has checked out.  This is not accurate.  And it means that many people who could save their marriage and rebuild, don’t.  They walk away in defeat. So, what CAN you do?  First, I tackle what you CAN’T do.  Then, we turn our attention to what CAN be done, even if it is only you interested (right now). Listen below. RELATED RESOURCES: Read my article on The Pause Button Marriage Find my book, How To Save Your Marriage In 3 Simple Steps Find my Save The Marriage System Learn more about Connection Learn more about Conflict Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. 509 509 What can you do alone? full 24:55 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/2024/05/caution-open-season-on-your-marriage/ Fri, 24 May 2024 10:30:04 +0000 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/?p=4173 This is a SPECIAL EDITION of the Save The Marriage Podcast! Why?  Because we are on the cusp of an elevated threat to marriages... and it might include your's. There are 3 periods in the year that see a spike in divorce filings and inquiries.  We are facing one right now:  the beginning of summer.  In the States, that is marked by Memorial Day (coming up very quickly).  For other countries, it may be another week or two off.  But we are slip-sliding right toward it. In this audio version of a video training, I tell you why this season is a spike, and what to do so that your marriage is not a casualty (but the time to get started is NOW!). Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. 508 508 CAUTION: Open Season on Your Marriage full 16:23 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/2024/05/waking-up-crisis/ Thu, 23 May 2024 10:30:11 +0000 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/?p=4169 In my Save The Marriage System Quick-Start Guide, I show the 8 distinct stages of a marriage crisis. But those are the stages of the crisis.  There are also stages to your awareness of the crisis. This is the point where you are aware of the crisis, the level of the crisis, and the potential threat of the crisis.  And just to let you know:  you are NOT at stage 1.  That would be Asleep.  This is the point when you are not even aware that things are in trouble.  You are blissfully unaware of — or choosing to not notice — the looming marriage crisis that is already underway. But then you wake up to find yourself in the midst of a troubled relationship, a hurting marriage! Your spouse may be further along the process, and your marriage may be further along the progression of the crisis.  That is independent of your own awareness of the crisis. In this episode of the marriage crisis, I discuss the 4 stages of crisis awareness, and the 1 thing you need to do — along with some thoughts on how to/how NOT to do that very thing. Listen in below. RELATED RESOURCES FACT of the Crisis Can The Marriage Be Saved? Why It Matters Happy or Hurting? Save The Marriage System Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. 507 507 Waking Up to the Crisis full 21:07 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/2024/05/chaser-or-spacer/ Wed, 15 May 2024 10:30:06 +0000 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/?p=4164 There is a better than 80% chance that, at this moment, you are a Chaser.  In doing a little informal research, I noticed that about 90% of the people who read my articles, listen to my podcast, read my b0oks, or use my System, are chasing right now. Why?  Because right now, their spouse (and likely, your spouse) is being a Spacer.  The Chaser/Spacer pattern can vary over time -- who is doing which, how fast both are moving, and what the distance looks like.  Sometimes, couple switch roles.  Usually, because the Chaser gives up and becomes the Spacer, causing the Spacer to suddenly shift to being the Chaser. There HAS to be a better way... right? Right?? Why yes, yes there is.  So glad you asked! In this podcast, I tell you about the Chaser/Spacer roles, how they come to be, why the are so problematic, and why they don't have to be permanent roles or patterns.  We unwind it. And I tell you about the better role. Listen below to discover how to stop being the Chaser or Spacer... and what to do, instead!   RELATED RESOURCES: Why Connection Matters What Space Means The Save The Marriage System Chaser, Spacer, Pacer Workbook Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. 506 506 Don't Be a Chaser or a Spacer! full 22:21 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/2024/05/the-path-to-intimacy/ Wed, 08 May 2024 10:30:45 +0000 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/?p=4159 Many people tell me of their desperation to find intimacy -- and their sadness over not having it in their marriage. But is it possible to find that intimacy?  Is there a path to intimacy in your marriage?? There are choices people make... that often lead them away from intimacy -- not toward it!  This isn't on purpose.  They just don't know better. The path to intimacy may not be something you learned -- or even saw in relationships around you! But there IS a path. That path has 4 steps to get there. Unfortunately, many people decide to leave in steps 2 and 3, not realizing just how close they are to intimacy.  True intimacy. In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, we look at the path.  I'll tell you about each of the 4 steps along the path... and how to make a shift toward intimacy... just when you think you've missed it. Yes, you can find intimacy. You just need to know the path to take.  Let's get it covered for you! Listen below.   RELATED RESOURCES Dealing with Conflict 2 Necessary Feelings Marriage and Self-Expansion Save The Marriage System Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. 505 505 The Path to Intimacy full 21:14 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/2024/05/pause-to-panic/ Thu, 02 May 2024 10:30:03 +0000 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/?p=4155 You hit the Pause Button on your marriage.  I get it.  You didn't realize you were doing it, and didn't know it was a problem.  You just thought you were dealing with life -- the kids, a career, activities... life. But while you didn't know it was a problem, it is.  In fact, it is the big reason that marriages get into trouble.  Yes, there are lots of symptoms of the problem.  The underlying problem, though, is disconnection... from hitting the Pause. Relationships don't go into suspended animation, just awaiting re-animation.  Nope, they are either growing or receding.  And a paused relationship is receding. Then, suddenly, you realize there is a problem.  It was brewing for awhile.  But since you were disconnected, you missed the signs.  Until it was a crisis. And then, you go from Pause Button to Panic Button. Now, you have to deal with both the paused marriage and the panic problem.  You have to find a way to heal the disconnection AND deal with the crisis. How do you do it? We talk about it on this week's episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast.  You can listen below.   RELATED RESOURCES Why Pause Is A Problem The 7 Stages of Disconnection Healing Disconnection Save The Marriage System Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. 504 504 From Pause Button to Panic Button full 10:05 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/2024/04/will-not-fix-your-marriage/ Wed, 24 Apr 2024 10:30:36 +0000 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/?p=4150 Yes, this is the #1 thing people request in therapy. And no, fixing it will not fix your marriage. This is part rant, part warning, and part explanation.  Because, communication skills has somehow become a central tenet of hurting marriages.  So, therapists teach them, clients request them, and marriages just don't get better. When I was in training, this somehow became the default approach, even after all the theory and explanations of problems in a marriage.  Lots of very convoluted, confusing theories were proposed, and then, the treatment? Teach communication skills! Which is probably why marriage therapy has such abysmal results.  When you look at the actual research, 50% of marriages that seek therapy still end up divorced.  Pretty much the overall national average for any marriage.  And only 10 to 15% of couples report any improvement.  Let me say that again:  any improvement. Why?  Well there are multiple issues (I discuss them right here) behind this.  But a big reason is this emphasis on communication skills.  And yet, when I am meeting with a couple, almost always, I understand everything they are saying.  And they seem to understand each other!  That is not the issue. In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I tell you why this isn't going to save your marriage, and how to make a shift to what can. Listen below!   RELATED RESOURCES: Podcast:  3 Problems with Therapy Substack:  The Connection Compass Program:  The Save The Marriage System Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. 503 503 No, This Won't Fix Your Marriage full 21:52 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/2024/04/dealing-with-an-indifferent-spouse/ Wed, 03 Apr 2024 10:30:00 +0000 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/?p=4145 For awhile, I have been answering listener-submitted questions, and continue to do so in this episode (if YOU want to ask a question, send it to podcast@savethemarriage.com). This week, I respond to a couple of questions about a spouse's indifference and/or resistance to attempts at connection. It can be frustrating when you so desperately want to rebuild a marriage.  Maybe your spouse claims to want the same.  Maybe your spouse just doesn't respond much at all.  A little conversation... that goes nowhere.  Or attempts at conversation... that go nowhere.  It can feel frustrating and defeating. How should you understand the situation? What can you do about it? Can you make progress? We discuss these questions (and more) in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast.  Listen below. RELATED RESOURCES 3 Step Process 3 C's of Doing It Importance of Connection When Spouse Can't See A Way Resentment and Anger Save The Marriage System The Connection Compass Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. 503 503 Dealing With an Indifferent Spouse full 27:07 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/2024/03/3-failpoints-you-face/ Wed, 27 Mar 2024 10:30:45 +0000 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/?p=4141 Where could your efforts fail? Those are the failpoints. They can trip you up and make you think nothing will work in your efforts. But let me be clear.  They are potential failpoints. They are not inevitable. Failpoints, in engineering, is caused by stress on a particular point. In machines, a particular piece is stressed long enough that it finally gives. It breaks. In marriage, there are also potential failpoints -- caused by stressors on different points in the relationship. In this episode, I cover the three big failpoints that you face in your efforts... along with me talking about how to avoid the failpoints.   RELATED RESOURCES My new resource, The Connection Compass My Save The Marriage System Podcast episode: 3 Reasons Your Efforts May Fail Podcast Episode: 4 Failing Fears   Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. 501 501 3 Failpoints You Face full 17:13 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/2024/03/milestones-and-markers/ Thu, 21 Mar 2024 10:30:03 +0000 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/?p=4136 When I started this podcast over 10 years ago, I wondered how far we would go. Well, here we are on episode 500, with over 5.25 million downloads to far. And at the same time, I celebrate 58 years on earth. A couple of milestones I wanted to mark, for sure! Which raises the question from a listener, on what I have learned in life. I’ll share 5 big things I’ve learned in my trips around the sun. But before I get there, I thought I'd tell you how I got here:  500 episodes of the podcast, a number of books and online courses, and lots of coaching.  How did I end up in this world, in this profession? And why do I keep at it?  I have long said that my job was to put myself out of business.  It won't happen.  But that is always my goal.  Until then, I'll keep showing up to help people build better marriages and have better lives. Thank YOU for being part of this journey!   RELATED RESOURCES: My Save The Marriage System My New Training Resource, The Connection Compass My Books The Husband Bootcamp The Field Guide To Marriage Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. 500 500 Milestones & Markers full 22:25 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/2024/03/the-trick-to-saving-your-marriage/ Wed, 13 Mar 2024 10:30:05 +0000 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/?p=4131 Let's just say that the bumper sticker, "I used to be cool," has nothing to do with me. I was not cool. I was more the nerdy kid. And to be honest, I'm not sure I have really outgrown that. In my teen years, I was a magician. My friends were magicians, jugglers, clowns, ventriloquists, and carneys. I even started a magic club at my high school. And no, the cool kids did not show up for it. Ever. But I will tell you one thing about magic:  it taught me a ton of life lessons... and a ton of psychology! I still recall those lessons to this day. I probably learned more about humans and perception in my performing than I ever did in my psychology courses. I also learned lessons of perseverance and practice. That is the only way to master sleight of hand. I still rely on that to this day. Which is why I am always interested when people ask me about the "trick" to saving their marriage. They want some little technique, some "sleight of mind" that will shift their spouse. But more than that, there are some other lessons from magic that I watch play out. For example, people can come up with the most complex idea about how to do something. They complicate some simple things... in magic tricks and in life. And particularly in marriages. In this Save The Marriage Podcast episode, we discuss the problems people create in their attempts to find the trick to saving their marriage.     RELATED RESOURCES: My new free resource, The Connection Compass My Save The Marriage System My books A training on The Dangers of  the Shortcut Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. 499 499 The Trick to Saving Your Marriage full 19:45 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/2024/03/facing-facts/ Thu, 07 Mar 2024 11:00:07 +0000 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/?p=4127 Sometimes, just a hint or trick will do it.  Maybe you want a trick or hint for an online game.  Or even a trick for a better pancake.  A hint for a better pushup. But hints and tricks won’t work for saving a marriage. Which is what I try to explain when I get the daily emails and voicemails, just asking for a hint or trick.  Nothing wrong with asking.  But the answer is, “you need more than a hint or trick.  You need an approach.  You need a system.” But you also need a starting point, a way to get beyond the stuck point.  Most people just don’t know how to start, so they start with hints and tricks.  And then they realize there is more to this, more to the crisis. When people tell me that they had a great marriage “until a week/month/year/___ time period ago, when ___________ happened,” they are missing that the seeds of the crisis were planted long before. And that is why we need to fix the underlying issues, address the underlying problems, and rebuild in a sustainable way… for a long-term marriage. In this episode of the podcast, I use the acronym from Gay Hendricks of FACT.  We will FACT out your marriage crisis and get you moving forward. Pay attention to the choice of path (3 W’s), and your action plan (3 C’s) in order to make a real shift as you face the FACTs of your crisis. RELATED RESOURCES Connection is Vital You Need a Plan 3 C Approach 3 Levels of Connection Save The Marriage System The Connection Compass   Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. 498 498 Facing FACTs full 22:48 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/2024/02/how-to-get-help-for-your-marriage-and-mistakes-to-avoid/ Wed, 28 Feb 2024 11:00:28 +0000 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/?p=4122 Your marriage is in trouble, and you know you need help. But what type of help?  And how do you know if it is the right help for your marriage?  Tough question.  And I can't answer it. But I can help you get the answer. I created a guide to help you find the best help, whether it is therapy, coaching, a retreat or workshop, or an online course.  I tell you the pros and cons of each, along with the ways to find the right fit for you and your spouse. In this podcast, I do tell you how to grab that resource.  But more importantly, I tell you about four big mistakes people make... even before they get started with getting help.  These mistakes can cost you the possibility of even utilizing help.  At the very least, they make the process more difficult, and they make your spouse even more resistant. Let's cover the mistakes and get my report to you, so that you can find, get, and use the best help in saving your marriage. Listen below. RELATED RESOURCES Are You Helping or Hurting Save The Marriage System The Connection Compass - join for free to get the special report Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. 497 497 How to Get Help for Your Marriage... and Mistakes To Avoid full 14:42 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/2024/02/the-connection-trap/ Wed, 21 Feb 2024 11:30:27 +0000 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/?p=4118 I know. I say it all the time. Connection is crucial -- even critical -- for the health and survival of your marriage. But what if there is a trap... a Connection Trap? Guess what? There IS! On this week's podcast, I answer "D's" question about their stuck place. She names what she thinks are the 3 C's that must be there for a strong marriage. She names Commitment, Connectivity, and Chemistry. Those aren't bad choices. They just set a trap. A trap I want to warn you about! But first, let me make it clear:  I wholeheartedly agree with commitment.  It is the guiding star for any marriage.  And it is critically important for guidance as you navigate your marriage crisis.  It can keep you pointed toward safe-harbor while you work on healing. The trap, then, is with the other two.  No, I am not against connection (it is at the heart of my approach in my System).  I get concerned with how people expect connection to work.  And that is the trap.  Chemistry is another complicator to the trap. Listen in below as I discuss The Connection Trap. RELATED RESOURCES Healing Disconnection -- Resources to Help "Space" and Connection The Connection Principle The Save The Marriage System Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. 496 496 The Connection Trap full 20:58 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/2024/02/the-pause-problem/ Wed, 14 Feb 2024 11:00:46 +0000 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/?p=4113 The Pause Button.  You didn't know you hit it.  But you probably did. "We'll get back to each other after the kids/ promotion/ travels/ hobbies/ events/ friends... (well, you get the idea)." AFTER life, we will get back to love. There is only one problem.  Relationships are either growing or receding, strengthening or weakening. There IS no pause. When you hit the Pause-Button, you are... even without realizing it... choosing the path of disconnection. Then, when you go to UN-pause, you look at each other, strangers.  Disconnected. In this episode of the podcast, I tell you why pause is such a problem, and point you to a path back. RELATED RESOURCES The Pause Button Marriage Connection in Marriage Surviving Disconnection Communication in Marriage Save The Marriage System Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. 495 495 The Pause Problem full 20:41 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/2024/01/7-complicators-to-your-efforts-to-save-your-marriage/ Wed, 24 Jan 2024 11:00:06 +0000 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/?p=4108 Saving your marriage is important. But not always easy. Isn't that a truth in life, though? What is easy is rarely important. And what is important is worth the effort. There are some things that can make your process of saving your marriage a bit more complicated though. Not impossible. Just more complicated. While there are others, I cover seven different complicators in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast.  If you feel stuck, you may want to see if one of these complicators is tripping you up... and what to do about it! Listen below. RELATED RESOURCES: Stops Along The Way to Divorce Why Connection is So Important Can It Even Be Saved? The Save The Marriage System Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. 494 494 7 Complicators to Your Efforts to Save Your Marriage full 23:21 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/2024/01/dealing-with-depression-and-a-marriage-crisis/ Wed, 17 Jan 2024 11:00:15 +0000 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/?p=4103 Many people are struggling with depression.  And they find themselves in the midst of a marriage crisis. So, what does depression mean for those situations? How does depression affects a marriage.  Does depression cause a crisis? Or do people get depressed because of the crisis?  Or... and this is more central to the question... how do you deal with depression and a marriage crisis? Depression is a reality for many people.  And depression is a part of a marriage crisis many times. The question is how you move through both crises:  depression and a marriage crisis. In this podcast, I discuss the effects of depression, some thoughts about causation, and how to deal with the depression while addressing the relationship crisis. RELATED RESOURCES Beat Depression Series Showing Up In Marriage Connection in Marriage Save The Marriage System Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. 493 493 Dealing with Depression and a Marriage Crisis full 27:33 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/2023/12/the-ghosts-of-your-relationship-past/ Wed, 20 Dec 2023 11:00:29 +0000 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/?p=4095 Do you settle down with a good book you have read over and over this time of year?  I read my kids the exact same Christmas book every single year.  And many years, I re-read a classic for myself… like A Christmas Carol.  This year, I offer you a redux of a prior podcast episode… about the Ghosts of Your Relationship Past.  Yep.  Christmas, with new opportunities.  Here it is: Christmas Eve.  Chris and Holly have settled into bed.  Neither can sleep.  It is not, however, sugarplums dancing in their heads. Both are replaying the arguments and hurts of the past.  Neither feels connected, although both are desperate for that warm embrace each used to treasure. What happened?  Where did their relationship fall into trouble? Can they find their way back? But first, they have to make it through a night of haunts, as the Ghosts of Relationship Past visit them this night. Are they the same ghosts that haunt your relationship?  Is there a path through the pain? Listen in as Chris and Holly face the hauntings of their relationship. Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. 492 492 The Ghosts of Your Relationship Past full 14:28 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/2023/12/stuck-in-the-negative/ Wed, 13 Dec 2023 11:00:09 +0000 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/?p=4093 Several podcast listeners have asked why a spouse only remembers the negative, or only dwells on the negative.  Why don't they remember the good times or see the good things? Why does it feel like they only see the negative? Over the years, I have noticed this as a recurring and common issue in your efforts to save your marriage.  A spouse's thoughts just stay on the negative.  Maybe thinking about what is going on now or remembering what happened then.  (Memories are just current thoughts about past events -- not accurate representations of the past.) Since this is such a common phenomenon, I thought it might be good to cover it in a podcast episode. If your spouse is stuck in the negative (or you find yourself stuck in the negative), let's look at the reasons it happens... and what you can do about it! RELATED RESOURCES Book:  How To Save Your Marriage in 3 Simple Steps (I have a chapter on changing limiting beliefs) How's Your Attitude? Hope and Stockdale Paradox Where To Focus "The Last Straw" Going Pro Program: Save The Marriage Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. 491 491 Stuck in the Negative full 23:06 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/2023/12/dealing-with-disrespect-and-boundaries/ Wed, 06 Dec 2023 11:00:22 +0000 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/?p=4084 "A" has been trying to set boundaries with her husband.  Trying to get the treatment she deserves.  Trying to get the relationship to a healthy spot. But then, her spouse throws a little shade her way... rolling eyes, using a demeaning tone.  What should she do to set a boundary on that?, she asks In this case, A has a good hold on what to do when, say, her spouse raises his voice or calls her names.  But what about those less-clear actions -- using a "you're so stupid" tone (note that this requires you to read a tone... not always a good thing to try). Sometimes, boundaries are clear.  You know how to set them.  I even have a whole chapter on it in the primary module of Save The Marriage System. But when it is more subtle... a little harder to pin down.  And a little harder to call someone on.  What about that? I cover it in this week's Save The Marriage Podcast.  Listen below. RELATED RESOURCES Setting Boundaries Boundaries and Control Healing Hurt Expectations and Agreements Conflict Save The Marriage System   Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. 490 490 Dealing with Disrespect and Boundaries full 21:46 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/2023/11/why-you-cant-force-connection/ Wed, 29 Nov 2023 11:00:38 +0000 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/?p=4075 Surely you can convince your spouse to work on your marriage… right?  Yes, your marriage is in crisis.  But if you say the right thing… or say it in the right way… or convince, beg, cajole, argue, and somehow shift their thinking, then you can save your marriage.  Right? Not so fast. Usually, all of the above leads to more resistance.  Not less.  It does not lead to connection and healing, but more stand-off.  More insistence that nothing can be done.  That the marriage is beyond repair.  And that the only solution is dissolution. So, if begging, arguing, convincing, and cajoling won’t work, what will? In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, we explore the concept of force, and how to shift it toward your goal of saving your marriage. Listen below. RELATED RESOURCES Don’t Convince Working on Connection Book:  Beyond The 3 Barriers Book:  How To Save Your Marriage In 3 Simple Steps Save The Marriage System Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. 489 489 Why You Can't Force Connection full 29:03 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/2023/11/dealing-with-heavy-holiday/ Tue, 21 Nov 2023 11:00:44 +0000 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/?p=4064 When life is hard, Holidays can feel heavy.  When there is a marriage crisis, it can be tough to muster the energy to even move forward — especially when all the commercials and movies push the “merry and bright” of a mythic holiday. And here we are, on the cusp of the Holiday season!  It cuts across nations and beliefs.  The season is here. A client recently told me, “I just want to crawl into bed and get up on January 2nd." What a loss!  No chance to find the deeper meaning of the Holidays.  No chance at connection, re-connection, and healing. Her real desire was to avoid pain.  But her solution did more than avoiding pain.  It avoided life, and all it offered. My suggestion:  deal with the heavy Holidays in a way that brings depth, connection, and healing, by engaging in the holiday. I have 5 suggestions on dealing with Holidays in the midst of a marriage crisis.  Listen below. RELATED RESOURCES Gratitude and Marriage How Gratitude Can Transform Your Marriage Ghosts of Marriage Past Holidays and Marriage Save The Marriage System Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. 488 488 Dealing with a Heavy Holiday -- in the midst of a marriage crisis full 16:11 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/2023/11/how-the-created-past-hurts-your-marriage/ Wed, 15 Nov 2023 11:00:38 +0000 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/?p=4055 Sounds so philosophical, doesn't it?  Your "created past."  What is that? We all do it.  We remember things based on our emotional state, not on what happened. When someone hurts us, we think back on the other times they hurt us.  When someone is kind and loving, we think back on the other loving times. When a couple is connected, they remember connection.  When they are disconnected, they remember disconnection. We rewrite the past, based on the present situation.  Usually, we just think about how the past led to the present. But where we are forms what we think about where we have been. If you are wondering why your spouse can't remember the happier times, can't remember the passion, can't remember the connection, this is it.  The memories are being selected and created based on the current pain and disconnection. Let's talk more about this in the podcast below. RELATED RESOURCES: Connection And Marriage Perceptions In Marriage Fears In Marriage Restore Your Marriage Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. 487 487 How the Created Past Hurts Your Marriage full 17:36 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/2023/11/are-things-improving-how-do-you-know/ Wed, 08 Nov 2023 11:00:39 +0000 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/?p=4050 Phil asked, "How do you know you are making progress?"  And perhaps fearing that the signs point the other way, he also asked, "how long is long enough to be trying before it is unhealthy for me." Those are two great, if somewhat polarized, questions.  They point to fears of not being able to save a relationship.  What to look for?  And what to do if those signs are not there? This can be a bit like staring into the crystal ball... or asking the magic mirror.  But these are such important questions that I wanted to answer Phil's questions... at least as much as I can.  There are lots of dynamics and subtleties to a marriage and a spouse, it can be hard to be precise. But I want to discuss some signs to look for, both in when there is progress and when it is becoming unhealthy. Listen in for details in this episode of the podcast. RELATED RESOURCES Confusion or Connection Showing Up Having a Plan Spouse Is NOT The Enemy Save The Marriage System to Guide You Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. 486 486 Are things improving?? How can you tell?? full 22:42 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/2023/10/take-these-3-steps-to-save-your-marriage/ Mon, 30 Oct 2023 20:24:21 +0000 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/?p=4046 You want to save your marriage (or you wouldn't be here, right??). But you may not know what to do. Most people don't. I mean, let's face it:  most people don't do a lot to prepare to be married.  Maybe a little pre-marital counseling.  Perhaps a weekend event.  Or maybe you read a book.  But that doesn't really cut it, does it?  Most people find that out when they hit a problem. They often discover that they didn't really understand how to have a good marriage, much less how to fix a hurting marriage.  But we can change that! In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I tell you 3 steps you can take, with or without your spouse's involvement, that can start the process to saving and restoring your marriage. No, they aren't hard, nor complicated.  They are, however, important.  So listen in and take action. Listen below.   RELATED RESOURCES: Why Communication Isn't The Issue Why Connection Matters How Therapy Can Cause MORE Problems Why You Need A Plan Here is the Save The Marriage System Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. 485 485 Take These 3 Steps To Save Your Marriage full 17:03 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/2023/10/why-your-spouse-cant-see-a-way-forward/ Thu, 12 Oct 2023 10:00:40 +0000 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/?p=4041 We all have limiting beliefs.  You... me... and your spouse!  I always work to change my limiting beliefs.  You are probably doing the same.  But you can't just change your spouse's limiting beliefs! What is a limiting belief?  It is a mostly-FALSE belief.  But more than that, it is one that keeps you stuck... unable to see bigger possibilities.  Potentials for change. Mostly, limiting beliefs are about what CAN'T happen, what is NOT possible. Even when there are possibilities. Even when things CAN change. If someone can't see a way to move forward, they are unlikely to be willing to try to move forward.  So, they stay stuck.  And if it is a spouse who can't see forward on saving your marriage, it can keep YOU stuck, too! In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I discuss what to do when your spouse's belief is "if a marriage was meant to be, it would be easy."  I also address several other false/limiting beliefs... and what to do about them. Listen in below. RELATED RESOURCES Survival Series What Happy Couples Know Showing Up Save The Marriage System   Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. 484 484 When Your Spouse Can't See A Way Forward -- Why full 22:37 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/2023/10/the-road-to-divorce-8-stops/ Wed, 04 Oct 2023 10:00:33 +0000 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/?p=4036 Just to be clear, people don't simply end up divorced.  They don't go from a loving, connected marriage to a painful, hurting divorce.  There are some stops along the way. As people progress along the path to divorce, they have some options along the way, to either take the off-ramp or jump back on the road.  And the further along the road they go, the harder it is to turn around, to turn back toward the marriage. But what if I were to tell you that even at the last stop, things can still turn around?  You can still turn things around. More than that, what if I told you about those 8 stops along the way?  Because most people aren't even aware that they have blown through the first one, two, or even three, without even realizing it! In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I tell you about each stop... and the options of the off-ramp.  Tune in to hear and to find where you are. Listen below. RELATED RESOURCES: 7 Stages of Disconnection The Pause Button Marriage Why Connection Matters Grab the Save The Marriage System Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. 483 483 The Road to Divorce: 8 Stops full 18:54 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/2023/09/the-7-stages-of-disconnection/ Wed, 27 Sep 2023 10:00:49 +0000 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/?p=4031 The shift from connection to disconnection happens when people (inadvertently) hit the Pause Button on their marriage. It isn't ill-intended. It usually just happens in the busyness of life. Still, relationships, in general (and marriages, in particular), do not do well being paused. Because they don't "pause." They atrophy and recede. (SEE MY PODCAST ON THIS RIGHT HERE) But being simply disconnected is not the end of the story. It is actually the beginning of the arc of disconnection.  And yes, it is on the other side of the arc of connection. Unfortunately, this arc tends downward, with accelerating speed and momentum.  It is painful, frustrating, and ever-more difficult to turn around.  Can you turn it around?  Yes.  It just takes more time, effort, and resources, as it approaches the end. And just how many stops are there on the arc of disconnection? I highlight 7 in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast. This episode is the audio from a recent video I released.  (If you would rather see the video, you can GO HERE to watch.) I reveal each of the 7 stages of disconnection, the dangers of each, and how to make a shift away from the stages.  If your marriage is stuck in disconnect, listen in to discover your stage, and the off-ramp that heads back to connection. Listen below. RELATED RESOURCES The Pause Button Marriage You are a Team Resources to help heal Disconnection Save The Marriage System Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. 482 482 The 7 Stages of Disconnection full 20:24 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/2023/09/why-arent-getting-started/ Wed, 20 Sep 2023 10:00:26 +0000 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/?p=4026 Many people tell me how they WANT to save their marriage (they really, really do), but they aren't DOING it.  They can't seem to get started with their efforts.  Yes, they know the clock is ticking.  Yes, they know it is important.  But getting started... doesn't happen IF someone WANTS to save their marriage, then WHY CAN’T THEY GET STARTED? There are several typical reasons why people get stuck and can’t get started.  And there are some issues beneath these reasons that must be addressed, one way or the other. I cover the problems and issues in this week’s Save The Marriage Podcast. RELATED RESOURCES "Can I Even Save My Marriage?” “What If I Can’t Save It?" Why Does It Matter? Working on It Alone Healing Your Anger Save The Marriage System Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. 481 481 Why You Aren't Getting Started full 20:32 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/2023/08/are-you-showing-up/ Wed, 16 Aug 2023 10:00:20 +0000 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/?p=4021 We all "show ourselves" in our interactions with others.  Sometimes, we truly Show Up, bringing our best self to the relationship. Other times, we bring an angry/resentful presence to the table.  Other times, it might be a cold/distant presence.  And still other times, it might be a needy/desperate presence. As you may have guessed, an angry or distant or needy presence rarely serves the relationship or the improvement of a relationship. Maybe you think you are just responding to what is coming your way... that you are just following your spouse's lead... or the lead of the world around you. But we all get to choose how we will Show Up. We get to choose how we want to be, who we want to be, in all of our relationships.  We don't have to leave it to reaction or fear, resentment or hurt.  We can choose how and who we will be in life. How do YOU Show Up? Listen for how to Show Up the way you want to! RELATED RESOURCES 3 C's of Saving a Marriage Forgiveness and Marriage Apologies and Marriage How To Really Show Up Grab The Save The Marriage System Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. 479 479 Are You Showing Up? full 21:46 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/2023/07/when-your-spouse-has-lost-hope/ Wed, 19 Jul 2023 10:00:15 +0000 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/?p=4016 Has your spouse lost hope in your marriage's future? You want a warm and loving relationship, but it has had a rough patch.  You see a way forward, but your spouse can't see it.  If that is the case, then you need a way forward.  The first stop is dealing with the hopelessness. How important is it? Incredibly important!  Humans do not do well with feeling hopeless.  Any bit of hope helps us to move forward.  But when we lose all hope, we lose our way.  We give up.  We wander around.  And we deepen the crisis. What do you do about the hopelessness?  How do you avoid falling into it? On this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I cover what to do when a spouse loses hope.  We discuss what hope is, how to recover hope, and how to stay hopeful yourself. (This is the audio version of a video you can see RIGHT HERE.)   RELATED RESOURCES Hope vs. Hopelessness Crisis Clarity Book:  Beyond the 3 Barriers Save The Marriage System Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. 478 478 When Your Spouse Has Lost Hope full 24:33 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/2023/07/the-perception-connection-trap/ Wed, 12 Jul 2023 10:00:31 +0000 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/?p=4011 It is not about "communication," no matter what you hear (from friends or a therapist).  Most people communicate just fine.  They have another issue:  perception.  How they perceive each other, that is the bigger issue. And then the trap is laid. Perception and connection.  They create a downward spiral (unless you escape it) that traps you into a fall into disconnection. I call it the Perception/Connection Trap.  You have perceptions of each other (that are always at least partly fictional), and you have some level of connection.  When your perceptions of each other are poor (negative), your connection begins to falter.  When you are feeling disconnection, your perceptions grow more negative.  Which leads to further disconnection.  Which leads to further negative perceptions. The spiral downward. The bad news is this pattern traps many couples into a painful marriage crisis. The good news is that you can escape the Perception/Connection Trap.  And the great news is that you can use the reverse of the cycle to re-grow the connection and the relationship. Learn how in this week's podcast trying (and if you find it helpful, please use the SHARE buttons below). RELATED RESOURCES Connection Tools & Resources Happy Couples Do Differently:  Connection 7 Stages of Disconnection 5 Communication Errors You May Be Making Why We Don't Change (And How To) Save The Marriage System Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. 477 477 The Perception/Connection Trap full 25:56 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/2023/07/apology-forgiving/ Wed, 05 Jul 2023 10:00:00 +0000 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/?p=4007 We all have hurts from close relationships -- and especially in marriages.  It is impossible to be in such an intimate relationship and not bump into each other (in hurtful ways) over and over.  The problem is when the hurts don't heal. Bumps, they happen.  Continued pain and hurt from the bumps, that doesn't have to happen. Yet, many times, I watch couples dragging the hurts around for way to long.  Weeks, months, even years.  Not noticing the damage that is happening to the relationship along the way. There are two parts to the process of healing:  apology and forgiving.  But, and this is important, they are not dependent upon each other.  They are separate.  Sometimes, people lump them together.  And while they are related, one does not link to the other. You may apologize and the other person, for example, may not forgive you.  Likewise, the other person may not apologize, and yet you still choose to forgive. Let's talk about each of these processes and why they are not related... and why that is important.  Listen below. RELATED RESOURCES Hurt and Blame How Hurt Keeps You Stuck Book: The Forgive Process Anatomy Of An Apology Why To Forgive Save The Marriage System VIP Virtual Coaching Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. 476 476 Apology ≠ Forgiving full 20:37 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/2023/06/the-blame-shame-trap/ Wed, 28 Jun 2023 10:00:37 +0000 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/?p=4003 Do you ever feel like you are dancing with your spouse... and not a fun dance?? Most of the time, couples get into habits.  They both know the steps, and they just keep going through them, 1-2-3, 1-2-3, 1-2-3.... No, the dances aren't particularly helpful.  And yes, we keep dancing them, anyway! One dance that many couples fall into is the Anger-Blame-Shame 3-step.  And that particular dance?  It keeps on repeating.  Except that the anger grows.  So does the blaming. And so does the feeling of shame!  "Why can't I/we figure this out?", they wonder. And then, they dance it again. How can you stop the dance?  How can you find better steps?  Better ways of moving through life? That is the topic of this podcast episode (listen below).  I tell you about those dance steps and why we do them... along with how to make a shift. RELATED RESOURCES Show Up Anger and Resentment (Yours) Anger and Resentment (Your Spouse's) Stepping Up The Save The Marriage System Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. 475 475 The Blame - Shame Trap full 26:52 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/2023/05/derailed-why-and-what-to-do/ Wed, 31 May 2023 10:00:16 +0000 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/?p=4000 When a marriage crisis hits, people kick into gear!  They dig in and work on their relationship. Many times, they start to see results.  Things are turning for the better.  The relationship is warming.  Things aren't quite so hostile. But then.... They get derailed.  Thrown off-course.  Lost in the crisis. Not surprisingly, any gains made are quickly lost.  Things become even more tense and fractured. Why did they get derailed?  Four reasons:  Distracted, Distanced, Doubtful, and Discouraged. I go into each of these... as well as how to avoid falling into the trap and getting derailed... in this week's Save The Marriage Podcast.  You can listen below. RELATED RESOURCES You Need A Plan Can Your Marriage Be Saved? When Is It Too Late? Your Fail Points Book:  The Marriage Fail Point Save The Marriage System Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. 474 474 Derailed? Why and what to do... full 22:08 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/2023/05/saving-your-marriage-2-dangerous-approaches/ Wed, 17 May 2023 10:00:50 +0000 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/?p=3997 I just googled, “how to save your marriage.”  There were 607,000,000.  Over 1/2 a billion results! How do you sort through them?  How do you find a real approach, from someone who knows what they are doing? It’s like looking for a needle in a haystack. And the problem is, some approaches do more harm than good.  And many times, you don’t even know who it is that is giving you the information.  What are their qualifications?  How do they even approach it? I started my website in 1999 (THAT makes me feel old! — so last century!), before Google even existed.  And to be honest, there weren’t many places to look for stuff.  I remember when Google started.  That same search, “how to save your marriage,” might get a couple hundred results.  Still a lot. But far more manageable. With all that info, you are likely to feel overwhelm.  Which means that some people will do absolutely nothing, not sure where to start.  Others will try to do absolutely everything… also not sure where to start, but thinking everything is better than nothing.  And others will stumble upon approaches that do more harm than good.  There are two that are particularly prevalent.  And at best, not helpful. In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I give you 3 criteria to use in judging any information, and I dismantle 2 common (and dangerous) approaches to “saving” your marriage. Listen below. RELATED RESOURCES Reverse Psychology as an Approach No Contact is Crap Why I STILL Believe in Marriage Why I do this Work Therapy Problems Save The Marriage System Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. 473 473 Saving Your Marriage - 2 Dangerous Approaches full 22:48 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/2023/04/changing-and-proving-it/ Wed, 26 Apr 2023 10:00:17 +0000 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/?p=3993 Things hit a bad spot in your marriage… and your spouse isn’t sure about staying or leaving the marriage.  Sure, it may have been a relationship issue, but you may be feeling blamed. It’s pretty common to go looking for the “bad guy” in any situation.  And even if both of you are in pain and frustrated, you may be wanting to stay.  While you may be able to point to things your spouse needs to change, you can probably see that approach is unlikely to get you very far. And noting the relationship problems?  That might “fall on deaf ears,” too. Which means you may just be catching the blame. And maybe you even agree with the critiques aimed your way.  Maybe you even agree that there are some changes you need to make. Now what? Yes, you absolutely want to make the changes. Maybe to prove you can.  Maybe because you know you would be a better person for having changed. Here is the problem:  Change is hard, and rarely straightforward.  When we make any significant changes in life, we are highly unlikely to hit 100% success.  Every now and then, you are likely to fall short.  You are likely to drift back into old habits, old actions, old responses. That doesn’t mean you have failed.  Only that change is often a journey. But those slips?  They will absolutely be seen as failures by a suspicious spouse who is not trusting the changes (or even your capacity to change). And that is the problem with change. In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I cover some questions about this that were submitted by listeners.  Take a listen below! RELATED RESOURCES: We Change When We Change When Your Spouse Doesn’t Believe “I’ve Changed” and Other Things Not To Say Why Your Spouse Doesn’t See The Change Responsibility Formula Save The Marriage System   Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. 472 472 Changing... and proving it full 27:44 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/2023/04/finding-the-energy-to-continue/ Wed, 12 Apr 2023 11:00:52 +0000 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/?p=3986 “I’m just out of energy,” she told me, “I don’t think I can even try to save my marriage.  Besides, what is the point?" Let’s face it:  right now, many people are feeling exhausted and drained.  And working to save a marriage can be tiring when the world is rightside-up.  Much less when everything feels upside down! Many people feel pulled in so many questions… but when something is important… as important as marriage… why does it get shifted down?  Relegated to the “left over energy,” if there is any? There are some underlying reasons why it may feel like there is no more energy… and it isn’t really about not having energy. More importantly, there are some things you can do to do an “energy reset.”  Make a shift… then save your marriage. I cover the underlying issues and the way to solve them in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast.  Listen below. RELATED RESOURCES Self-Care Series Dealing with Fear Having a Plan Simplify your Efforts Save The Marriage System Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. 471 471 Finding the Energy to Continue full 26:41 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/2023/03/i-need-space-thats-tough/ Wed, 29 Mar 2023 10:00:26 +0000 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/?p=3981 So many marital crises start with this phrase, "I'm not happy."  In panic mode, a spouse reacts and things get worse. The next step is often, "I need space."  But that is even scarier!  And in panic mode, a spouse reacts and things get worse. Maybe an in-house separation.  Maybe a full separation.  Emotional separation becomes physical separation. All from a spouse stating an emotional state of concern:  "I'm not happy." One part of dealing with a marital crisis is dealing with "emotional space."  It is crucial to understand emotional space. In this podcast episode, I want to discuss why that emotional space is so difficult to manage.  Why do people get sucked into taking actions that cause more issues?  Why do people find it so hard to give a spouse that requested "space"? We discuss why "space" is so hard on this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast.  Listen below. RELATED RESOURCES Where is the Gap? Fears and Marriage Boundaries in Marriage How To Show Up Save The Marriage System Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. 470 470 "I need space" full 18:07 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/2023/03/enemies-victims-or/ Wed, 22 Mar 2023 10:00:44 +0000 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/?p=3976 Roles.  We all have them.  We all play them. Some are "identity roles."  They identify us in the role.  For example, I am "son," "father," "brother," "husband." Some are "function roles."  They identify what we do.  For example, I am "coach," "therapist," "author," "speaker,"  and "podcaster" (among others).  They tell you what I do, what role I play in life. Then there are "attribution roles."  They try to describe why we do something. And it is in the arena of attribution roles that I want to focus some attention.  Because those attributions, both on ourselves and others, can serve to keep us stuck.  And keep others stuck in the roles we attribute to them. Two very toxic roles are the roles of Enemy and Victim. To be clear, there is a difference between being a victim of some circumstance and playing the role of Victim. And to be crystal clear, no matter what has happened in your marriage to this point, you are NOT Enemies.  That is a role that you may assign.  But it will keep you stuck. Listen in to this podcast episode for more on avoiding these roles... and what to do, instead. RELATED RESOURCES: Being On The Same Team How To Be A WE Dealing With Anger Showing Up Save The Marriage System Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. 469 469 Enemies, Victims, or.... full 25:10 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/2023/03/dragged-under/ Wed, 15 Mar 2023 10:00:19 +0000 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/?p=3972 Every marriage crisis starts as a crisis of an individual.  As it expands into the marriage, the question is whether you, the spouse, will get pulled under by the crisis. Have you ever tried to save a drowning person? This can be kind of like that.  Get too close, and they will drag you under with them.  Their desperation will overcome any sensible decision.  Running purely on terror, they will flail, grab, and pull at anything that is nearby... and anyone. And when someone is in crisis, it can certainly feel like drowning... even with no water (other than tears).  The desperation is there.  The flailing is there.  And if you aren't careful, you can get pulled under. One person in crisis is enough.  Two people multiples the complications and difficulties in recovering the relationship. Don't allow yourself to get pulled under. In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I discuss 4 rules to keep from getting pulled under. RELATED RESOURCES Your Spouse Is Not The Enemy Conflict In Marriage Control What You Can Save The Marriage System Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. 468 468 Dragged Under full 26:21 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/2023/03/4-failing-fears/ Wed, 01 Mar 2023 11:00:51 +0000 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/?p=3967 You've decided to save your marriage. You start the process, maybe even make some progress. Then, BAM!  You hit a wall. A wall of fear.  Fears that sabotage your efforts, pull you back from your plan, get you to give up. But those fears do not have to be the end of your efforts.  In fact, those fears need not do anything to your efforts.  Fears and actions are not the same.  Fears are fears.  Whenever we base our actions on fears, we give them too much power. When you are working on saving a marriage, there are 4 fears that strike many people... and they may just hit you! And then, you have to decide whether the fears stop your efforts or if they are just "background noise." Which will they be for you? Listen to the podcast episode below. RELATED RESOURCES Relationship Fears 3 C's of Saving A Marriage Why Save It? Facing Fears and Moving Forward Save The Marriage System Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. 467 467 4 Failing Fears full 19:58 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/2023/02/it-isnt-just-about-romance/ Wed, 15 Feb 2023 11:00:46 +0000 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/?p=3962 Since Valentine's Day is passed and the hearts have come down in the stores (except in the clearance area), we can face a reality that confuses many people. “Our marriage is broken,” she told me.  “We don’t have the passion anymore, so I don’t think we should stay married.” Missing passion… is it the end of marriage, or something else? Most relationships are sparked by infatuation.  Call it passion or romance, but the desire to be with that person, that overwhelming attraction, is a building-block for a long-term relationship — including marriage.  It is, though, not the goal. For most, that part of a relationship is a stage.  It naturally cools over time.  This is just the nature of an attraction.  It tempers over time.  Which means that we can get back to the rest of life — the parts of life that get disregarded in the heat of passion. Does that mean you must just let romance and passion fall by the wayside?  Not at all.  You just can’t count on it as the focus. Unfortunately, people often judge a marriage dead because the passion is missing. Also unfortunately, they haven’t nurtured the passion and romance.  The fact that it disappeared is more a reflection of the damaged connection than a sign the marriage was not meant to be, or has irretrievably failed. I discuss the Passion Paradox in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast.  Listen below. RELATED RESOURCES Love Is Not Effortless Does Romance Kill A Relationship? Where DID Those Feelings Go? Save The Marriage System Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. 466 466 It Isn't Just About Romance full 25:01 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/2023/02/is-a-marriage-intensive-for-you/ Wed, 08 Feb 2023 11:00:32 +0000 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/?p=3951 Recently, more and more people have been asking about "Marriage Intensives."  If you aren't familiar, these are often week-end (and sometimes week-long) events with lots and lots of (usually therapy) sessions.  The theory is that an intensive treatment is needed to save a marriage. Often (but not always), they are run by therapists.  Either they come to you or you go to them.  And then, you "hit it hard."  You may do multi-hour, multiple times per day, sessions over the days you spend together. The plan is to send you home, having resolved your issues and all fixed. If that is something you have (or are) considering, please take a listen to the podcast, as I talk through these approaches.  I am hoping I can help you make an informed decision.  And if you have already been to one, listen in to see if you think I am accurate.  I'd love to hear your experience. Listen in below as we discuss whether a marriage intensive is for you.   RELATED RESOURCES The Dangers of Therapy Am I Against Therapy? How to Guarantee Therapy Fails Save The Marriage System Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. 465 465 Is a Marriage Intensive for You? full 22:35 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/2023/02/the-marriage-murdering-myth/ Wed, 01 Feb 2023 11:00:13 +0000 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/?p=3947 There are lots of myths about marriage.  But there is one myth that comes up over and over.  In fact, the trap for this myth is set at the very early stages of every relationship. The question is whether you step into the trap or not.  Will the myth trip you up and start the deterioration of your marriage?  Or a better question:  has it already damaged your marriage? How is the trap set? Think back to the beginning of your relationship.  The early days.  When you were so happy to have found that "one."  Remember how giddy it felt to hear from that special person?  How happy you were to see each other?  How much better life seemed?  It was intoxicating. And plays directly into this myth. This myth is all about marriage and happiness... and the role of a spouse. Listen to this week's podcast to understand this myth... and why it is so dangerous! RELATED RESOURCES: The Goal Of Marriage Being A WE Other Myths of Marriage "I'm Not Happy" Save The Marriage System Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. full 18:40 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/2023/01/sharing-power/ Wed, 18 Jan 2023 11:00:14 +0000 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/?p=3943 It’s a partnership.  Right? Right? Well, in any partnership, there has to be a way to make decisions.  And how a couple makes decisions reveals how they balance power (or don’t balance it). Not every couple will balance it in the same way.  But trouble comes when the two people in the couple are not both in agreement and on-board with how power is shared. Many arguments and disagreements are either fueled by or end in a power struggle. And when decisions are made without a feeling of shared buy-in, those decisions rarely get us anywhere useful. In fact, when one person feels left out of the decision, it is unlikely that the outcome will serve the relationship — if it succeeds at all! So, how DOES a couple share power.  How DOES a couple make decisions that both feel good about? In this episode of the podcast, I discuss how couples can do a better job of sharing power with Dr. Wyatt Fisher.  A Licensed Psychologist, Wyatt draws on his clinical work and his own marriage experience to answer how couples can better manage power in their relationship. Listen in as I pick Wyatt’s brain about couple decision making and power sharing. RELATED RESOURCES: Wyatt’s Website Being a WE Are You a Team? Lee’s System Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. 463 463 Sharing Power full 35:39 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/2023/01/helping-or-hurting/ Wed, 04 Jan 2023 11:00:32 +0000 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/?p=3940 You've been working on saving your marriage... and you aren't seeing the traction you want.  Or maybe is just isn't moving as fast as you would like. Sometimes, it can take more time than you think or want. But are there times that your efforts are doing more harm than good? Are there times you are hurting, not helping, your relationship and your chances at saving it? Yes. There are common situations I see in my coaching, where someone's efforts to save a marriage are actually doing more harm than good.  Interestingly, people make the same mistakes others have made. More interestingly, they are easy to see when they are pointed out.  And more importantly, they can be corrected, once you can see them. So, let's talk about the times when people do more harm than good in their efforts to save a marriage. RELATED RESOURCES Importance of Connection Stop Chasing Apologies and Forgiving You Need A Plan Show Up Save The Marriage System Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. 462 462 Helping or Hurting?? full 21:35 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/2022/12/aha-or-slow/ Wed, 14 Dec 2022 11:00:23 +0000 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/?p=3932 You’ve been following my 4 C’s to work on the 3 C’s of saving your marriage, right?  (Hang with me if that seems like gibberish — just me trying to make it simple.  I explain it in this episode/) Maybe you can see some ground you are gaining, progress you are making. Which may lead you to wonder how this all turns around.  Will it be all-of-the-sudden, in an “aha” moment, or will it be a slow, steady climb to normality and love in the relationship? It is a great question.  And one that “D” sent to me, hoping I would respond on the Save The Marriage Podcast. And I did!  I cover it on this week’s episode. RELATED RESOURCES 3C Approach 4th C Will It Turn Around? Book: How To Save Your Marriage System:  Save The Marriage Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. 461 461 Aha Moment or Slow Turn-Around? full 19:17 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/2022/12/staying-together-for-the-wrong-reasons/ Wed, 07 Dec 2022 11:00:05 +0000 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/?p=3929 I’ve been answering listeners’ questions on the Save The Marriage Podcast.  And in this episode, I pull together a repeating question about “Should we stay together because of this Insert Bad Reason Here?" Several people told me they were still married, just for the sake of the kids.  Several told me that their spouse was still there because they could not afford to separate, much less to divorce.  And some told me they stayed married just to avoid having to hit the dating scene.  And then, there is that anxiety of “what will people think?”  So, they stay together. But is that enough, they ask?  Should they only stay together for these “wrong reasons?" You can make a perspective shift and use those “wrong reasons” to get you to the right place in your relationship. I cover 4 ways to get there in this episode of the podcast. RELATED RESOURCES Connecting Changing Conflict Convincing - don’t! Save The Marriage System   Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. 460 460 Staying Together for the Wrong Reasons?? full 20:24 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/2022/11/your-spouse-is-not/ Wed, 30 Nov 2022 11:00:00 +0000 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/?p=3925 Many times, I have someone telling me what their spouse should be.  How they should act, what they should do… and what they should do, particularly, for the spouse.  Rarely are they telling me what a spouse is, but should be. There is an immediate problem (or a few) right there.  You see, “should” is based in shame and expectation.  And we don’t use it when someone is doing what we want.  It is when they are not. As I have discussed in other episodes, expectations almost always end badly.  It is a dead-end street that does nothing useful for any relationship.  But especially a marriage! I often watch couples (or one spouse) struggle with wanting things a spouse cannot give.  And when that happens, it slowly moves a marriage to hurt, resentment, disappointment, and even disdain. All because of an expectation that can’t be met. In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I look at 5 things a spouse is NOT (and cannot be).  Then, we spend some time discussing what a spouse CAN be (once you get past the disconnection and hurt). Listen below. RELATED RESOURCES Is Your Spouse a Teammate? Are You Living in Expectation? Why Does Connection Matter? Who are YOU for Your Spouse? Do You Need Help? Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. 459 459 Your Spouse Is NOT... full 21:30 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/2022/11/next-phase/ Wed, 16 Nov 2022 11:00:43 +0000 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/?p=3918 Has the crisis in your marriage passed… but you aren’t sure where things are now? Well, that would put you in good company!  I have been asking for listener questions, and noticed this was the theme for quite a few. What’s the theme? The immediate crisis has passed.  The separation or divorce is off the table.  The affair is over.  The spouse has returned to the home or bedroom.  For most, communication was much improved.  For many, lots of things had improved. Several told me how they had used my program and were closer now than ever before. But…. And this is where there is often some diversity of answers.  Things felt stuck/stagnant/in limbo.  Physical contact and connection was still missing.  Trust was still struggling. In other words, they had left the crisis phase of things, but were now in a chronic phase. The marriage was not fixed.  It just was no longer on life-support. So, what now? Well, I discuss it in this episode of the podcast.  You can listen below. RELATED RESOURCES: Crisis and Chronic Dangers of Tea Leaves 3 C’s Approach My Books My Save The Marriage System Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. 458 458 The Next Phase: Chronic or Thriving? full 24:34 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/2022/11/too-toxic-2/ Wed, 09 Nov 2022 11:00:38 +0000 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/?p=3915 You probably know that I'm on the side of your marriage.  I'm all about saving a marriage. But does that mean that EVERY marriage will be saved, or even should be saved? No. First, there are times when BOTH people want to leave the marriage.  At that point, there is nothing that WILL save the marriage.  There has to be energy from AT LEAST one person, in order for anything to change. Second, there are times when the toxicity level is high, creating a toxic situation for the spouses.  In fact, there are 3 times when it MAY be too toxic.  And there is 1 time when it absolutely too toxic to work on the marriage. Let me tell you 5 symptoms of elevated toxicity, 3 times you may need to step back, and 1 time you definitely need to step back from the marriage. RELATED RESOURCES: Domestic Violence Help Anger & Resentment Coping Issues And Marriages Save The Marriage System Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. 457 457 Is It Too Toxic?? full 22:19 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/2022/11/dangers-emotions-decisions/ Wed, 02 Nov 2022 10:00:47 +0000 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/?p=3912 It's a false belief in our culture that we need to "trust our gut" and "follow our emotions."  Emotions change.  Feelings shift.  And we can't even say what our emotions are, much of the time. Sure, you can feel an emotion.  But tell me what it is?  What it means?  Why it is there right now... and might be gone in 5 minutes?  Or tomorrow? Let's be clear:  a hurting marriage is painful.  Conflict is tough.  Not connecting with someone close to you is frustrating.  But does that mean that it is time to give up and walk away?  What if your emotions are all over the place, making you feel like you need to give up and walk away. Is that a reason to give up? Notice:  "feel like" is seen as a "reason." Many people tell me they just need to "follow their emotions."  I remind them that there is a group of people who do this... children -- around 3 years old!  Because they think that the emotion is truth.  They are angry, so they throw a fit.  5 minutes later, the anger is gone, so they are happy to play.  Until the next upheaval. Part of maturity is recognizing that emotions are temporal.  And we don't have to react to an emotion.  We can choose our response. Especially around things like marriage.  Important things. Listen to this podcast episode to learn more. RELATED RESOURCES Anxiety-Anger Anchor "Why Does It Hurt So Much?" Addicted To Blame Expressive Or Avoidant 3 Relationship Killers The Save The Marriage System Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. 456 456 The Dangers of Emotions and Decisions full 19:48 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/2022/10/why-limbo-is-a-lie/ Wed, 26 Oct 2022 10:00:10 +0000 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/?p=3909 Do you feel like you are stuck in limbo?  That crazy spot where you can’t move forward, but aren’t ending things?  Is it a spouse who has you stuck there? Well, that was the situation for “J.”  He wrote me because his spouse could not decide on whether to stay or go, work on things or walk away. He told me he was stuck in Limbo, didn’t know what to do, and didn’t know how to get his spouse to work on the relationship. What should he do?? I respond to J’s question in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast.  And it may just be where you find yourself, too.  Not able to move forward, but not ready to walk away. How do you deal with “Limbo”?  We discuss it.  Listen below. RELATED RESOURCES: 3 C’s of Saving Your Marriage 3 A’s in Your Control 3 Levels of Connection Save The Marriage System Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. 455 455 Why “Limbo” is a Lie full 22:22 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/2022/10/midlife-marriage-crisis-and-connecting/ Wed, 05 Oct 2022 10:00:21 +0000 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/?p=3905 Mid Life Crisis… the butt of many jokes.  And a crisis for many marriages!  I have seen several studies that challenged whether there is such a thing as a mid life crisis.  I don’t find many of my therapist or coach friends wondering that.  We see it every day. And I see the strain a MLC can place on an already-hurting marriage.  If the marriage is disconnected already, a MLC turns into a MLMC (mid life marriage crisis).  Which often leads to compounding issues, like an affair. What can you do, if your spouse is having a mid life crisis?  And what if it is complicated by an affair? In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I discuss what a MLC is, when it can become a MLMC, and what to do in response.  Even if there is an affair. (Why this episode?  Because a listener asked.  If you have a question — a Goldilocks question, as I discuss in the episode — you can send it here.)   RELATED RESOURCES: Mid Life Crisis Series Why Connection is So Important The Pause Button Dealing with Affairs My Book:  Recovering from the Affair My Program:  Save The Marriage Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. 454 454 Midlife Marriage Crisis and Connecting full 20:10 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/2022/09/stuck-in-questioning/ Wed, 28 Sep 2022 10:00:33 +0000 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/?p=3901 Are you stuck questioning whether your spouse is the RIGHT spouse, whether your love is REAL, whether there is someone ELSE, or maybe your spouse is being unfaithful? That is often very normal. To a degree. It is entirely normal for people in regular, normal, healthy relationships to have questions that just pop up from time-to-time.  That is just what our brain does.  It tosses out “bait” of thoughts, to see which ones you bite on (which just sets the hook) and which ones pass.  Which ones you LET pass. And there are times, when a relationship is toxic, that you have those thoughts because your mind is trying to get your attention — to get you to ACT. And then, there is a third category.  When those thoughts become obsessive.  When they keep you stuck.  There are some clinicians that refer to this as ROCD — Relationship Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. The problem is, those 3 points can be, ummmm… less than clear. In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I answer a listener’s question as a way of jumping into thinking about thoughts.  When does it matter and what can you do about it? Listen below. RELATED RESOURCES Thinking about Thoughts Relying on Commitment Save The Marriage System My Books Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. 453 453 Stuck in Questioning full 25:05 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/2022/09/mistakes-were-made/ Wed, 21 Sep 2022 10:00:45 +0000 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/?p=3898 I don’t know about you, but I just don’t do things perfectly.  I make mistakes. Okay, I’ll admit it:  I DO know about you.  You make mistakes, too.  And how do I know?? We ALL make mistakes!  Especially when we are doing things that are tough, important, and stressful.  And when we don’t know what we are doing, anyway. And I’m pretty sure that saving your marriage is tough, important, and stressful.  Oh, and if you are like most people, you don’t really know what you are doing (if you did, you wouldn’t be here — on this page or with a struggling relationship). So let’s just assume that you have made some mistakes.  On this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, we talk about what to do.  I cover questions from two T’s.  Different questions, it would seem.  But at their core, they are very similar.  So, I give some info that applies to each situation, and then we dive into what to do when mistakes are made. And they WILL be made! Listen to the episode below. RELATED RESOURCES What NOT To Do The 4 C’s Why Things Aren’t Turning Around Staying In It When You Feel Like Quitting Save The Marriage System VIP (If you have the System) Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. 452 452 Mistakes Were Made (Now What?) full 23:04 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/2022/09/hot-cold/ Wed, 14 Sep 2022 10:00:38 +0000 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/?p=3894 Hot and cold.  That is often what I hear people describe.  About their spouses.  One minute/hour/day/week, there is warmth and connection… things seem to be improving.  And in the next minute/hour/day/week, the cold returns.  Distance and dread return.  Are things going south?  Is this the time when things don’t turn around? And then… the pattern repeats again. It can through you off your efforts, discourage you, even tempting you to give up. So, what is that all about, anyway? “M” is in this very situation.  She wants to understand it, so she knows how to respond (not react, but respond).  It may be YOUR question, too.  Especially if your spouse did what M’s spouse did:  Gave the “ILYBNILWY” speech (“I Love You But Not In Love With You”) I explain what is going on here, and what to do about it.  Listen below. RELATED RESOURCES Confusion or Connection 3 C’s 4th C Don’t React Save The Marriage System My Books Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. 451 451 Hot & Cold full 20:02 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/2022/09/when-to-talk/ Wed, 07 Sep 2022 10:00:51 +0000 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/?p=3889 You’ve taken steps to save your marriage.  And it seems to be working!  Things are improving.  The ice is melting.  Perhaps you are treating each other better, maybe even laughing here and there. And perhaps YOU took some big step — like writing the apology letter the way that I recommend.  But you also know that when to talk — when to address the issues — is a big concern.  If you ask too soon, do you risk a setback? A podcast listener recently sent in a question about that.  Her anxiety has been building about their progress.  She can see the signs.  But what about that “elephant in the room?”  Is it time to address it? In this episode of the podcast, I respond to “S” to bring some clarity to the question, “When to Talk?" You can listen below. RELATED RESOURCES Save The Marriage System My Books What NOT to Do The Importance of an Apology Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. 450 450 When to Talk? full 18:35 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/2022/08/taking-back-the-hurt/ Wed, 31 Aug 2022 10:00:39 +0000 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/?p=3881 We all do it.  We say something in the heat of the moment… and feelings get hurt. Sometimes, though, that can be the “last straw,” that final tap over the edge that leads to crisis.  For a listener of my podcast, “R,” that is what happened. He wrote me, asking, “how could I take back the strong/attacking/hurtful words I said to my wife." I answer him in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast. But before I answer that specific question, I go into some dangers of separation (they ended up in an “in-house” separation).  And I pull apart the myth of “work on myself OR work on the relationship." As is often the case when I respond to an email question, this doesn’t just apply to R.  It may very well apply to YOU! (Oh, and by the way, if you have the “Goldilocks question” — not too broad, not too specific, but just right — send me your question for possible answers in future podcast episodes. I tell you how in the podcast episode.) You can listen to the episode below. RELATED TOPICS: Apologies Forgiving Working on Yourself Dealing with Separation Save The Marriage System Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. 449 449 Taking Back the Hurt full 12:21 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/2022/08/limiting-beliefs-blocking-your-spouse/ Thu, 04 Aug 2022 14:15:01 +0000 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/?p=3878 We all have limiting beliefs.  You... me... and your spouse!  I always work to change my limiting beliefs.  You are probably doing the same.  But you can't just change your spouse's limiting beliefs! What is a limiting belief?  It is a mostly-FALSE belief.  But more than that, it is one that keeps you stuck... unable to see bigger possibilities.  Potentials for change. Mostly, limiting beliefs are about what CAN'T happen, what is NOT possible. Even when there are possibilities. Even when things CAN change. If someone can't see a way to move forward, they are unlikely to be willing to try to move forward.  So, they stay stuck.  And if it is a spouse who can't see forward on saving your marriage, it can keep YOU stuck, too! In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I respond to JJ's question about how to deal with her spouse's belief that "if a marriage was meant to be, it would be easy."  I also address several other false/limiting beliefs... and what to do about them. Listen in below. RELATED RESOURCES Survival Series What Happy Couples Know Showing Up Save The Marriage System (Have a question you want answered on a future podcast?  EMAIL ME HERE -- let me know if you want me to use a pseudonym!  Make sure the question is one that can help others.  I'll try to answer!) Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. 448 448 Limiting Beliefs Blocking Your Spouse full 22:37 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/2022/07/not-enemies/ Wed, 13 Jul 2022 10:00:29 +0000 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/?p=3874 Roles. We all have them. We all play them. Some are "identity roles." They identify us in the role. For example, I am "son," "father," "brother," "husband." Some are "function roles." They identify what we do. For example, I am "coach," "therapist," "author," "speaker," and "podcaster" (among others). They tell you what I do, what role I play in life. Then there are "attribution roles." They try to describe why we do something. And it is in the arena of attribution roles that I want to focus some attention. Because those attributions, both on ourselves and others, can serve to keep us stuck. And keep others stuck in the roles we attribute to them. Two very toxic roles are the roles of Enemy and Victim. To be clear, there is a difference between being a victim of some circumstance and playing the role of Victim. And to be crystal clear, no matter what has happened in your marriage to this point, you are NOT Enemies. That is a role that you may assign. But it will keep you stuck. Listen in to this podcast episode for more on avoiding these roles... and what to do, instead. RELATED RESOURCES: Being On The Same Team How To Be A WE Dealing With Anger Showing Up Save The Marriage System Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. 447 447 You are NOT Enemies! full 25:10 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/2022/06/quick-turn/ Wed, 29 Jun 2022 10:00:19 +0000 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/?p=3870 Lots of people have asked me how long it takes for a marriage crisis to turn around... for the marriage to start heading in the RIGHT direction.  Does it take days?  Weeks??  Years??? I often tell them that marriages in crisis can often turn around amazingly fast. That doesn't mean YOUR marriage will.  But it often does happen. Why is it that a marriage can feel like it is on the edge of collapse, and then seemingly come back to life overnight? It all has to do with a basic human need that we all have.  It is the central part of a marriage, and goes so deep that when it is missing, it is painful.  When it is restored (the right way), it is immediately healing.  Listen below for why marriage turn quickly (and why the don't). RELATED RESOURCES Connection is the Lifeblood There is no Pause No Manipulation Healing Disconnection Save The Marriage System   Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. 446 446 Can a Marriage Turn Around Quickly? full 21:33 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/2022/06/crisis-clarity/ Fri, 24 Jun 2022 10:00:22 +0000 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/?p=3867 Nothing gets your focus and attention like a crisis.  But sometimes, that Crisis Clarity isn't so helpful. Let's backtrack just a minute.  What is Crisis Clarity? Just for a moment, let's assume that you have had a sense that something was not right with your marriage.  Maybe you asked about it.  Or perhaps you just hoped for the best -- that things would turn around, settle down, and get on-track. Then suddenly, the crisis emerges.  You learn about an affair.  Your spouse gives you the "love you, not in love with you" speech.  Your spouse wants to separate.  You get divorce papers.  Or... fill in the blank ____________. It is no longer a theoretical problem. It is a full-blown crisis! And that crisis gets your attention.  Your FULL attention. That is Crisis Clarity. Yes, it can be helpful.  And it can also be harmful. How do you understand and handle Crisis Clarity?  I cover it in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast.  Listen below. RELATED RESOURCES The Pause Button Marriage Why Connection Matters Having a Plan No Contact is Crap Grab the System Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. 445 445 Crisis Clarity full 14:06 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/2022/06/crisis-vs-problem/ Wed, 15 Jun 2022 10:00:52 +0000 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/?p=3863 On a regular basis, people want to tell me about the problem with their marriage.  Then, they tell me about the current crisis:  "my spouse doesn't love me/is having an affair/won't talk to me/wants to separate/wants to divorce/etc./etc." They want to solve the crisis.  And they think THAT is the problem! They would be wrong. What they are describing is a symptom.  Not the problem. If you try to solve a symptom, all you get are other symptoms.  No resolution, no help, and no change. We don't just do it about a marriage issue.  If you are running a fever, you may decide to take some acetaminophen or ibuprofen.  And you might feel better (the fever likely comes down).  But if there is an underlying problem, treating the symptom means that some other symptom will just emerge... and it may be even worse! In this podcast, I look at the difference between a symptom (the crisis) and the problem (what led to the crisis). That will help you to actually make a difference in your marriage, solve the crisis, and resolve the problem. Listen below. RELATED RESOURCES Why Connection is so Important Help with Re-Connecting Wack-a-mole? Dealing with Infidelity Save The Marriage System Coaching Services Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. 444 444 Crisis vs. Problem full 14:14 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/2022/05/the-dad-edge/ Wed, 04 May 2022 10:00:27 +0000 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/?p=3858 Every now and then (well, actually quite frequently), people tell me stories about how parenting didn’t exactly elicit the best response.  Many times, people tell me with regret over words and actions they wish they had not expressed.  Sure, there is some shame, maybe some blame. But there is often very little change. On this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I sit down with Larry Hagner and discuss how his bad moment with his child led to change.  Not just for Larry, but for many other people. You see, Larry didn’t have a great example of how to be a good parent.  So he was doing the best he could with the tools at hand.  But it was not going the way he wanted.  So, he decided that something had to change. He decided that HE had to change! It became a quest, to be a better parent… to be a better partner and person, too! Larry started (some time back) by starting a FB group that looked to get others to share their parenting wisdom.  This grew and grew. When it became clear that others were looking for support and guidance, Larry got serious and created The Dad Edge. In this interview, Larry and I talk about the struggles with limited parenting models many people got from their childhood, how important the parenting (specifically, the Dad) role is in development, and how to start on a path of better parenting. Listen in below. RELATED RESOURCES The Dad Edge Website Impact of Divorce on the Children The Husband Bootcamp Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. 443 443 The Dad Edge full 50:12 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/2022/04/some-truths-for-every-couple/ Wed, 13 Apr 2022 10:00:02 +0000 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/?p=3855 Many of my podcast episodes are really aimed at those in the midst of some marriage crisis. Maybe it is hanging on by a thread. Perhaps it is just in the beginning stages. Today, I want to share some information that applies to every single marriage -- happy or hurting, starting or staying, even barely hanging on. If you are at the beginning of a marriage -- this applies! If you are struggling through -- this applies! If you aren't sure if it will survive -- this applies! A few weeks ago, a reporter asked for some truths for couples. After nearly 3 decades of working with couples, and almost 30 years of marriage, those truths were pretty quick to come to mind. And after I was done talking, I realized that I needed to share the information in my podcast, so that you could access it, too. Please, feel free to share it with others who are married, so they know the truth about marriage -- and can build a great relationship! RELATED RESOURCES Immutable Laws of Marriage Series Connection Resources Dealing with Conflict System to Build a Great Marriage Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. 442 442 Some Truths for Every Couple full 18:42 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/2022/03/3-steps-better-communication/ Wed, 30 Mar 2022 10:00:21 +0000 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/?p=3852 Many couples make the mistake of assuming that their problems are due to poor communication. That is not (or rarely) the case. Why do couples think this? Because many therapists use that as the default problem to attack in therapy. But communication is merely the method of passing information. Helpful in connecting with a spouse, for sure. It's just that most people express themselves fairly well. For years, people would come to my office and ask for help in communicating. After 20 or 30 minutes of listening, I would note that I understood everything each one said. They were communicating just fine. They had an issue, for sure. Communication, though, was not THE issue. Still, communication is not irrelevant. It is one of the ways we connect. So, if communication is hampered by hurt and disconnection, then communication can seem like the issue. In this episode, I offer 3 rules for better communication -- communication that leads to connection! Listen below. RELATED RESOURCES Communication Mistakes What Your Therapist Won't Tell You Anger As An Issue Be Careful Of Blame Save The Marriage System Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. 441 441 3 Steps for Better Communication full 18:28 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/2022/03/how-show-up/ Wed, 23 Mar 2022 10:00:17 +0000 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/?p=3850 We all "show ourselves" in our interactions with others. Sometimes, we truly Show Up, bringing our best self to the relationship. Other times, we bring an angry/resentful presence to the table. Other times, it might be a cold/distant presence. And still other times, it might be a needy/desperate presence. As you may have guessed, an angry or distant or needy presence rarely serves the relationship or the improvement of a relationship. Maybe you think you are just responding to what is coming your way... that you are just following your spouse's lead... or the lead of the world around you. But we all get to choose how we will Show Up. We get to choose how we want to be, who we want to be, in all of our relationships. We don't have to leave it to reaction or fear, resentment or hurt. We can choose how and who we will be in life. How do YOU Show Up? Listen for how to Show Up the way you want to! RELATED RESOURCES 3 C's of Saving a Marriage Forgiveness and Marriage Apologies and Marriage How To Really Show Up Grab The Save The Marriage System Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. 440 440 How You Show Up full 21:46 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/2022/03/5-factors-of-success/ Wed, 16 Mar 2022 10:00:21 +0000 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/?p=3846 I wish I had a crystal ball that would let me successfully determine which marriages could be saved.  Yes, it is true.  Not every marriage WILL be saved.  I can't guarantee that. But I DO think there is a "reverse" guarantee.  If your marriage is in trouble and you do nothing, I can pretty much guarantee that your marriage will NOT survive.  But guarantee that it WILL survive?  I can't do that. What I try to do, instead, is "stack the deck" in your favor.  I try to provide tools and change that will INCREASE the chances of your saving your marriage.  And not just save.  Help it to thrive.  Help you to build a marriage that BOTH of you would treasure and protect. Some people act like it is just a game of chance.  A flip of the coin.  Heads up, you stay married; tails up, you divorce.  That is NOT the case.  You can improve your chances.  But not just by trying "a little of this, a little of that."  You need a coherent process and method, along with some tools and understandings. But what I have noticed is there are some factors that determine a higher likelihood of success.  And the more of these five factors that are moving your way, the better your "hand" you are playing. One of these factors is outside of your control.  But you have four others that you CAN control.  You want to save your marriage and you want to improve it.  Your spouse, though, can't see that right now.  So, you need to have your best hand to play as you work on the relationship. What are those 5 Factors?  I discuss each one in this week's Save The Marriage Podcast.  You can listen below. RELATED RESOURCES Why Your Spouse Can't See A Way Forward Why You Need to Change Why You Need a Plan Why the Roadblocks Why You Need a System Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. 439 439 5 Factors of Success in Saving Your Marriage full 18:51 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/2022/03/gut-punch-moments/ Wed, 02 Mar 2022 11:00:53 +0000 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/?p=3842 I'll bet you know exactly what I mean by the Gut Punch Moment.  It is when your spouse says, "I don't love you" or that variation, "I love you, but I'm not IN love with you."  Or when you discover the affair or other marital infidelity (including financial).  Or when you discover some other hidden part of your spouse's life that makes you question everything.  Or when your spouse announces the need to separate.  Or the divorce papers arrive. Gut punch. You lose your breath. You feel like a rug has been ripped from underneath your feet. Gut punch. And it might not be the first!  It might be in the midst of efforts to save what you already know is a hurting marriage.  Then, you find out more.  Gut punch #2 (or 3, 4, 5....). It wouldn't be a surprise if you don't react the way you want to or wish you had.  That is often what happens.  And then, there is a spouse looking at you, surprised by your reaction (do remember that whatever that gut punch, they already knew it -- they had already prepared!). But what now? In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, we cover that Gut Punch Moment, and what to do about it.  Listen below. RELATED RESOURCES Calm in Chaos at Thriveology.com What About Anger? What Do You Want? Love But Not "In Love" Healing Disconnection Save The Marriage System Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. 438 438 Gut Punch Moment full 18:01 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/2022/02/combatting-crisis-fatigue/ Wed, 23 Feb 2022 11:00:30 +0000 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/?p=3839 You’ve been doing your best to work on your marriage… to resolve your marriage crisis.  Then, you find yourself exhausted.  You can’t find your focus.  You wonder if you even care.  The negativity creeps in, followed by hopelessness. Sound familiar? That would be Crisis Fatigue.  It is what happens when a crisis isn’t resolved quickly.  When the crisis covers days, weeks, even months (and maybe even years) it can wear on you.  And all that effort you were putting into resolution falls to the side.  You find yourself not following through on your plan. Your efforts fail as you fall into exhaustion. Crisis Fatigue. But don’t let the Crisis Fatigue keep you stuck!  You can deal with it, move beyond it, and continue your efforts.  You can do that when you learn how to combat Crisis Fatigue.  That is what we cover on this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast. I discuss what Crisis Fatigue is, why it happens, what happens when it hits, and how to deal with it.  Listen below. RELATED RESOURCES What's Your Plan? Who’s Your Team? The Thriving Body Series The Save The Marriage System   Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. 437 437 Combatting Crisis Fatigue full 25:20 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/2022/02/beyond-romance/ Wed, 16 Feb 2022 11:00:05 +0000 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/?p=3835 For lots of people, this past Monday could not pass fast enough.  I heard from a number of people with struggling marriages that told me Valentine’s Day was just one more hurdle.  Not a celebration of love, but a moment of further resentment and pain. Does romance just die with “I do”?  Some people seem to think so.  For others, the waning romantic feelings are one more proof that the marriage is dead, that the love is gone. How did we go to using just the romantic feelings as the basis for love?  When did this become proof that something was wrong? And why do we seem to believe that the romantic feelings are either there… or they aren’t? Somehow, this has become twisted, that romantic feelings lead to love, rather than the romantic feelings flowing from connection AND action. When we disconnect, it shouldn’t be a surprise that those warm, romantic feelings also suffer.  And then, somehow, many people fail to see that the connection and love flows from loving action. So, can it be turned around? In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I tell you the 3 barriers to those romantic feelings.  And I give 4 ways to start rebuilding back toward romance. Listen below. RELATED RESOURCES: Importance of Connection Acting on Love Being on the Same Team Rebuilding the Connection Grab the Save The Marriage System Find the Husband Bootcamp Check out my Books Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. 436 436 Beyond Romance full 24:35 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/2022/02/not-who-wins/ Wed, 09 Feb 2022 11:00:09 +0000 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/?p=3832 I remember saying to a couple on my couch, both claiming they were doing more and working harder for their relationship, “It’s not a competition!" They didn’t much seem to believe me.  They were simultaneously trying to win while proving they were losing.  Yep, they were trying to win at a game of “who does more and gets less.”  I am not sure what the trophy would have been, but the “prize” appeared to be a battered and painful marriage. And they weren’t alone.  They AREN’T alone!  Lots of couples act like they are in a competition to win. And they think it is an individual sport, not a team sport! That’s where the damage happens.  Instead of playing to win at life, they are playing to win against a spouse. Against.  Anytime you find yourself against your spouse, you can guarantee the outcome is not a win for the team.  It is not a help for the marriage… for the relationship. With every win you get in an individual competition, there is a loser… in this case, your spouse.  And if your spouse wins, you lose. Learn why this is so dangerous and how to escape the one-on-one competition in this week’s Save The Marriage Podcast.  Listen below. RELATED RESOURCES Being on the Team Being a WE What about Conflict? Why Connection Matters Save The Marriage System   Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. 435 435 It’s Not About Who Wins full 18:54 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/2022/01/dragging-a-spouse-to-therapy/ Mon, 31 Jan 2022 22:01:30 +0000 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/?p=3829 The email said, “I talked my spouse into going to therapy.” Another one asked, “How do I drag my spouse to therapy?” Oof. The first person was proud of the “convincing.” The second person got my response: You Don’t! (Unless, of course, you want to damn the process from the very beginning… and in that case, drag away!) Marriage therapy tends to be the default response to a marriage crisis (although the stats would not support this as the preferred action). If there is a problem, time to head to therapy! First task: get a spouse there. By pressure, if necessary. I think there is a (false) belief that if you can just get them there, the therapist will work some magic and convince the spouse to work on the marriage. The therapist won’t/can’t. And your spouse won’t. Fail/fail. But why? There are some Therapy Traps that you fall into when you try to drag a spouse into therapy (I cover the Traps in the podcast episode below). And in the process, you actually cause further entrenchment on the part of your spouse that things won’t work out. Yep, it makes things worse. I explain why in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast.  Listen below. RELATED RESOURCES Therapy Problems Can You Save It Alone? Can Your Marriage Even Be Saved? Book:  Beyond the 3 Barriers Program:  Save The Marriage System Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. 434 434 Dragging Your Spouse to Therapy… Don’t! full 19:46 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/2022/01/quit-asking-why-is-this-happening/ Tue, 25 Jan 2022 11:00:47 +0000 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/?p=3826 At the beginning of a coaching session, I do a quick “check-in” to see what we need to accomplish in that session. Since coaching is all about moving forward and making progress, I want to make sure we are moving forward toward client success. But what I often hear instead is, “I want to know why this is happening (the marriage crisis).” I get it. There is something about knowing why that is somehow satisfying, if not particularly helpful. What is even more interesting, though, is how often the same client can return to this very question. If I hear the question one time, we can answer it and move forward. But if I hear the question on repeat, I know there is something else going on. And one thing I know for sure, time after time, is that this question does nothing to move your marriage or yourself forward. It is actually an anchor to the past. And it is hard to move forward when you are anchored backward. If you want to save your marriage, stop asking how you got here, and start asking how to get to where you want to go! (I cover it in-depth in the podcast episode.  Listen below.) RELATED RESOURCES: The Save The Marriage System The Husband Bootcamp Book:  How to Save Your Marriage in 3 Simple Steps Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. 433 433 Quit Asking: “Why is This Happening?" full 20:49 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/2022/01/discouraged/ Wed, 19 Jan 2022 11:00:27 +0000 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/?p=3823 Discouraged? You are trying to save your marriage and… you can’t get traction.  You move a little ahead, only to slide backward.  Steps forward and steps backward. And that is why you are discouraged. Am I right? What if I told you that was the nature of the process?  What if I told you that almost everyone has moments of frustration? Most people feel like giving up (and many do) at various points in their efforts.  This is not a process that follows a steady line of progress.  It is more a tangled line, running up and down. This is important work.  And that is what makes it so tough.  Important things often feel the most frustrating… especially when they are not going the way you want them to go.  But, and let me say this again, it is important work, saving your marriage. Let me tell you the 5 things to do when you are discouraged, to help you keep moving forward.  Listen to the episode below. RELATED RESOURCES: "Can I Save My Marriage?” You Need a Plan You Need a Team You Need a System:  Save The Marriage System Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. 432 432 Discouraged? Here is what to do... full 21:43 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/2022/01/2-actions-that-do-more-harm-than-good/ Wed, 12 Jan 2022 11:00:50 +0000 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/?p=3819 You know that your marriage is in trouble. Your spouse said so. Maybe it was the “things have to change” speech. Or maybe it was the “I love you, but I’m not in love” speech. Or maybe it was a request to separate or even divorce. It comes into clear focus. Sure, you knew things weren’t great. But you thought they would improve, that you would find your way back together. Instead, the reality is crashing in. Your marriage is in trouble. What do you do? How do you respond? There are 2 actions that I see over and over again. Both of them, while well intentioned, actually make things worse. Instead of improvement, the crisis only deepens. The chance of recovery only plummets. And you only wanted to turn things around! Wrong actions, even with the best of intentions, can cause more damage than good. I cover the dangerous actions in this week’s Save The Marriage Podcast.  Listen below. RELATED RESOURCES: The No Contact Rule is CRAP The Importance of Connection Don’t Chase! There is no PAUSE BUTTON Healing Disconnection The Save The Marriage System My Books Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. 431 431 2 Actions that Do More Harm than Good full 20:44 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/2022/01/youll-never-change/ Wed, 05 Jan 2022 11:00:10 +0000 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/?p=3812 Has your spouse said that to you?: “You’ll NEVER change!" Maybe it was at the end of yet another argument, another struggle, another disagreement. Perhaps it was at the end of another failed attempt to do things differently. If you have tried to change and have failed (meaning, every single human alive!), then maybe you wonder whether it is even possible to change. Is it just too hard, too deep, too “baked in”? Or can we actually change? Can we actually make some changes in our life to be better, do better, and love better? Since January tends to be a month were people make (and break) resolutions, I thought that maybe we should look at the potential for change. And especially in terms of making your marriage better, of being a better partner. In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I let you in on whether change is possible (it is), why people fail at it, and how to actually make real changes.  Listen below.   RELATED RESOURCES: My Books My Save The Marriage System The Husband Bootcamp Why Your Spouse Doesn’t See A Change (free training) “I’ve Changed” and Other Things NOT to Say (free training) Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. 430 430 “You’ll NEVER Change!!" full 24:05 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/2021/12/marriage-crisis-holiday-season/ Wed, 15 Dec 2021 11:00:13 +0000 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/?p=3808 When life is hard, Holidays can feel heavy.  When there is a marriage crisis, it can be tough to muster the energy to even move forward — especially when all the commercials and movies push the “merry and bright” of a mythic holiday. And here we are, on the cusp of the Holiday season!  It cuts across nations and beliefs.  The season is here. A client recently told me, “I just want to crawl into bed and get up on January 2nd." What a loss!  No chance to find the deeper meaning of the Holidays.  No chance at connection, re-connection, and healing. Her real desire was to avoid pain.  But her solution did more than avoiding pain.  It avoided life, and all it offered. My suggestion:  deal with the heavy Holidays in a way that brings depth, connection, and healing, by engaging in the holiday. I have 5 suggestions on dealing with Holidays in the midst of a marriage crisis.  Listen below. RELATED RESOURCES Gratitude and Marriage How Gratitude Can Transform Your Marriage Ghosts of Marriage Past Holidays and Marriage Save The Marriage System Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. 429 429 A Marriage Crisis and Holiday Season full 16:11 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/2021/12/self-growth-threat-marriage/ Wed, 08 Dec 2021 11:00:34 +0000 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/?p=3806 "I just outgrew you," he said to her in my office.  But as we talked, I was not convinced that he had actually "outgrown" her.  But it was clear that neither felt supported in their own personal growth.  He said, "You stifle me," and she answered, "You never care about my interests." And both were right. But both missed the opportunity -- self-expansion as a part of the relationship.  They could both grow, both explore, and still stay married. Recent research has shown that one of the leading contributors to unhappiness in marriage (and risk for infidelity) is a lack of opportunity for self-expansion in the relationship. Great term, "self-expansion."  In a world of "self-growth" and "self-development," the idea is a bit broader.  Self-growth/development focuses on psychological or spiritual change.  But what about just exploring the world and widening your horizons?  Well, self-expansion encompasses both self-development and trying new things out. Does your relationship support both of your opportunities for self-expansion (within the boundaries of the relationship)?  Is there room for growing?  Support for growing?  Sharing new experiences together?  Sharing your passions for individual interests?  Those are the elements of self-expansion within marriage. Learn more in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast. RELATED RESOURCES What Happy Couples Do Differently Working On Yourself Showing Up Responsibility System to Save Your Marriage Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. 428 428 Is Self-Growth a Threat to Marriage? full 21:37 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/2021/12/earn-love-back/ Wed, 01 Dec 2021 11:00:28 +0000 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/?p=3803 Sometimes, people tell me that as they are trying to save their marriage, they actually feel like they are trying to earn back the love of a spouse. They want to know if that is what it really is -- earning back the love (and even trust). The short answer is NO, that is not the goal. A slightly longer answer is that if you are working to earn back love, you are also working on building a unsustainable and not-very-healthy relationship. That is my topic for this week's Save The Marriage Podcast: why you are NOT trying to earn back your spouse's love, why that approach is problematic, AND what to do instead. Your marriage can be saved. But not by trying to earn back your spouse's love. Can the love return to your marriage? Absolutely. But that doesn't mean it is the goal of the process. (Love isn't earned. It is given.) Listen to the podcast episode below for more on this important topic ADDITIONAL RESOURCES Connection and Marriage Building A WE Forgiveness and Marriage Save The Marriage System Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. 427 427 Are You Trying To Earn Love Back? full 20:54 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/2021/11/gratitude-and-a-marriage-crisis/ Wed, 24 Nov 2021 11:00:35 +0000 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/?p=3800 Here we are, right at Thanksgiving Day in the United States. The day we are supposed to be filled with gratitude, feeling thankful for those around us. Which may feel like a tall order if your marriage is in the middle of a crisis (or if you are in any sort of crisis for that matter!). What, gratitude when life stinks? Yep. In fact, gratitude is even MORE important when we are in the midst of a crisis. Yes, it is important every day. But when your life is upside-down, gratitude can help you get it rightside-up. Is it easy? Nope. Is it important? Yep. So, let's talk about finding gratitude (not just having gratitude, but finding it) in the midst of a crisis. Need more on being thankful and feeling gratitude? Listen here and here. And you can find the Save The Marriage System RIGHT HERE. Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. 426 426 Gratitude and a Marriage Crisis full 13:50 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/2021/11/is-this-my-fault/ Wed, 17 Nov 2021 11:00:22 +0000 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/?p=3798 Maybe your spouse has been saying, "This is ALL YOUR FAULT!" Or maybe it is just you... wondering... torturing yourself... about whether this marriage crisis is your fault. Are you the problem? Let me reassure you that you are not the first person to wonder that. People search about that on my blog. People write me to ask that same question. Many people start our coaching sessions with the same question. So, what is the truth? Are you the problem? Did you cause the problem? Does that even help the problem? Many times, people like to look at one single point-in-time... frequently, a point that leaves them as NOT at fault. They look for a time when they can accuse someone else, blame someone else, for the situation. And rarely is that accurate, or even fair. Still, we all like to point the blame elsewhere. Let's talk about this from a couple of perspectives. One is kind of a higher level perspective, to question the concept of blame. The other is a much more practical "what do I do?" perspective. Both get us to a better place than simply asking, "Am I the problem? Am I to blame for our marriage crisis?" Listen below as I tackle the question: "Am I the Problem?" RELATED RESOURCES Showing Up Blame & Shame Ruining Today with Yesterday How To NOT Save Your Marriage How TO Save Your Marriage -- System Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. 425 425 "Is This MY Fault??" full 21:16 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/2021/11/why-forgive/ Wed, 10 Nov 2021 11:00:05 +0000 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/?p=3793 People hear me talk about forgiving (I wrote a book on it).  Then they ask, "why should I have to forgive?" Ironically, my point was that forgiving frees the forgiver. I tackle forgiveness in-depth for this week's podcast. In fact, I give you a 6 step process of how to forgive. But of course, this is only helpful if you think you want to forgive. I start the podcast by clarifying what I mean by forgiveness, and why I think it is so important. (Hint: not forgiving is like having a systemic infection that will eat away at the rest of your life.) The catch is, as C.S. Lewis said, "Everyone thinks forgiveness is a lovely idea until he has something to forgive." When we have been injured, the idea of forgiving is not philosophical, and it can feel overwhelming. Join me as we explore why to forgive and ways to forgive. RELATED RESOURCES: Why Apologize How to Apologize Book:  The Forgive Process Program:  Save The Marriage Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. 424 424 Why Forgive? full 33:03 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/2021/11/separation-save-cost-marriage/ Wed, 03 Nov 2021 10:00:07 +0000 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/?p=3790 You want to save your marriage.  Your spouse seems to only want to destroy it.  That is a pretty common scenario for people who visit my website. And so, I often have the question asked, "Should we separate?  Will a separation save my marriage?" Can a separation save a marriage? Short answer:  yes, it can. Longer answer:  a separation can save a marriage, but it is statistically unlikely.  And in my experience, a separation is a step in the wrong direction. Some recent statistics show that around 79% of couples who separate end up divorced.  In other words, 8 out of every 10 couples who separate will divorce. I view separation as an absolute last resort to save a marriage.  It is, in my opinion, that unlikely to help. But here is the thing:  if you are stuck in a conflicted and hurting marriage, it can be a very appealing solution.  And yes, you can find "fans" of separation.  There are people who tell you it is an important step in restoring a marriage. Those people are ignoring the statistics. They are appealing to your sense of relief that can come from a break in the conflict. More often than not, a separation amounts to a “trial divorce." But are there better solutions?  Absolutely. Here is one. In this podcast training, I tell you why separation is problematic -- so that you understand that.  I also tell you how to structure a separation, if it is inevitable and a last resort.  Listen below for help with separation.   RESOURCES: Article on Separating Save The Marriage System Virtual Coaching Program (IF you have the System)   Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. 423 423 Can Separation Save (or Cost You) a Marriage? full 21:46 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/2021/10/zombie-marriage/ Wed, 27 Oct 2021 10:00:22 +0000 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/?p=3786 Is your marriage infected by the "zombie virus?"  Do you find your relationship to be the "walking dead?"  Are emotions lost and connections missing?  Do you and your spouse respond to each other with "zombie grunts?" The infection can be stopped.  You can fight the infection and heal the relationship. Don't allow the big 4 symptoms of a zombie infection to overtake your relationship's immune system.  Fight back and restore your relationship to the living and the healthy. Okay, to be fair, this is a “tip o’ the hat” to Halloween… but still an important subject! Listen below. RELATED RESOURCES: Pause Button Marriages Dangers of Disconnection "Can This Marriage Be Saved?” The Save The Marriage System Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. 422 422 Zombie Marriage? full 26:22 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/2021/10/your-stamp-of-approval/ Wed, 20 Oct 2021 10:00:43 +0000 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/?p=3783 People are quirky.  We all have strange and interesting habits and interests.  No two people are alike. In fact, most people want to claim their uniqueness, to be seen as unique, an individual — “being your own person." Yet all of us crave one thing:  validation and approval.  We did it in high school ("I am SO different, along with everyone else") and we do it through adulthood. In fact, one of the aphrodisiacs of a relationship is feeling validated, approved, and accepted by the other person.  It is what helps form the bonds early in relationship-building.  It fuels the attraction and connection… love. Does YOUR spouse feel validated and accepted? In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, discover how this can make or break a relationship.  Hear the 6 traps that may keep your spouse from feeling validated -- and what to do about it! Listen below. RELATED RESOURCES: 2 Necessary Feelings The Importance of Connection Are You On The Same Team? Save The Marriage System Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. 421 421 Your Stamp of Approval full 29:13 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/2021/10/dealing-with-negativity/ Wed, 13 Oct 2021 10:00:18 +0000 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/?p=3780 It happens.  In the middle of a marriage crisis, you can find yourself surrounded by negativity.  A spouse negative about the marriage.  Friends and family negative about your efforts to save your marriage.  You negative, well, about everything you are doing (it is easy to slip into self-blame and self-doubt). Negativity comes from several sources:  fear, protectiveness, anger, resentment, lack of understanding, and lack of clarity. Regardless of the source, you may find yourself reacting poorly -- negatively impacting your capacity to save and improve your marriage. Is there another alternative? You bet there is! I would suggest four ways to respond that can change the outcome.  Listen to the podcast for the four ways you can respond differently to the negativity, making sure that you don't catch it yourself.  Listen below. RELATED RESOURCES: You Need A Plan Dealing With Your Resentment Dealing With Your Spouse's Resentment Grab The Save The Marriage System Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. 420 420 Dealing with Negativity full https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/2021/10/the-anger-blame-shame-dance/ Wed, 06 Oct 2021 10:00:13 +0000 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/?p=3778 Do you ever feel like you are dancing with your spouse... and not a fun dance?? Most of the time, couples get into habits. They both know the steps, and they just keep going through them, 1-2-3, 1-2-3, 1-2-3.... No, the dances aren't particularly helpful. And yes, we keep dancing them, anyway! One dance that many couples fall into is the Anger-Blame-Shame 3-step. And that particular dance? It keeps on repeating. Except that the anger grows. So does the blaming. And so does the feeling of shame! "Why can't I/we figure this out?", they wonder. And then, they dance it again. How can you stop the dance? How can you find better steps? Better ways of moving through life? That is the topic of this podcast episode (listen below). I tell you about those dance steps and why we do them... along with how to make a shift. RELATED RESOURCES Show Up Anger and Resentment (Yours) Anger and Resentment (Your Spouse's) Stepping Up The Save The Marriage System Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. 419 419 The Anger/Blame/Shame Dance full https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/2021/09/spouse-no-change/ Wed, 29 Sep 2021 10:00:15 +0000 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/?p=3775 You've been working hard. You've been trying to make some personal changes, growing and expanding yourself. You've been trying to build a connection with your spouse, slowly and steadily. You feel good about what you are doing. You believe you are gaining grown. But then, your spouse doesn't notice any change at all! What happened? Why can't your spouse see the changes? It can be challenging, frustrating, hurtful, and downright defeating. But there is a reason your spouse isn't noticing (or admitting to noticing) the changes. In fact, there are 3 reasons why your spouse doesn't see the changes. Let's take a look at the 3 reasons, and start creating a strategy to make those changes visible. Listen below. RELATED RESOURCES: "Can Every Marriage Be Saved?" "Can MY Marriage Be Saved?" How One Person Did It! Save The Marriage System Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. 418 418 Why Your Spouse Doesn't See A Change full https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/2021/09/limiting-beliefs-limiting-your-marriage/ Wed, 22 Sep 2021 10:00:35 +0000 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/?p=3772 It almost seems redundant, doesn't it? If you have limited beliefs, they could limit something -- say, for example, your marriage. I say IF you have limited beliefs. Full disclosure: We ALL have limited beliefs that are limiting us. We ALL have blind spots, assumptions, even untrue beliefs. We just don't notice them. And we pay a price for that. Especially since we usually fail to notice or address these limiting beliefs. Do you think your limiting beliefs MIGHT be limiting your life and your marriage? I'm betting that is the case, since it is true for all of us. Here's the good news: you can change your limiting beliefs. Once you know what they are. And decide to change them Listen below for this week's podcast. RELATED RESOURCES Myths About Marriage (And Saving It) Fears That Hold You Back Is Your Spouse Stuck? Grab The Save The Marriage System Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. 417 417 Limiting Beliefs Limiting Your Marriage full https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/2021/09/3-marriage-disses/ Wed, 15 Sep 2021 10:00:32 +0000 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/?p=3769 I am way too uncool to ever use "Diss" in a conversation. That said, I will drop it into a headline, because I see too many couples "dissing" their relationship, without even meaning to. Distraction, Disinterest, and Disconnection lead to Disrespect of your relationship. And it often becomes habit, usually without you meaning to. The bad news is, these 3 ways you "diss" a relationship eat away at the foundations. The good news is that once you know what you are doing, you can change it. Even turn it around. Learn how you are dissing your marriage, and how to stop in this week's podcast. Listen below. RESOURCES: Power of Connection Marriage Crisis Mistakes to Avoid Why Your Efforts May Be Failing Save The Marriage System Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. 416 416 Are You Dissing Your Marriage? 3 Ways.... full https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/2021/09/danger-shortcut/ Wed, 08 Sep 2021 10:00:47 +0000 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/?p=3766 I admit it.  The phone call got under my skin.  We were traveling and I answered the call.  The person asked if I was the "save the marriage guy."  I told him I was.  He told me he didn't want my System.  Just the secret, the "short-cut." When I told him he needed the whole System, he said he didn't want to go through all of that.  He just needed the "trick," the short-cut. We went round and round for a couple more minutes. I realized I was not going to convince him, but all the "short-cuts" he had been trying is what got him to here. He hung up, likely still looking for the "short-cut." And I was left thinking.  Wondering.  Pondering. And realizing that there is a distinct difference between being efficient and trying to find the "trick."  Those "tricks" are all the things on the internet about "hypnosis," "reverse psychology," "spells," or any of those other manipulations. You can be efficient in your efforts.  You can be effective in your plan.  But not by taking the "short-cuts" that are really just tricks. Can I tell you more about this?  Listen to the podcast below. RELATED RESOURCES Reverse Psychology is Dangerous No-Contact is Crap Don’t Choose Manipulation Grab My Save The Marriage System Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. 415 415 The Danger of the Shortcut full 16:48 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/2021/09/have-you-been-friend-zoned/ Wed, 01 Sep 2021 10:00:05 +0000 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/?p=3761 I often get a message that goes something like this, “We have been making progress on our marriage.  I’ve been working hard to reconnect, and think I have done a good job.  But lately, we don’t seem to be making any more progress.  Did my spouse Friend Zone me??" Since I have heard this from coaching clients and total strangers, people in my program and listeners of my podcast, I thought I needed to address it. First, let me just say, there is a “Zone” of disconnection and recovery that can feel like a stagnant friend zone.  But is that really what it is? In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I discuss what people mean when they say “Friend Zoned” or “Roommates Only,” and why it happens.  I also discuss what a healthy marriage looks like.  We dive into the process of connection (along with disconnection and reconnection).  And I talk about why you always pass through this zone… in both directions. Then, we discuss why some people get stuck here.  And we look at how to make sure you don’t get stuck. Listen below. RELATED RESOURCES: Book:  How to Save Your Marriage in 3 Simple Steps Program:  Save The Marriage System Coaching:  VIP Program Training:  Why Connection is so Important Training:  How to Resolve the Disconnection Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. 414 414 Have You Been “Friend Zoned”? full 23:55 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/2021/08/time-for-bootcamp/ Wed, 04 Aug 2021 10:00:42 +0000 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/?p=3755 I have some friends who have been in different bootcamps this past year.  Most are fitness-oriented… getting back into shape, improving your running, improving your tennis, things like that. Bootcamps are great ways to get up-to-speed as quickly as possible, so you perform better. In the military, people go through bootcamp to get ready to be a soldier.  It is intense and challenging, but designed to get someone ready to face a challenge elsewhere. Bootcamps are a great way to get up-to-speed for what comes next. Which is why I created the Husband Bootcamp. I remember sitting in my office with a couple trying to get back on-track.  They were stumbling and struggling.  Then, she turned toward him and said, “You are a good man.  But you are a bad husband.” It was like a hammer at hit him in the face.  He was embarrassed and upset.  At first, he was angry.  But then, he caught himself, turned to me, and said, “I am doing the best I can… and I am failing.  What can I do?" That started an impromptu bootcamp.  We called it the Husband Bootcamp.  Along with a few others, this was transformational for their marriage. Recently, I decided it was time to bring that to a bigger audience.  We have been working hard to put the finishing touches on things.  But in the meantime, I wanted to give you a little insight on what it is about, who can benefit, and how to jump in (or gift it to your spouse). Listen below for info. RELATED RESOURCES: Get Updates and Info on the Husband Bootcamp HERE Grab the Save The Marriage System Here Learn More About One Person Helping A Marriage Here Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. 413 413 Is It Time for a Bootcamp? full 21:39 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/2021/07/inevitable/ Wed, 28 Jul 2021 10:00:26 +0000 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/?p=3751 I get this question often enough to know that you may be wondering, too. Is it really possible to save a marriage, or are you just delaying the inevitable? Many people want to know this before they even start the process. They want to make sure that the effort will be worth it. If not, why go through the struggle, right? Some people do make the effort to save their marriage... but they never quite get to the point of really changing anything. They might engage a bit, work on it a bit... and they gain some ground. But in reality, nothing changed. It’s more like cleaning a house that is in disrepair. It looks better, but nothing got fixed. Then, there are others. They decide that they can’t go back. They realize the relationship must change. And change it, they do! And save their marriage, they do! The question is really about whether the real change happened, or just a “spring cleaning.” The choice between the two? All yours. Listen to this episode of the podcast for more on making those real changes. RELATED RESOURCES The Goal of Marriage 3 Secrets To Saving The Importance of Connection Your Plan To Save Your Marriage Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. 412 412 Is It Just Delaying The Inevitable? full 18:03 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/2021/07/4-reasons-why/ Wed, 21 Jul 2021 10:00:22 +0000 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/?p=3748 First, let me be clear:  if you are actively saving your marriage, working toward a better relationship... stop reading and go do something else!  This won't apply to you! But if you want to save your marriage... but for some reason, you just can't get moving... hang with me!  YOU are the one that will benefit from this episode.  That "some reason" is what I want to take a look at. In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I discuss the 4 "F" words that are keeping you from taking action... keeping you from saving your marriage. I discuss 4 reasons why you are stuck and aren't saving your marriage.  Just to be clear, these are the reasons you are stuck... and has nothing to do with what your spouse is doing. Let's be clear about what typically holds people back.  And yes, there may be some other reasons. I want to cover the 4 reasons I see repeatedly. And yes, they can keep you from taking any action. Unless, of course, you find an alternative.  I'll give you that alternative, too. RELATED RESOURCES: Fear and Marriage Your Team for Support Why Does It Matter? Beware of Unhelpful Approaches Save The Marriage System Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. 411 411 4 Reasons Why You Aren't Saving Your Marriage full 19:55 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/2021/07/switches-or-dials/ Wed, 14 Jul 2021 10:00:53 +0000 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/?p=3744 No, this isn't some electrical engineering idea. Instead, it has more to do with human nature. We often want to find the switch, the on/off switch for some situation. Turn off stress by doing this, turn on fitness by doing this. On or off. With a switch. This causes us to be looking for some super-easy, simple solution... often to complex issues. Particularly when it is a marriage crisis. A marriage -- much less a marriage crisis -- is not an on/off situation, and no simple switch will turn it around. Yet that is what many people want. The solution that is as easy as flipping a switch. Yes, your marriage can be saved and improved, but not with some simple switch.  Instead, think about it as dials. Instead of a master switch, there can be a number of dials. Dialing up connection. Dialing down conflict. Dialing up warmth. Dialing down resentment. We discuss this tendency to look for a switch -- and the need to focus on the dials --  in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast. Listen below. RELATED RESOURCES Why Connection is so Important Dangerous Tricks The No-Contact Rule 3C Approach Save The Marriage System Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. 410 410 Switches or Dials? full 14:05 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/2021/06/self-centered-marriage/ Wed, 30 Jun 2021 10:00:41 +0000 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/?p=3739 "You are just too selfish and self-centered.  That is why we have marriage problems."  Have you heard that before? A listener is wondering if she is too self-centered for her marriage.  I am guessing that her spouse has told her just that.  Maybe even said she is selfish. It is always interesting when I hear this accusation in my office... from both people!  At the same time! Both accuse the other of causing the problems because they are too selfish and self-centered. To be clear, it is entirely possible to be self-centered and selfish... certainly completely out of balance with what is healthy.  And it is possible to be accused of that, but it is really something else. Let's talk about your perspective, what it might mean to be "selfish," and when it might be a problem (along with when it might actually be another problem). Listen below. RELATED RESOURCES WE is the Goal Working on WE, Working on ME Pause-Button Problems Healing Disconnection Save The Marriage System Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. 409 409 Too Self-Centered for Your Marriage? full 22:53 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/2021/06/the-spouse-predicament/ Wed, 23 Jun 2021 10:00:10 +0000 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/?p=3736 It's a predicament, isn't it?  It would be so much easier to save your marriage... if it weren't for that pesky spouse.  (I jest, but you might actually feel this way.) You make an effort, your spouse resists.  You take a step forward, your spouse takes a step backward... and tries to drag you back, too! What DO you do?  When your spouse is so convinced that nothing can change. Or maybe when your spouse starts to see some possibility... and you don't know what to do, what to share, how to help. Quite the predicament, isn't it? It certainly is for Lauren and Kristine.  They both emailed me questions for the podcast.  Seemingly from different places in the process.  But both were stuck on the Spouse Predicament. Lauren has a spouse who cannot see a way forward, and resists every effort.  Is he being selfish? Should Lauren feel shame that she keeps trying... in spite of his resistance? And Kristine is still stuck in the predicament.  But her spouse is seeing a possibility, a glimmer of hope.  How does Kristine avoid putting out the spark?  How much info to share? The Spouse Predicament.  More closely aligned than it might seem. We work to resolve the predicament on the podcast.  Listen below. RELATED RESOURCES: The Husband Bootcamp Beyond the 3 Barriers Book The Hope Formula Hope and Marriage The Save The Marriage System Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. 408 408 The Spouse Predicament full 26:24 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/2021/06/slow-slide-then-all-at-once/ Wed, 16 Jun 2021 10:00:25 +0000 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/?p=3732 I've seen it so many times.  A marriage is slowly, slowly, slowly moving apart.  Then, suddenly, it is ending!  Slowly, then all at once. A recent survey from a divorce attorney group showed the central dynamic of marriages ending:  they slowly drifted apart. You may not need a survey to tell you about this threat.  I sure didn't.  I've seen it over and over.  Nothing drastic or sudden.  Just slowly disconnecting.  Slowly drifting apart.  And slowly failing. Maybe you hit the Pause Button... and didn't know how dangerous that can be! Maybe it was easier to just ignore the little issues... the ones that are much larger in the face of disconnection. But either way, the ending of a marriage just starts slowly, imperceptibly... until one person finally "can't do it anymore."  And then, the crisis is deep.  Deeper than you knew. How does it work?  I cover it in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast.  Listen below. RELATED RESOURCES The Importance of Connection The Pause Button Marriage Healing Disconnection The Save The Marriage System Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. 407 407 Slow Slide, Then All At Once full 21:39 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/2021/06/how-not-save-marriage/ Wed, 09 Jun 2021 10:00:08 +0000 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/?p=3730 Are there things that you do that might KEEP you from saving your marriage? Yes. These are pretty common actions people take, not knowing that they are doing MORE damage, and making it even MORE difficult to save their marriage. I wanted to cover these 10 ways you can mess up on saving your marriage, not to point out any mistakes,  but to help you avoid and prevent those mistakes. And if you have already made those mistakes, then start where you are.  Just be sure not to fall back into the same traps and mistakes that likely got you here. Take a listen below and let me know if you have something to add to the list! RELATED RESOURCES 3 C's to Save Your Marriage Why Connection is So Important How to Show Up to Your Marriage Grab the Save The Marriage System   Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. 406 406 How NOT to Save Your Marriage - So AVOID These! full 22:44 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/2021/06/arc/ Wed, 02 Jun 2021 10:30:54 +0000 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/?p=3727 Since my book, Thrive Principles, came out, people have asked me why I shifted my focus from saving marriages to thriving. In reality, there is no shift. My System on saving a marriage is the same path to having a thriving marriage. In fact, my focus from the beginning was on how to have a thriving life in all areas of living -- including in marriage. Which means that there are many cross-over points between how we thrive and how we save a marriage. In this week's Save The Marriage Podcast, I discuss three anchors of Thrive Principles that can help you address the issues in your marriage. These three principles can help you save your marriage. Just remember the acronym, ARC. Acceptance Responsibility Control Use these three principles as you work to save your marriage. RELATED RESOURCE: Control Responsibility Thrive Principles Save The Marriage System Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. 405 405 ARC of Saving A Marriage full 22:10 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/2021/05/the-connection-principle/ Wed, 26 May 2021 10:00:39 +0000 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/?p=3724 Connection is the lifeblood of any relationship… and especially a marriage.  When connection is cut off, the relationship falters.  When a marriage is disconnected, the marriage is at risk. This concept is the backbone of my approach.  It is the core of my System — restoring the connection. Which is the problem.  Many people push and push for connection, leading to — ironically — even less connection and more push-back. The concept of connection as the most important factor in saving a marriage suddenly hits a wall.  The techniques people use to restore connection lead to DIS-connection, rather than connection. Instead of helping, I notice many people are harming their attempts to save their marriage.  Not from ill-will but misunderstanding. In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I explore the principle of Connect, Don’t Crowd.  This principle is the 1st of 10 I covered with my VIP Virtual Coaching members.  But it was so important, I wanted to make sure you understand it.  (The other 9 are still available to all VIP members.) Listen below to understand the importance of connection, how to do it, and how to avoid the crowding. RELATED RESOURCES: Connection is the Lifeblood Healing Disconnection Resources Connection on 3 Levels The Save The Marriage System Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. 404 404 The Connection Principle full 49:21 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/2021/05/how-to-avoid-a-blow-up/ Wed, 19 May 2021 10:00:52 +0000 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/?p=3721 Slowly, slowly... you are making progress!  You keep working on turning your marriage around... and it is working! Maybe you think it isn't moving fast enough.  Or maybe you have just been holding all of those emotions, fears, and hurts, in... and they start to grow.  You can feel it! But you try hard not to let it out.  To keep on moving forward.  To keep on making connections. Until... Maybe it was something small... Maybe it was yet one more little thing (or even a medium thing... maybe even a big thing!)... And BOOM!  You blow up! You use a tone you wish you hadn't.  You say things you wish you hadn't.  You do things you wish you hadn't. BLOW UP! ... and then it passes. But the damage is done. Your efforts can feel like they have been in vain. So, let's talk about what to do BEFORE the blow-up!  It is much easier to stay ahead of the problem than to catch up and rebuild after the problem. Listen to this week's podcast episode below. RELATED RESOURCES Too Late? Making Up For Mistakes And Backslides Responsibility Showing Up Save The Marriage System Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. 403 403 How to Avoid a Blow-Up full 19:14 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/2021/05/your-blame-addiction/ Wed, 12 May 2021 10:00:18 +0000 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/?p=3718 Are you and your spouse addicted to blame?  Do you find yourself pointing your finger toward your spouse, sure that it is really your spouse's fault (and is your spouse doing the same thing?)? Or maybe you are just blaming yourself.  You see this whole mess as YOUR fault. Blame has one single outcome -- STUCK.  It robs you of power (and steals away responsibility). Blame is highly corrosive to connection.  And it freezes up the process of change.  It freezes out any chance for change. And it is unnecessary.  (Oh, and don't fall into the trap of just changing who gets the blame.  Blame your spouse or blame yourself.  Same outcome.) Let's break the addiction to blame. And if you are ready, you can grab my Save The Marriage System HERE. OTHER HELPFUL RESOURCES Anger and Marriage Healing YOUR Resentment Helping YOUR SPOUSE Heal Resentment The Importance of Connection The Save The Marriage System Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. 402 402 Your Blame Addiction full 17:24 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/2021/05/who-can/ Wed, 05 May 2021 10:00:18 +0000 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/?p=3714 I was busy working on some projects when a news notification popped up on my tablet:  “Bill and Melinda Gates Announce They Are Divorcing.”  Wow, what a power couple!  And they were calling it quits. Whenever this happens, a powerful and successful couple decides to divorce, I hear from a few people.  They look at all of that _______ (you fill in the blank:  money, success, resources, connections, etc.) and wonder, “What chance do I have to save MY marriage, if THEY can’t stay together." I would presume that Bill and Melinda, along with Jeff and MacKenzie and many other mogul couples, could attend any couples retreat, meet with any therapist/coach, and invest in any intervention to save their marriage. But they don’t. Which raises the question for the rest of us… what chance do WE have in our own marriage?  Or more specifically, you can ask, what chance do YOU have in saving YOUR marriage? And what can we learn from the divorces of the rich, successful, and famous? That is what I cover in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast (and let me just be clear, I have not coached or interacted with anyone I mentioned above — although I have had many interactions with very successful people in very unhappy marriages… and the lessons are the same). Listen in below. RELATED RESOURCES The Arc of Disconnection The Pause Button Marriage Why Connection Matters Self-Expansion and Marriage The System to Save Your Marriage Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. 401 401 If THEY Can’t, Who Can? full 16:48 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/2021/04/cant-save-it/ Wed, 28 Apr 2021 10:00:15 +0000 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/?p=3710 Two phone calls the same day.  Both with the same question:  "What if I CAN'T save my marriage?"  One had been working at it for awhile.  The other hadn't started (and was trying to decide whether to even start). It's a common question that gets asked at 3 different times in the process.  Each has a different meaning.  All share a fear. That fear can keep you from taking action, talk you into giving up, or serve to inform you. This week, I want to take on the question, "What if I can't save it?", because not every marriage can be saved.  (But NONE are saved without action.) Don't let the question trip you up.  Understand what's behind it.  And listen to my answer to the question. Listen below. RELATED RESOURCES: Can This Marriage Be Saved? My Approach and Why It Matters DYWAYADAGWYAG When Your Spouse is Stuck Grab the Save The Marriage System Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. 400 400 “But What If I CAN’T Save It?" full 20:32 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/2021/04/can-you-fall-in-love-again/ Wed, 21 Apr 2021 10:00:27 +0000 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/?p=3706 As often as possible, I like to answer listener submitted questions (you can submit YOUR question by CLICKING HERE).  The reason is because if you have a question, it is very likely that someone else has the same (or very similar) question. In this episode, I answer Patrick.  His question is a concern that when a spouse says they fell out of love, and only feel “friends”-type care, that maybe nothing can be done.  Maybe, Patrick wonders, it isn’t possible to get back to love, to return to prior feelings. Can feelings change?  Of course.  They already did.  Which is why you are in a crisis.  At one time, you felt the love. That has shifted, and it can shift again.  Our feelings and levels of connection are always fluctuating and shifting. So, yes feelings of love CAN come back.  But why did they leave?  And what can you do to help them return? I cover those questions… homing in on Patrick’s enquiry for this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast. RELATED RESOURCES Connection Is Lifeblood Healing Disconnection Pause Button Marriage Save The Marriage System Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. 399 399 Can You Fall In Love Again? - Listener Question full 22:01 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/2021/04/how-do-you-argue/ Wed, 14 Apr 2021 10:00:36 +0000 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/?p=3702 Do you find yourself stuck in arguments in your marriage that never get anywhere?  Or maybe it is just a matter of useless “discussions”? I was recently reading a book, and the author (Adam Grant) was noting 3 modes of communication that keep us stuck right where we are.  They were not just communication patterns, but thought patterns.  Grant noted there are 3 roles we easily fall into… and 1 mode that gets you out. Here is the problem… the 3 roles that don’t work?  They are so easy to fall into.  In fact, as soon as I read about them, I was quick to see them in people all around me.  I noticed how so many people were interacting with me from those 3 roles. And then, I took a big breath.  Because I needed to do a little self-check… a look in the mirror.  What role(s) do I fall into?  What was MY default? More importantly, how could I make a shift to a better mode? Here’s the thing:  we argue in the attempt to change the perspective or thoughts of another person… and they are doing the exact same thing.  No surprise that there is no change, right?  So we already know that the roles we play in arguing don’t work.  And yet (me looking in the mirror), it is easy to still slip right back into the same pattern.  We continue to do it again.  In hopes of a better outcome. RELATED RESOURCES Adam Grant’s Book, Think Again Connecting is Critical Understanding and Empathy The Dangers of Convincing Save The Marriage System Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. 398 398 How Do You Argue?: 3 Modes That Fail full 21:22 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/2021/04/nmf/ Wed, 07 Apr 2021 10:00:12 +0000 https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/?p=3700 The email was pages long, all about the problems in her marriage.  Each line was about how her husband had ruined the marriage.  She pointed out actions of her husband, and he did make mistakes (no abuse, mind you). She wanted to know what to do -- how to save her marriage -- given the fact that it wasn't her fault.  She was clear that she wanted the marriage, but she just didn't know what to do, after all he had done to damage the relationship. NMF She was skidding down the fastest path to failing in her efforts.  And she didn't see how she had anything to do with it. NMF When we talked on the phone, I asked a little bit more about the dynamics of the relationship.  But I noticed she kept shifting back to "he did...," "he didn't...." She could point out his failures and shortcomings. And then she would return to her question:  Given his actions, how could she save her marriage? NMF I had no doubt that she really wanted to save her marriage.  And I had little doubt that she would be unsuccessful. Because she had fallen in the NMF trap.  Figured it out yet?  The NMF trap is "Not My Fault." Here is the problem with "Not My Fault":  It leaves you stuck.  It does relieve you of blame or fault.  But it also tends to rob people of responsibility (Response-Ability). Let's talk about why this trap happens and how to avoid it.  Listen below. RELATED RESOURCES Show Up How You Hide Choosing To Work Connection Being A WE Save The Marriage System Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. 397 397 NMF: “Not MY Fault!" full 23:50